


Forbidden Love For The Blue Eyed Girl.

by AwkwardSpaceBean



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Amish Lexa, Anya's alive though., City kid clarke, Clarke is a good bean. A patient bean., Clexa, F/F, Jake is still dead, Lexa is a really smol bean
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-16
Updated: 2018-03-14
Packaged: 2018-09-09 01:58:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 61,279
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8871292
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AwkwardSpaceBean/pseuds/AwkwardSpaceBean
Summary: Lexa is a 16 year old Amish teen. She lives in her Amish world with her strict parents and many siblings. Being a teenager, she is about to go out and explore the modern world for the first time. This is called Rumspringa. Meaning 'Running around'She is excited yet nervous, she knows she is going to miss her family but she cannot wait to explore life off of the farm, and away from house work.Follow her on her Rumspringa adventure.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this a while ago. It was on wattpad but I've gotten tired of using that so I've moved here. This isn't beta'd so all mistakes are mine.

Hi, my name is Lexa Woods. I’m Amish.  
I’ve lived in our world my entire life; in just four hours from now, I’ll be leaving my world for Rumspringa. Rumspringa is for Amish teenagers, like myself, to sample the outside world before baptism. If you choose to come back to the church after Rumspringa that is, most people do.  
I have seven brothers, and one sister. Three of my brothers and my sister Anya have already been on their Rumspringa and came back. My four younger brothers are six, seven, eight, and ten years old. So, they have a while before they go off for their sample of the modern world. 

I am looking forward to having a glimpse of the outside world, but I know I will miss my family. We are a very tight knit community, family is the most important social unit in Amish culture. We are the definition of tight knit and I love that. 

I will be staying in TonDc, more commonly known as Washington DC. My parents have arranged an apartment for me to live in, it’s in the same building as many other kids I used to go to school with. So, I won’t necessarily be alone. They’ve also given me enough money for two weeks, giving me time to settle in and find a job. I have some of my own money to play around with as well. 

I live in a place what the English call “Amish country Pennsylvania.” But its Lancaster to be exact. We (me and the other kids who are departing the same day I am) will all be riding in a car all the way to TonDc, meaning I will be riding in a car for the first time in my life! Can you believe that!? As much as I love Pokey and Paco (my horses that pull our buggy.) I am really excited to ride a car. I am also excited to listen to music other than what we hear in church. 

“Lexa, you better be packing! I’ve made you a new quilt for your bed in TonDc, I also packed you some food with extra money to go to farmers markets, or Amish markets if you wish for good food. Oh, I am going to miss you so much little Snacha.” My mother coos 

“Thanks mom, it’s much appreciated. I will miss you too. I’ll miss dad too. Who am I kidding?? I’ll miss all of you! I will write you if it will make you feel better, but don’t worry if you don’t get a letter while I’m settling in.” 

“Okay, thank you Snacha. I’ll keep my eyes open for a letter. The Automobile will be here for you and the Riley’s children in an hour. Be down to have lunch in twenty minutes okay?” She says exiting my room. 

I continue to pack a few dresses, caps, aprons, stocking, and my good pair of shoes into my bag. I’ll definitely go shopping when I get to TonDc, but I do need something to wear there. 

Before I know it, my mother is yelling for me to come down for lunch. It definitely wasn’t twenty minutes but whatever, I’m hungry. I run downstairs before my brothers and father get to the table because there will be nothing left for me if they got here first. Mother has made a chicken and pasta dish with bread and corn on the side. Which, is one of my favorites.  
I eat as fast as I can so I can finish folding my blanket and try to stuff my favorite pillow into my bag before I leave. 

“May I be excused, Nontu?” I ask my father. 

“Sha, Snacha. Only this time” He grants me permission to leave the table early. (For the first time ever I might add.)

I stand up slowly, push my chair in and out my empty dish and water glass in the wash basin.  
Running upstairs I trip on the laces to my untied boots. (That I stole from my brother. SHHHH they can’t tell under my dress.)

“I’m Okay!!” I call out, and continue up the stairs. I pack everything quickly but neatly. Buckling my suitcase, I bring it down stairs and on the porch of my house. Admiring the farm view and the smell of fresh baked bread one last time. My eyes begin to water at the thought. 

“Okay Snacha, the car is at the Riley’s; they will be here next so we are all here to see you off.” My mother said, Standing behind me. I turn around and see all of my brothers in a line. Oldest to youngest, my dad and Anya not there. 

I stand up, and hug my mother. I can feel her trying not to let tears fall from her eyes. She has never been one to show emotion. She is too proud for that. 

I go down the line hugging each brother and crying a little bit more as I go down. The youngest, Aden, is my best friend. It hurts more than I imagined, saying goodbye to him. 

“I’ll be back baby bro, keep my bed warm for me okay??” I whisper in his ear. 

“Okay” He sobs, wiping his tears away with balled up little fists. 

“It will go by so fast. You are going to be so big so soon” I say hugging him tighter. 

“Leida Leksa, Ai hod yu in.” he whispers back.

“Ai hod you in, Ai na ste kom yu otaim.” 

The car pulls up and my dad comes through doorway. 

“Goodbye Snacha.” He whispers. I wave goodbye and he waves back, resting a hand on his belly before turning back into the house.  
The car is a blue van, with many seats. I get in and go all the way to the back, it is already loud with kids my age speaking in trigedasleng about what they plan to do and if they think they’ll come back.  
I stay out of the conversation, and just look out of the window. I smile thinking of all the first times that will happen on Rumspringa. 

“Can you play music?” Ontari asks the driver.

He nods in response “What station?” 

We all look at each other, not really knowing how to answer that question. 

“Whichever you prefer I guess.” Ontari finally answers. 

He laughs. “I guess that was kinda a dumb question.” 

She nods, and he turns the knob on the car, pulling away from my house he starts driving towards the paved roads.  
I look out of the back window to see mom and Aden standing on the porch, hand in hand, tears in their eyes. I wave and they wave back until I can’t see them, and they can’t see me. 

I turn around to look out the window with the air on my face, smelling the last of the farms and every family’s breads. It’s only a two-hour drive to TonDc so that’s good, and nerve-wracking. 

“Hey quiet one in the back. We are about to enter the city so I am gonna roll up your window. I just wanted to give you some warning in case your hand was out or something.” The floppy haired driver says, pulling me out of my thoughts.  
I nod and reach for the button to rill it back up, but before I get there it already starts rolling up.  
Once we get off of the crowded highway and enter the city, there’s nothing but sidewalks, busy intersections, tall buildings with advertisements littering the outsides. One tree planted at ever half mile and a very limited amount of grass. 

“Can I ask why you had to roll her window up?” Emori questions. 

“Yes, there are homeless people that will walk up to you and beg for money, but will get violent if you don’t give them any.” He sighs. “One time I gave a person my spare change, it wasn’t much because I’m a broke college student, but it was somethin’. Anyway, he threw it back at me because ‘it wasn’t enough’ 

“That’s rude. Any amount helps…it all adds up.” Emori gasped. “Can I ask your name??” She changes the subject quickly. 

“I’m Murphy, John Murphy. My friends just use my last name though. It doubles.” He smiles, happy she even thought to ask. “And yours?”

“I’m Emori; That’s my twin sister Ontari. Then Niylah and Nyko there, they are cousins.” She points around the van while we are at a red light. Murphy turns around and waves at everyone. “And in the back there, that’s Lexa. She’s nice, super quiet. Super intelligent, but super quiet.”  
I smile at the compliment, I didn’t know she thought of me like that. That’s kinda sweet. 

“I’m not that quiet.” I say. 

“OH MY GOD, SHE TALKS.” Niylah jokes. 

“Shof op, you’ve heard me talk!” I exclaim. 

“Oooo, she can be mean too.” Niylah laughs with the rest of the girls. 

My cheeks redden as the car comes to a final stop in front of District C Apartments.  
“Okay guys, I have keys for everyone. Each apartment has a kitchen, microwave, bathroom, bedroom, living room. It’s all furnished and has a television, that sort of thing. Once you have your keys you’re off on your own.” He explains, Ontari and Emori giggle. Clearly excited. 

“Emori” He holds out a single key with a green tag on it. She grabs it, along with her bag from the back and she waits for Ontari. 

“Lexa” I slowly approach him, holding out my hand, letting him place the key in my hands. I grab my bags from the back. 

“I can uh…I can leave now?” I ask.

“Yep, totally!”  
I look at the blue tag on my key to find which apartment I’m in. It says “Floor: 18 Apt: 1855 Landlord: Indra (XXX-XXX-XXXX)  
I start up the stairs to the 18th floor. Which happens to be the top floor, I found out when I got there.  
It’s nice and roomy, furnished, like murphy had said. A large U shaped black couch, and television against the far wall on a bookshelf. A wooden coffee table although the wood part seems to be fake. Plastic even. (Which I find rather peculiar.)  
I wander into the bathroom; it has a deep and fancy bathing tub. (nothing like we had at home.) and a tall three-dimensional fogged glass rectangle. I open the door on the cubical and there is a hose attached to the wall with a few different knobs under it. I pull on a knob and water sprays out of said hose…that’s awesome!! 

At home, we would have to take water from the rain barrel and heat it on the cooker in the basement. Then mix it with cold water to make it the right temperature, but if the rain barrel was dry then we would have to gather water from the pump out in the farm. Bring the galvanized wash basin to the living room next to the stove, make sure the curtains are closed. Only then would I get my bath. After the bath, we had to lug the wash basin outside dump the dirty water and do it all over again for the next person. And having Eleven people in a family made that more work than it already was for one person. This, this is easy. Turn the knob and water comes out, then it leaves down a drain. No actual work involved.

In the bedroom, there’s also a television on the wall. A large bed, two bedside tables and a small little desk in the corner. I sit at the desk and pull out a bound book from my back, making a list of things I’ll need to buy at the shops. 

List:  
Bedsheets (Preferably patterned.)  
New clothes and shoes. (Preferably patterned.)  
Toiletries and towels  
Something to make for dinner.  
(And a grocery push cart because that seems like a lot to carry) 

I get up and go into the living room, grabbing my bag. I bring it into the bedroom.  
Knowing my hair has a few fly aways, I grab a comb and head to the bathroom to redo the bun and put the bonnet back on, flinging the strings behind me. 

Grabbing my keys, the bundle of money my mother gave me, I head out the door. A few steps out of my apartment I realize I have no idea where the shops are. I decide to ask a neighbor, I take four strides to my left and knock lightly on apartments number ‘1856’ It has a little tag under the number that says ‘Kane’. An older grey/black haired, fair skinned man opened the and smiled. His teeth whiter than expected. 

“Uhm, Hello. Sorry to bother you but I am wondering if you might be able to give me directions to the nearest shops, where I can get a mixture of clothes, household items, and groceries.” I ask quietly. 

“Yeah sure, come on in. I’ll write them down for you.” I am hesitant to go in, as I do not know this man, but he seems harmless and I feel as though I could hold my own if something happened. 

“You’re Amish” He states. 

“Yes, sir.” I answer. 

“This must be quite the culture shock then. I grew up in a small town in Pennsylvania. I don’t know much about the Amish, but I do know they—I mean you, are very old agey.” He says. 

“Oh yeah, definitely a shock” I giggle, looking around his apartment. 

“I’ve never met an Amish before.” He states. Attitude leaking off his words. 

“Do you consider it a bad thing, meeting me??” I ask. 

“No, I don’t mind. You seem very nice.” 

“I have my moments.” 

“Well, here are your directions, see you around.” He said, walking me towards the door again. 

“Thank you, for the directions. I’m uh…I’m Lexa by the way” Deciding to play nice because we do live next to each other. 

“Nice to meet you Lexa, I’m Marcus.” He reaches out to shake my hand. I don’t take it, I thank him again and turn to leave. 

Following the directions leads me to a tall building that says D.C Shopping Center. I enter and there is a small desk that says security with an officer sitting at the computer. 

“Excuse me Sir, could you point me to the clothes shops please” 

“Take this elevator to the second floor, they are all right there.” He says, not even look up from his monitor. 

“Thank you, sir.”  
I walk over to the ‘elevator’  
and stand there not entirely sure what to do. Someone comes right up next to me and pushes a button on the wall, the man is in a suit and he looks to be between the ages of thirty and forty. He has a horrible cut on his upper lip.  
The elevator makes a noise and the man steps into the metal box, I follow. 

“What floor??” He deadpans. 

“Oh, second please.” I say, he pushes the button with a two on it and a button with a four on it. They both light up red. 

“Never seen your kind ‘round here. Not in a long time.” The man says.  
So far, I am appalled at how rude people are here, and how they don’t seem to care if they hurt your feelings. I wish Gustus was here. My oldest brother…he always knew how to make me feel better, and he always made the rude people go away.  
Seconds later the elevator makes another noise and the doors open. 

“This is you.” He says. I smile and thank him out of habit. 

The first store I see is a place called Spencer’s it’s very dark but the door is open so I walk in.  
“Hello welcome to Spence—whoa, I do not think you want to be in here. Not to be rude, but I don’t think it’s a great idea.” The man at the front desk says as soon as he sees me. 

“How come??” I ask, getting really fed up with the way people are acting towards me. I can’t wait to get out of these clothes to blend in. 

“There are a few things in here that will confuse you. You can stay, just don’t say I didn’t warn you. Let me know if I can help you with anything.” He smiles. 

“Okay” I say. 

Upon walking, around, I have found some peculiar things, just like the man had said I would. There are funnels with tubes attached hanging on the walls. Shirts that say ‘boobies make me smile.’ I cock an eyebrow at that. I head to the back which is the most lit area with an array of colorful…colorful…I don’t really know. 

I pick one up and read it. There is a hole in the top corner of the packaging that says “FEEL ME” with an arrow, so I put my finger in the hole and the blue material inside feels like cold gummies, but not candy. It’s hard to describe. I flip it over and read the back. It says “Batteries not included” and “Vaginal use only”, “Keep away from children.” Along with a paragraph vaguely describing the product. 

I take it to the guy at the front to ask what it might be. 

“You have to be eighteen to buy that, you are not eighteen.” 

“How would you know??” I ask 

“You look twelve” He said. Holding his hands out like he’s offering me something, but his hands are empty and he bears a confused look on his face. 

“Oh, well I don’t want to buy it. I want to know what it is.” 

“It’s a dildo.” He answers. 

“Okay, what’s it do?” 

He smiles this time, before answering. “You masturbate with it. It vibrates too. Hence the batteries needed.” 

“Oh” I blush. “OH” Getting the full picture after a moment of thinking. My face gets so hot it feels like my head could explode. 

“Yeah” He replies, a smile spread across his face. 

“I’ll take your warning and not go any further, nice to meet you.” I say, rushing out of the store. Talk about embarrassing. I don’t think I’ll ever go back in there…

I enter the store right next to it. Also, dark and playing music. Angry music playing I might add.  
“Hello, welcome to Hot Topic, is there anything I can help you with?” A young woman with very short brown hair, and massive holes in her ears greets me. 

“Uhm, not at the moment, thank you.” 

“Okay, just let me know if you need anything.” 

“I will, thank you.”

I start walking around and see lots of cool shirts and pants. I grab some jean material pants that look like they might fit, a white tank top with a cute little blue character on it and has the word “OHANA” on it. I don’t know what that means but the little guy is really cute so I grab it. A black dress with bones on it, I hold it up to me, realizing it’s a lot short I decide to ask for stockings. 

“Uhm, excuse me? Do you have stockings or something to go under this?” I ask, holding the dress up. 

“Yes! Back here, follow me.” She says. leading me to the back of the store I hold my breath in hopes it’s nothing like the other store. 

“May I suggest some things that would go well?”

“Please.” 

“Okay, so these fishnets look really nice with that dress also there are these stockings that have little cats on them.” 

“Why would I want to put fish nets on my body?” I question, more than just slightly confused. 

“They are a stocking. They just look like Fishnets hence the name. So, the ones with the cats, we also have ones that look like the skeleton of  
our legs so that’s pretty radical too.” 

“Ohhh, I’ll take the skeleton ones!” I exclaim, and she laughs at my excitement. 

“What size are you??” She asks. 

“Oh. I don’t know.” 

“Okay! That’s fine. I’m going to go ahead and guess a small, if they don’t fit just bring them back okay?” 

“Okay, thank you. You are very nice.” I say as I take my pile of clothes along with cat sneakers to the checkout counter. 

“Why thank you. Are you ready to check out?” 

“Oh, you are welcome. There are so many rude people in this city so finding someone isn’t restores my home a bit. Also, yes.” I explain to her. She smiles brightly as she rings everything up. “That’ll be $45.75. And yeah, this city is definitely special when it comes to people, but make friends your own age and you’ll be okay.” The woman reassures me. I hand her money and she puts everything in a big bag for me and hands me my change. 

“Thank you. I will work on that, making friends. It was very nice meeting you.” I say on my way out the door. She smiles and waves, getting back to work. 

The store across the aisle says “BED, BATH, AND BEYOND.” “perfect” I whisper, making a B-line for the store. 

Once I finish all of my shopping, I turn the directions into directions back to the apartment building. I put all the things I bought into the push cart I got, since sadly I do not have my buggy with me.  
I decide to take the elevator up to my floor, lugging the push cart up eighteen flights would be really hard, and silly because I know how to work an elevator now.  
I push floor 18 and ride up; in a matter of seconds the elevator makes that noise and the doors open. “That was significantly easier than the stairs.” I mutter quietly to myself. 

Unpacking my things into the dresser that was provided and the food in the cold box WITHOUT ICE!! The box is cold, and stays cold, but it has no ice inside!  
I put towels on the racks in the bathroom and the toiletries in the closet.  
In the living room, I look at how to turn the television on, there is a small black block with lots of buttons on it, only one red one that says “POWER” Above it so, I push that one. The television snaps on and I grab the T.V guide to see what I can watch.  
Unfortunately, the guide only says things like ‘MTV, ABC, CNN, HBO, E! ID, NICK, CN, DISNEY, CW’ and I don’t really understand what it’s trying to convey. So, I push the numbers next to the letters MTV  
“IT’S MUSIC!” I keep it on that and watch the music videos as I dance. 

It’s 9:30p.m. I stop dancing because I am so tired, sweaty, and completely out of breath.  
I sit on the couch and flip to the ‘Nick’ channel and they are playing a show called ‘Victorious.” Which is pretty entertaining so I keep it on. My eyes involuntarily close and I end up falling asleep.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I put the Trigedasleng English translations inside [these] let me know if that is bothersome.   
> Again this isn't beta'd all mistakes are mine. Along with some of the Trigedasleng I put some sentences together myself so there are probably some mistakes there too.

Waking up on the couch with the television on was strange. Very strange. I’m not used to the electronic hum of the ice box, the television, and the furnace. I’m not was used to it, and it was odd waking up with all of that filling my head so early in the morning.

Since the television has a clock, so I didn’t bother looking outside to find out the time. It was given to me on a silver platter! 6:30a.m. That’s the time. I always get up somewhere between 6:00 and 7:00 because that’s the time my work starts, but now I have no work. It’s like waking up in an alternate world…its quite odd. (I mean, I literally am in a different world. This place is nothing like Lancaster.)

Getting off the couch I realized that sleeping there, in an upright position made my neck ache and my back crack. Something that’s never happened to me before, I don’t like the feeling.

A few moments of shuffling across the floor feeling the carpeting underneath my feet on my way to the bathroom I noticed a few things I don’t like.

I don’t like how I don’t smell bread, and don’t hear my brothers and father working on the farm. I don’t like how Anya isn’t here to make a remark about the Levi’s daughter and mother taking her statement an entirely different way than intended, making us giggle. I don’t like how Aden isn’t giving me wild flower crowns that he’s made for me on water breaks. He knows I love his flower crowns so much. (even if they don’t hold up for more than a few hours. I still have a lot to teach him) I miss them all greatly…now that they aren’t here.

But at the same time; I like how I could sleep on the couch, and I like the clock and watching television. I enjoy the sounds of the city hustling outside my window. I suppose it will get old, but for right now, I like it. I like this sense of freedom. It makes my stomach churn, but not in a bad way. I feel free, free to be me, to explore the life I’ve dreamed of since I was little. To see where it leads me.

*Knock, Knock, Knock* Raps at my door, it startles me at first but then I realize that no one here knows me except the people I came here with, so it’s probably one of them. So, I go to answer the door.

“Heya! Sochu??” Emori practically cheered. She wasn’t one to talk to me so I’m a bit suspicious, but glad she is talking to me none the less. [Hey! How are you?]

I smile a closed mouth smile, then answer. “Hei, ai ste os. Ha yu?” [Hey, I’m awesome. How are you?]

“Ai ste os, en disha sonraun ste get ai daun. Mochof.” She answers, shaking her hand by her stomach to put a visualization to her nerves. [I’m awesome, and this lifestyle has me a bit worried.]

“Ahhh, Nou get yu daun. It’ll all be okay. Did you need something??” [Stop worrying.]

“Sha, Heda. I don’t know how to work the shower, I was wondering if you did??” She giggles. [Yes, commander.]  I nod and step aside so she can enter my space.

“I’ll help.” I add. She nods her thanks and follows me to my bathroom.

“So, it seems you went shopping. Cute clothes.” Emori points out my ‘sock monkey’ (whatever that is) pajamas.

“Thank you, I thought so too.” I say.

Once we walk into my bathroom I open the shower door and get in it. Pulling the hose down so I don’t get soaking wet. (I learned that it came down the hard way, a story for another day.)

“So, the red color is hot and blue is cold. You turn this bit to the middle of the both of them and it gets warm. Then you pull the twisty bit out and-“ I continue until the hose shoots out water.

Emori’s eyes go wide before she speaks “Say goodbye to putting water on the cooker!!” Emori exclaimed. Which made me laugh, yet silently agree.

“Mochof Heda. Also, there is this party down the road a bit. My neighbor told me about it some girls brother is hosting it… I don’t know the details but it will be fun. I’m going alone and don’t really want to. You should join me. I want to go shopping around 10:00a.m so knock on my door around then if you want to come to the party. My apartment number is 1643” She drabbled on and on, but I was listening.

“Yeah, I’ll go. Thanks for the invitation. See you later then Emori.” I say, she smiles then exits my apartment.

I get started on making pancakes with sausage, and freshly squeezed orange juice. My favorite!

 

After breakfast, I folded and put away all the clothes I brought from home. I don’t think I will wear these as long as I’m here, but it feels nice to have them neat and put away.

After that I washed the dishes listening to whatever is on MTV. I then showered and put on my day clothes. Littering my wild curly hair with braids to keep it out of my face. I’m excited to feel the wind in my hair for the first time.

I grab a shirt and some jean pants to take down to Emori so she won’t have to wear her dress and bonnet out. Sparing her from people being so rude, like they were to me. Now finally walking down to apartment 1643. On the sixteenth floor; not too many floors away from mine.

I knock on her door and say my hellos to passing neighbors of hers before she gets to the door.

“Hei, Leksa. Ha yu?” She asks again.

Out of habit I do the same. “Ai ste enti. Ha yu?” [I’m hungry. How are you?]

“Seinteim. Want to get lunch?? I’ll buy.” [Same]

“Sha” I nod, and hand her the clothes.

“We’ve always been the same size, and people were horribly mean to me in the shops yesterday so I thought I’d spare you. You can borrow them if you’d like.” I offer. She nods happily. Taking any opportunity to get out of her dress.

Welcoming me inside, I sit on her couch taking in my surroundings. The apartment looks exactly like mine, but a little bit of a different shape. A hallway leads to her bathroom and her bedroom. Which are not connected. My bathroom is in my room. But there are two doors so you don’t have to go through my bedroom to get to the bathroom, where hers is just completely separate. But other than that, it’s pretty much the same.

Walking out of the bathroom Emori sits on the couch next to me. “Heda, could you braid my hair like yours??” She asks. I smile standing up and pulling a chair out for her to sit on.

“Yeah, you have really pretty hair.” I say pulling pieces to make a few small braids throughout her hair. Pulling the strands away from her face and braiding them into the back.

“Thanks, you do too. I didn’t know you had curly hair. I guess I should’ve guessed since some of your brothers do.” She trailed on. I smile as it seems she is nervous to be around me, because she doesn’t usually ramble on like this. But she did say this whole thing was nerve-wracking.

 

Once I finish with her hair we head out the door. Walking around to find somewhere to eat, then I suggest all the different restaurants in the mall, so we just head straight there.

We decide on nates deli. It looks the healthiest; like something we would eat at home. While eating, we talk about everything from the culture shock to the rude people on the streets, to the party, and what we want to wear.  This is the most Emori and I have ever engaged, I must say she is more pleasant to be around than I remember, and she’s quite silly. She is a different person in this world than she is in our world back home, and sadly I like this Emori better.

After lunch, I take her to Spencer’s only to run out of there blushing like I had the last time. Only this time she was blushing right along with me. Then I take her to Hot Topic, Forever 21, Pac sun, and H&M. Once we had a plethora of outfits and shoes we take a cab back home.

“I’m so tiredddd” I groan shuffling into the elevator.

“I know me too. So, go home, put away your clothes, pick out what you want to wear to the party. I’ll be coming up here to get you at 9:30-ish because the party is super close to here and starts at 10:00p.m.” Emori rushed out just in time with the elevator door opening noise thing.

I wave until the door close and takes me up to my floor.

Once I get in I do as Emori said and put away my clothes and keep out the ones I want to wear.

I keep out the bone dress with the skeletal stockings and then I flop on my bed and turn on the Disney station on the television until it’s time to go.

 

What only felt like minutes later, it seems I’ve taken a nap. Awoken by knocking on my door. I rush to open it letting Emori in, I shut the door and grab my clothes and run to the bathroom.

“Running late, are we??” She asks against the door.

“Yes, I fell asleep. I’m sorry. I’ll be out and ready in a second.” I say rushing to get these stockings on. Once I do, I look in the full-length mirror on the back of the door, and it’s an acceptable look.

“Oh, my goodness! That is so cute!!” Emori exclaims pointing to the stockings. I laugh and thank her. Pulling on my brothers old farm boots and stuffing my key in there too, we head out the door.

Walking only a few minutes away from home we arrive at this house. It is cute and quaint but seems it might be more spacious than it looks. I hearing music banging, vibrating the windows on the house, but I guess for a Friday night in July this is acceptable. I knock a few times on the door.

^^//^^

“Hey Bell!! Someone’s knocking on the door want me to answer it?” I yell over the music Bellamy who is mixing drinks to order.

“Yes!!” He yells back. I exit my circle of friends and head towards the door. Smiling at the fact that someone knocked on the door to enter a party.

Upon opening the door, I see two ordinary looking girls standing on the bottom step just looking at me. Except one is wearing a dress with bones on it and skeleton stockings, I see she fancies Hot topic. I smile at her outfit choice. The one with the most intriguing green eyes and amazing outfit speaks first.

“We are uh…We’re here for a party.” She says stepping up one more step.

“You’ve come to the right place then. But you don’t have to knock. It’s a party.” I say trying not to laugh.

“Isn’t it rude to just waltz into people’s homes like that?” The green eyed girl asks.

“Usually, but not when it’s a party. Do you girls know anyone here or no???” I ask making sure they know their way around a party.

“My neighbor invited me to come. I can’t recall her name though. I brought Lexa along.” The other girl spoke up. Pointing to her very beautiful friend, who now has a name. “Though it is our first party here. we just moved here.” Lexa added beaming from ear to ear.

“Oh, well I’m Clarke. So now you know me. You guys can come had with me and my friends. If…if you want too, that is.” Stuttering is never usually my thing but this girl’s bright smile made my heart skip a few beats impeding on my ability to breathe, and clearly speak.

“I’m Lexa, and this is Emori. We would love to join you and your friends if that’s okay with you.” Lexa says. I whisper her name to myself, making a mental note to never forget it.

I wave them on to follow me and they do. We head to the fireplace where everyone is standing in a circle.

I introduce everyone to Emori and Lexa, and vice versa.

“Can I make you two ladies something to drink??” Bellamy asks them. They both smile, but only one answers.

“Sure, but don’t ask what we want because we have no idea about anything that’s being served.” Lexa answered, and I smiled. Immediately knowing what he was going to make them.

He turns on his heels and heads for the kitchen, coming back moments later with red solo cups.

Lexa takes a sip of it with absolutely no hesitation. (Which is strange.)

“Oooooo this tastes good. What is it??” She asks waggling her eyebrows, raising each eyebrow at a different time.

“Long Island Iced Tea.” Bellamy answers, and she smiles drinking more of it.

“Yeah it tastes really good.” Emori nods. “Hey look! Murphy!” Emori said pointing towards the kitchen where Murphy was standing.

“Yeah…how’d you know… How do you know him??” I ask.

“I drove them here. Into the city.” He said putting his cup down and waving specifically at Emori. She smiles and waves back.

“Ohhh Kayyy” I sigh awkwardly. Wiping sweat off of my forehead; noticing how stuffy it’s gotten in here.

“Woah! What’s that…on your wrist!” Lexa practically yells, taking notice to my tattoo.

I hold my hand out for her to see it better. Her face comes really close to my wrist as she runs her fingers over the inked bracelet.

“It’s beautiful. I’ve never seen anything like it in my life.” She says, still studying it. “Who is JG??” She questions. I hold my breath, I don’t usually answer the question. But I oddly enough I feel myself wanting to answer her.

I take a deep breath before answering. “My dad.”

“Oh, well that’s interesting. I thought it would have been a boyfriend or something.” She says, seeming to be happy that it’s not a boyfriend.

“No, I’d never do that. Get a tattoo of a boyfriend’s name or something. But no, it’s my father initials.” I repeat. She nods and smiles.

“Have anymore??” She questions. Already on her second Long Island Iced tea.

“Yes.” I smile. She looks me up and down not finding anymore. “Where?” She smirks, and I can’t help but smile wholly.

I tease. “Hidden”

“May I see??” I stand, thinking about showing her or making her wait as an excuse to see her again or at least a different time. “Please” Her plea comes out almost like a whine. It’s most likely the alcohol talking.

“Maybe, I’ll think about it.”

“Okay” She shrugs her shoulders, not pushing or begging any further; much to my surprise.

Bellamy brings her, her third Iced tea and she gulps about half of it down in an instant.

“Hey might want to go easy on that? There is more EtoH in there than meets the tongue.” I laugh.

“More what??” she questions with furrowed brows.

“Alcohol.” I state. She makes her mouth in the shape of an ‘O’ but doesn’t make a sound.

“I guess that explains the reason I feel like I am going to puke.” She states so nonchalantly.

“Okayyy that means you’ve had enough.” I say taking the cup from her smiling at her seemingly everlasting ‘nooooooooooo’

I take Lexa to the stairs removing the baby gate that says “Restricted” on it, and helping her up the stairs leading her to the bathroom. She sits sound on the floor by the toilet. I sit on the ledge of the bathtub, I look to her wrists and to mine finding no sign of a hair tie. So, I gather up her massive amounts of curly caramel hair in my hands…I’m honestly not surprised that holding some kind of random girl’s hair back while she pukes her guts out is the highlight of my week.

“So, I’m taking you home. What do you want me to do about your friend?” I ask. She rests her elbow on the edge of the bathtub.

“She can uh…She can stay as long as she is safe. Her mother would kill me if she got hurt.” She stated. I smile at her consideration for the people around her. “I don’t want to ruin your night either though.” She sighs thus proving my point even further.

“Nope, it’s okay. You actually made my night. I’ll make sure Octavia gets your friend home safe.” I assure her.

“I don’t want to ruin her night either.”

“You’re stubborn.” I laugh

“I’ve been told.” She slurs.

I help her up, we walk…more like stumble down the stairs. Catching Octavia I ask if she could look out for Emori, telling her I’m taking Lexa home. Octavia says it’s no problem and shoo’s me and Lexa out the door.

I started walking down the street when I realize I have no idea where Lexa lives.

“Where do you live?” I question. She stops walking, putting her hand in her boot and takes out one single key with a blue tag on it.

The tag has her address written on it as well as the floor and apartment number. So, head there.

We walk passed groups of drunk college students while passing the bars.

“Hey Sexy! Smile why don’t ya!” One yelled. “Yo! I could show yall pretty girls a good time!!” Another called out. My heart was going to beat right out of my heart was going to beat right out of my ribcage if we didn’t get to her apartment soon. Once we turn the corner into the residential area I feel much better. I really didn’t want to go full out angry Clarke with my pepper spray in front of someone like Lexa.

Someone like Lexa. I don’t even know who she is much less what she’s like.

“Do I have to worry about any angry parents when I get you home?” I ask the question only coming to my mind now. I wish I would’ve thought of it early.

She slurs. “Nope, I’m on my own.”

“How old are you??” I question. I’d be way too surprised if she said she was over seventeen.

“I’m sixteen.” She said tilting her head as to ask why.

“Oh. Okay then. Me too, Me too, Sixteen. Not on my own.” I ramble, not wanting to ask why she lives alone in case it’s a risky conversation.

Walking into her building I head towards the elevator, she heads to the stairs.

“I’m not dragging you up eighteen floors. We are taking the elevator.”

“Fine.” She says pouting and crossing her arms. Letting go of me and nearly falling over before I grab her again.

Letting her lean on me inside the elevator she looks up at me, her eyes giant, mysterious, and adorable.

“You smell good” She giggles running a hand through her hair having it cascade down her shoulders, stopping right above her belly button would be.

“Thanks. I guess.” Laughing to myself I wonder what I actually smell like to her.

The elevator doors ding and Lexa imitates the sounds. I cannot help but laugh at how adorable she is. I don’t even know her and I am beaming at this very beautiful, very drunk girl in front of me.

“Hayyyyy Loooook we are hereeeeee” Lexa sings. Resting her head on my shoulder as I unlock her door.

Once we walk in she starts taking her boots off, starting to take her dress off. I stop her.

Quickly I close her curtains, she pulls me through a door that I assume leads to her room.

I see sock monkey pajamas laying in her bed and I laugh. Her naivety surprises me, but it is so endearing. I look behind me and Lexa is laying on the floor passed out.

I decide to just pick her up. I slip one hand under her knees and one behind her back. I lay her on her bed, and takes off her dress slipping on the light blue sock monkey shirt and buttoning it up. I put her keys on my counter. Searching my pocket for paper and a pen or something. I find and old receipt and a pen on her counter.

_‘Lexa, call me if you’d like to see more tattoos, (XXX-XXX-XXXX) Or if you need a tour of the best things in DC. Looking around I’ve noticed you don’t seem to have a phone. Kinda odd for a teenager living alone in DC but here is my address too 1119 Labyrinth court rd. come find me when you are free. —from Clarke griffin.’_

I can only hope she will remember me in the morning, and I can hope she will come find me sooner than later, but with that I leave her apartment locking the door before I shut it. and literally haul ass all the way home, in fear of being catcalled alone.

 

“Hey ma! Sorry I’m late. I walked this girl home so she wouldn’t be alone. How was work?” I yell out to my mother who was sitting on the couch watching ‘Bones’ for real though what else is new with her.

“It’s okay. I wasn’t too worried yet. That was nice of you Clarke. Work was fine, raven is in the basement playing video games.”

“Good, glad work was fine. I’m going to see raven now then.” I said taking off my shoes. Running downstairs I can hear raven cursing at her game.

“It’s not the games fault you suck!” I joke.

“Sup hoe, how was the party.”

“Great would’ve been better with you though. Met this girl tonight…holding her hair while she puked was the highlight of the party if you could believe that!” I explain.

She laughs then just focus’ on her game for a few seconds before pausing it.

“Did you get laid tonight griffin?? You seem awfully happy.” She questioned.

“No I didn’t, she was drunk Rae. I just like the girl. I’m infatuated with her, she’s cute, really naïve, but not immature. Mysterious too.”

“This is so out of character for you griffin, you are scaring me honestly.” Raven said holding her hand over her heart for dramatic effect.

“I left her my number, and address because it seems she doesn’t have a phone. So, either she comes to see me and we hit it off, or she comes to see me and murders me. Can’t wait to find you which one!!” I joke.

“Not funny…that’s not funny Clarke.” Raven pushed my shoulder as we laughed together.

“I’m going to bed, see you in the morning” I say tossing the game controller at her.

I go upstairs, change and climb into bed, unable to fall asleep for what feels


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This isn't beta'd all mistakes made are mine.   
> Towards the ending there is some internalized homophobia. Which is to be expected throughout most of this fiction. Just a heads up incase that'll bother someone.

Saturday I went looking for a job and came across this candle shop called ‘Arkadia’s Candles’ and Clarke was there! Working of course, but she was there. We talked a little and she showed me some candles that were her favorites, then made me smell gross ones to make her laugh. She didn’t tell me they were going to be gross, actually she said quite the opposite. After I got like ten different candles she asked if I wanted to get together on Monday. So, I said that was fine, and that I’d make dinner. It would be just a lowkey evening instead of going out somewhere.

Today is Monday, and I’m nervous but don’t actually know why. I mean, it’s just Clarke. She’s just a person. I shouldn’t be nervous, but try telling that to the knots in my stomach.

The weekend went by so fast. I went grocery shopping for a more detailed list of things. I went to the park on Massachusetts street, the funniest thing about that park is it’s called a park yet there is still no grass. Plants in planters, and trees in missing tiles of concrete but no grass…that’s what I was looking for.

After the park I put in loads of applications to different places, restaurants, bookstores, soap shops.

Aside from the nerves I really am excited about my get together with Clarke. I don’t know why I am _so_ excited about it…I just am. I like the idea of someone wanting to spend time with me. Not because I studied and they didn’t. and not because they pitied me for sitting alone at lunch, but because they actually want to be in my presence.

I even thought through what I wanted to make for dinner.

////

It’s 4:55 and I’m turning the corner onto Labyrinth court road, once you turn the corner into the neighborhood, the city hubbub is gone and the houses have lawns, driveways, and garages. Kids on three wheeled bicycles circling the round-about in the heart of the mini community.

I study each house, looking at the numbers then back at the little paper Clarke left with the little note on it. (Which by the way was very nice of her to leave a note. I woke up with the worst headache I’d ever had. If I hadn’t known any better, I’d have thought I was dying or something. The night was a bit blurry aside from Clarke. For some reason, the image of her was clearer than day.)

Once I see the numbers 1119 in bright white print on a black mailbox across the street I hurry across the street and knock on the door three times then step back to the edge of the steps.

A very tan, very muscular girl with dark, almost black hair answers the door; wearing a red tank top that stops just above her belly button and the tiniest pair of black shorts I have ever seen in my entire life.

I looked at her for a second… how could a person look like that? How could all of Clarke’s friends (including Clarke herself) be so physically flawless?? Did she only pick friends that looked like this on purpose, or was everyone in TonDc just simply pretty. If she did it on purpose, then why is she even giving me the light of day? Is this girl even her friend or are they related in some way??

“Uhh…Can I help you??” She asked, her voice laced with attitude.

“Oh, yeah.” I cleared my throat to not sound so small, trying to stand with more confidence than I possess. “I’m looking for Clarke, we have plans…plans for me to pick her up at 5:00p.m.”

“So you’re Lexa, huh?? Makes so much sense now. You’re adorable” She coos. Which only makes my cheeks burn and my eyes shift to the floor. _So much for confidence, Lexa…_ “Right…griffin is known for being notoriously late, so she just hopped in the shower not even minutes ago. Come on in. Chill with me. I’m Raven.“ The dark haired girl said. I step through the door way and walk into Clarke’s home.

_What makes sense?? How did she know who I was?? Was Clarke talking about me, if so, why, and what could she have said? She doesn’t really know me. She called me adorable? Adorable like pinch my cheeks adorable or like you shouldn’t have any trouble finding a date type of adorable. Adorable. Me??_

The air in the house is cool, and smells like flowers. The walls are a light green and they are littered with paintings, like none I have ever seen before. I do recognize the initials on the bottom of half the paintings. The detailed ones of outer space, the moon, other planets that I am not educated on their names. JG, the same initials etched into Clarke’s wrist, her father. Things I know about him: An exceptional painter, loves space, deeply adored by Clarke. Those are the things I know about him, those all sound like wonderful things. The initials on the other half are CG, Clarke griffin, their ‘G’s written the exact same way.

“Yeah…Clarke is an amazing artist. You should see her room, most of her walls are covered!” Raven emphasized.

“Indeed, she is amazing. I am honestly not surprised.” I state, still looking at the portraits Clarke painted.

“Oh?” She asked, standing up and limping towards me. This is the first time I am noticing her gate, and the things surrounding her leg. I make no expression. _What expression is there to make, really? Her body’s ability is none of my business._

“Raven, that’s a lovely name.” I interject, remembering her telling me her name, and I was too busy in my own head to acknowledge what she had said.

“Thanks” She smirks. Head held high and hands on her hips.

“So, how did you and Clarke meet? You seem very fond of her.” I say, stating my observations and she smiles.

“We dated the same kid, at the same time. When we found out about each other he was away on a field trip for school, and over that week Clarke and I bonded, we became best friends instead of hating each other and forgiving him. We loved each other and hated him. He hurt both of us in more ways than one. When he came back from the field trip both of us greeted him at the bus stop, his face was priceless!! But yes, as you put it I am very fond of her. She is my best friend.” Raven explained letting out a long sigh as she said all of that on one breath. She explained very fast, like she’s been over the speech before and didn’t really want to talk about it. Which I understand. I dislike talking about things personal to me too; especially to people I don’t really know.

I don’t understand how one could date two people at the same time without either of them knowing…well I guess that didn’t seem to last too long as they both found out. But that is so wrong. Who does that? I don’t understand how someone could be so terrible. Clarke doesn’t deserve that. No one does really. But it makes me wonder what Clarke was like in the past. Was she always so nice and caring, caring about random strangers at parties. It makes me want to spend more time with her, to get to know her even more than I already do so far.

“Well, it’s nice you two had each other then…” I whisper, not really knowing what else to add when the situation has me confused.

“Definitely, I literally wouldn’t be able to walk without that hoe.”

_Hoe??? What??? Why would you call someone that? That doesn’t make any sense. Hoe, like something you garden with, an inanimate object._

“Did you just call Clarke a garden hoe??” I ask and she laughs like I was joking, I think she legitimately thought I was joking. _Was that funny?? I wasn’t really trying to be. I am so serious right now._  

Once she finishes laughing, she wipes the tears from her eyes. She notices my facial expression hasn’t changed, or I assume she noticed that I wasn’t joking, because she gets a real serious look in her eyes and then says: “Oh…oh, honey you were serious? No, no. It’s slang really, like a whore someone who sleeps around a lot, but me and the rest of the gang-who I assume you met at the party- use it as a term of endearment…well, not really actually, it’s just something that we call each other to be honest-which I wouldn’t do unless you are really close with someone just a warning.” She explains and I still don’t understand why you would call someone you love a whore. It beats me. I would get in so much trouble for using that word, much less if I called someone in my family that.

“RAVEN! If you are putting that poor girl through the wringer I swear- I might kill you dead!!” Clarke yells from the top of the stairs. I can’t see her but I can hear her bare feet stomping her way down the steps.

Kill you dead?? That makes no logical sense. Of course if you kill someone, they’d be dead.

I’m starting to come to the realization that I really _don’t_ fit in at all-even though I am trying to- which to be honest I’ve never fit in anywhere. Not in school, not at the market, not even at family gatherings. But here I feel like they are speaking a language I don’t know. The slang I guess, it confuses me and kind of makes me feel dumb when someone explains it to me. I usually just don’t ask. People look at me funny because I don’t laugh at the jokes. They still don’t know that I am not really ‘one of them’. And I’ve certainly never had large cliques of friends like everyone else out here.

Once Clarke appears at the bottom of the stairs, I smile. Her hair is out, wet and wavy. A shade darker than usual due to being wet. A smirk plastered to her face, glaring at Raven.

“I didn’t do anything wrong Clarke.” Raven says, then turns to me “Tell her I wasn’t mean, that I didn’t interrogate you.”

“She was very nice Clarke, I promise. She was just explaining to me her use of the word ‘Hoe’ “ I state. Clarke smacks raven on her shoulder playfully, but it still sounded like it hurt. Both of them smile, looking at each other like they are having a conversation I cannot hear nor can I understand.

“I love you Clarke, you look like a fucking clown. I hope you have fun you deserve it asshole!!” Raven yells, holding the door open for us to leave.

“I will, love you too ya robot, see ya later.:

I love observing Clarke with her friends. They are their own community, tight knit and loving. Passionate about making sure everyone knows they are loved then promptly insulting them afterwards. Their own culture within another culture, they are very interesting.

“What’s the plan?” Clarke asks, smiling up at me as we walk out of her neighborhood.

Her smile is a smile I’ve rarely seen- not that I see her that much in general- but I saw it when she opened the door for me and Emori. I saw it when she was watching me trace her tattoo, and when she saw me after coming down the stairs. It’s a special kind of smile. The kind that makes her eyes smile too. Her nose scrunches up a little bit and I swear it could make anyone’s day just a bit brighter.

“I was going to make dinner, we can eat and talk. I know it’s not the most original of plans, but I am a really good cook, and I want to talk. Get to know you…or something.”

I look Clarke up and down. She wears such simple clothes but they look so nice on her.  She wears a plain blue V neck shirt, along with tight jean pants. It’s a common outfit in this city. Though, there is nothing common about Clarke.

“You look lovely, Clarke.”

“Thanks Lex. So do you. You always look beautiful. You kinda make it seem effortless.” She smiles that unexplainable smile again, looking up at me.

“Thank you, the only person who has ever said that besides my mother is my little brother.” Clarke laughs at my response, that’s only kind of a joke.

“How many siblings do you have?” She asks as we step onto the elevator in my building. The atmosphere quiets down so abruptly that I can hear her breathing.

“A lot, seven brothers and a sister.” I tell her.

Her eyebrows raise and her jaw practically falls to the floor.

“Wow, a lot no kidding! I’d love to have siblings.” She sighs.

“You don’t…You don’t have _any_??” I ask, it’s hard to fathom someone not having any siblings. Everyone back home has loads of siblings.

“Nah, my mother wanted more. But dad didn’t live long enough, I can’t see her ever getting over him enough to date someone else.” Clarke smiled a sad smile, but her eyes still found a way to be so bright under the horrible hallway lighting.

“Well, you have friends that treat you like siblings. I didn’t have that.”

“You didn’t have friends!? That’s hard to believe Lex!”

“I didn’t just my brothers. One girl down the road too but she was older than me, her parents didn’t like me. So, we just gave up trying to be friends.”

“What about Emori?? She’s your friend, right??” Clarke asks.

“Mmm, Friend since like…a couple days ago. We only became friends a day before that party. Though we grew up a farm away from each other she was never really nice to me.”

“Oh, well that blows chunks. Now you have friends. All of my friends are your friends, and me of course.” Clarke laughs, plopping herself down on my couch. I sit next to her, tucking my knees under my chin, wrapping my arms around my legs.

“Oh, so I don’t forget— “Clarke reaches into the back pocket of her jean pants and hands me a small flat rectangular box wrapped in white paper and a blue ribbon.

“What’s this?? Is this a gift??? You didn’t have to get me a gift?” I say immediately. Why’d she get me a gift…

Clarke holds her hand up to silence me. I comply; I just look at her smiling, flashing her perfect teeth. “I spent no money and it was my mother’s idea. Just open it. Careful not to rip the paper cause I drew something on the back for you.” Clarke explains scooting closer to me on the couch. Close enough that I can tell she smells like strawberries and mint.

I carefully open the paper-successful in not ripping it-I look at Clarke before I open it all the way.

It’s a mobile telephone, one of the fancy ones with the touch screen. I’ve seen people use these a lot when my family is selling food and quilts at the market.

Next I look at the drawing on the back of the paper…It’s me! It’s the best thing I’ve ever seen, it’s so realistic, and the only ounce of color used is the green in my eyes. Which have definitely been exaggerated they’re not nearly as green in real life but this is a really nice picture.

“Wow, Clarke this is really… There are no words in my vocabulary to help me explain how beautiful this is. It’s amazing. Thanks, you for the telephone but these are expensive I— “

“My family is not lacking in money, this is an old phone of mine, my mother put it into service. You came up at dinner one night, and I told her I didn’t notice a phone when I brought you home. She thought that was absurd that a teenager was alone in DC with no phone so she did this. Seriously Lexa, don’t worry it. Don’t mention it.” Clarke explained. I smiled and thanked her.

“Also, I programmed my number, the Blake’s, Raven, Bellamy’s friend Lincoln from school, he has a car and is super strong. Like gigantic dude! So, if you are ever in danger you can call and tell him you are my friend. He would be there in a second. Along with Maya, and Harper, everyone with pictures so you know who you’re calling. You are not alone out here Lex. Everyone is here for you.” Clarke continues.

The things she said makes me smile more than I ever remember smiling. I feel very cared for. It’s so strange to come into a world not knowing anyone, having no friends and barely a recognition for who _you_ are, and who you want to be in this world. Hoping that who you are out here you won’t like and when rumspringa is over, you’ll go back; and everything will go back to the way it used to be. But if my mother heard what Clarke had just said to me she would be very happy that I am being looked after. Maybe she would worry less. Knowing that I matter to someone. This reminds me I have to write to my mother, and I will tell her about Clarke, and not to worry because I’m safe.

“Thanks Clarke. This means a lot.” Is all I can say, and Clarke nods simply.

We sit in an awkward silence for a few minutes, I look at Clarke looking around my apartment. Only Minutes later I hear her tummy rumble really loud; which made me giggle.

“Sorry” Clarke laughs, laying her arm across her stomach.

“You should have told me you were hungry sooner! I can go for hours without eating. I’ll make dinner” I say getting up off the couch. “Come sit with me??”

Clarke follows and sits at the island counter that is facing the stove top cooker, so we can talk face to face while I cook.

“Want water or uh…ginger ale??” I ask.

“Water, please and thanks.”

\---

I quickly maneuver my way around the kitchen. Cutting quickly not really watching what I’m doing. I can see Clarke wincing every now and then when I get close to my fingers with the knife. I smile and tell her to relax, that I’m okay multiple times but she still winces. And each time I still reassure her that I’m alright.

We talk about loads of things while I’m cooking. Mostly her art and I mention her tattoo again, in the light of day it is even more amazing to me. She lets me touch it again and giggles at me amazement for something that seems so simple to her. It instantly makes me wonder about her other tattoos that she’s mentioned.

She mentions school a lot and how summer break just started last month in June, how she goes back in august and isn’t really looking forward to it. I always loved school, I was always excited to learn new things. Though maths and science were never my strong suits. I loved reading, writing and English though. I’ve always been good at them. It made my classmates ask me for answers to tests even though they got mad when I wouldn’t give them the answers. It made me feel good that they thought I was smart enough, and that they trusted I had the correct answers.

I tell Clarke about my school experience. How after eighth grade I stopped school and started working. Since I haven’t told her that I am Amish she was kind of shocked about stopping school so early.

I want to tell her, I want to tell her about me being Amish. But I want her to like me for me. I don’t want her to judge me for religion or the way of life like most of the English do. I do realize that Clarke is not the same as other English people; she still grew up with the same people who do judge me so I suppose I am weary of her reaction.

Once all I have to do is wait for the Macaroni and cheese to get out of the oven, I sit next to Clarke at the island table.

“So, could I see another one of your tattoos?” I question.

Clarke laughs, the kind where her gravelly voice catches in her throat and makes a really nice sound. My stomach does multiple somersaults; I just try to push it they side and ignore it.

“Of course,” She stands up and puts her foot on the chair she was sitting in. Putting a hand on my shoulder to steady herself, she rolls up her pant leg to right under her knee.

On her calf, there in an organically shaped spot of bright color. Maybe the size of my palm. Again, it is a bit of Outer space. It appears to be under her skin, the edges are rough and ripped. Giving the illusion that I’m looking under the skin. And around her ankle it says “You are not a waste of space.” I’m really pretty script writing.

“Woah…” Is all I manage to say. The tattoos I’ve seen on her are all so deep, and seem to mean a lot to her.

“Thanks.” She laughs, knowing my wow was a compliment.

“May I touch it??” I question.

“Yeah go for it if you must.”

I run my fingertips over it and it feels just like skin should. It boggles my mind that she is literally a piece of art.

“Thanks, sorry I’m weird. I just didn’t know what they felt like. It confuses me that they don’t feel like anything.” I explain, so maybe she won’t think I am _that_ strange.

“No worries. I don’t usually like it when people touch me, but you asked so nicely, and I now you won’t cause me harm so I’m okay with it. No offense, but you seem very…very uh…very sheltered.” She states. I think for a second.

The time to tell her I’m Amish came sooner than I wanted it to. But she opened the window for me to tell her I may as well just say it. I just don’t know her well enough to predict what she is going to say and that makes me nervous.

“The explanation would be that I’m Amish. There’s no offense taken, I’m not familiar with many thing in Ton- in DC” I stutter out my answer nervously. My hands get all cold and sweaty.

“Oh, that actually explains quite a bit. That also means you didn’t have light pollution, which means you’re used to seeing loads of stars in the sky every night right!?!” She exclaims, her whole face lighting up with happiness.

“Yeah I suppose.” I smile. “They never held much significance for me though, so I’ve never spent much time looking at them.” I get up to get the food out of the oven.

The food is plated and I give Clarke hers first, then mine. I realized I’ve made enough for a family of…well eleven. I put covers on everything to keep it warm.

“What!?! That simply won’t do! When are you free next??” Clarke boomed.

“Really whenever you are, I just have errands to run and stuff. Nothing to important.”

“Hmmm, so I’m off on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Sundays. How’s Wednesday for you??” She asks

“Wednesday is great Clarke. What time should I come to you?”

“Be ready by noon. I’ll pick you up okay??”

“Okay” Is all I say, it seems she won’t tell me where we are going which is okay. I like surprises.

We eat dinner quietly except for Clarke’s “MMMMMM” and “Oh god, I’m in literal heaven” and “Kill me now while I am content with life!” And my favorite. “FUCK Lexa this is so fucking good. Can you cook for me forever please??? MMM fuck” Along with my uncontrollable giggles because I have never seen someone react to food that way.

By the time we are finished eating my eyes are puffy from laughing so hard I was crying. Clarke’s cheeks are flush and she smile is making my skin feel warm from the inside out. I wash dishes and try to turn Clarke down as she insists to help. We come to a compromise, I wash, she dries, because she is very stubborn.

I’ve never felt more like I fit in than I do right now. Laughing and playing around with Clarke. It’s our first time spending time with each other and I feel like I have known her forever. It’s such an unfamiliar feeling, one that I don’t think I’ll ever get used to. But it’s such a good feeling I wouldn’t care if I never stopped feeling it. I didn’t know it would take something as simple as a human, just like me, made of the same stuff—though I am not entirely convinced Clarke and I really are made of the same stuff. Something is different that I cannot yet pinpoint—someone like Clarke to make me feel this happy.

“What’s your favorite color??” Clarke asks.

I reply promptly “Hmmm I’d say blues and purples. How about you??”

“I like lots of colors, I’m an artist. I can’t pick just a couple of colors.” She smirks.

“What time does your family usually eat dinner?? 6:00 is kind of an early dinner for me but I don’t know…”

“Around 8:00p.m. Whenever my mom gets home really.” She sighs. “Why??”

“Because I made too much food and I cannot eat all of it myself. So, I was thinking I could bring leftovers home with you, whenever you want to go home.” I explain.

“Oh, yeah. That’s fine. My mother will love you for that.” Clarke smiles. I nod, glad I found a home for so much food.

I wonder why that will make Clarke’s mother love me. Moms usually like me, my friend’s mothers have always thought I was pleasant to have around, but never because I brought them loads of food.

I sit next to Clarke on the couch again and we sit for a couple minutes in comfortable silence, digesting our food. “Uh god. That food was so good Lex.” Clarke groans out of nowhere.

“Well I’m glad you enjoyed it.” I laugh.

“I fucking loved it! Make me food again, pleassseeeeeeee” She begs. Leaning her head on my shoulder. My immediate response is to rest my head on top of hers and run my hand through her hair. Once I realized I did It I pull away just as quickly as I put it there. She lifts her head and sits back up.

“I’ll make you food whenever you want, Clarke.”

“I just fucking scored!!” She said, raising her fist in the air. I giggle at her exclamations and stand up, only to plop back down with my feet tucked under me.

“Your hair is really wild.” Clarke starts brushing the ends of my hair that landed on her shoulder-off. I hadn’t even realized that we were sitting so close…

“I know, I don’t have it out and down very often. It’s very big.”

“Yeah its big. It’s gotta be hot. Can I touch it??” She asks, which is everyone’s reaction when they see my hair, though I never usually say yes.

“Sure.” I tilt my head down towards her and she gently runs her fingers through my tangled curls. Which sends little shivers up and down my spine. I use everything in me trying to ignore the chills but as she keeps brushing her fingers through my hair, pulling it up and letting it flop back down, she shudders and chills continue until she stops. _It’s not even cols. I shouldn’t be shivering. These shivers are distracting… I remember one time Anya told me she got shivers with her first kiss, but I’m not kissing anyone… and besides, I don’t want to kiss Clarke. She’s a girl. She can’t be the cause of the shudders. I’m probably just over reacting, it’s what I’m good at._

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not beta'd all mistakes are mine.   
> This is the last chapter that I had to move.   
> So now I'll have to write more chapters. I wont be updating two chapters every day anymore. I'll see what I can do about one a week. I do tend to write really quickly when I like what i'm writing so maybe more in a week depending on my schedule. 
> 
> I really appreciate the comments I've received so far, they make me smile. So thank you.   
> This is one of my favorite chapters that I wrote, so I hope you like it too.

It’s been two weeks since I moved into the English world. I got a job at a second hand book store that I love very much. I am trying to fill my book shelf at home; Clarke and I have only begun to grow closer and she even brought over her favorite movie series and we had a marathon. I was very impressed with the Harry Potter series. It truly boggled my mind how they made everything work like it was actually magic.  On Wednesday, she took me to a place called the planetarium. It was beautiful. The stars were wonderful, but I liked Clarke’s happiness better. She would smile and point up to the constellations. Telling me what they are called and a fact about them. It was really a fun experience.

Since I told my mother I’d write her, that’s what I’m doing.

_Dear Nomon,_

_I am liking the English would. It still doesn’t compare to home. I miss all of you with such intensity. I’d like you to know that I have a best friend. Her name is Clarke. Her and her mother look out for me. They even set me up with a telephone for my safety in the city. I’ve got a job at a book store and I read every day before bed. Clarke has introduced me to so many cool movies and different types of music. I met her at a friend gathering and she made sure I got home safe at night. I met a bunch of her friends that night too. They are also very nice, and think of me as their friend too. Emori came with me to the gathering and she too made a friend who got her home safe that night. Clarke and I spend lots of time together, and when we aren’t together she messages me through the telephone a lot. She also brings me presents from her job. (She works at a candle shop!!) The candles they have here are for smell and less for light. But Nomon, they smell sooo gooood._

_Tell everyone I said hi, that I miss them and think about them all the time. Yell at Anya for not saying goodbye, I am actually hurt by that. Tell Aden I am making sure that he’s keeping my bed warm; tell him that I miss playing in farm with him on water breaks. I’ll see you guys before you know it!!—Snacha [Raccoon.]_

_Mebi oso na hit choda op nodoteim. Ai hod yu in. [May we meet again. I love you]_

_P.s. The card is for Aden._

I fold up the paper and tuck it into the envelop with a card that has a little dancing creature on it singing a happy birthday song because it will be his birthday in just a couple weeks.

After work today I will be going to dinner at Clarke’s house. I’m nervous even though I’ve met her mother and Raven a couple times now. Clarke has told me how dysfunctional her family is and how her mother speaks to her at dinner isn’t always the best. So, that could be why I am nervous. I am afraid things will go awry.

////

_Clarke: I’m coming to get you. See you in a bit Lexa! xx_

She uses the phones messaging system a lot. It’s called ‘Texting’ and she does it very quickly. She had explained to me that the X’s and O’s she uses signifies hugs and kisses. Sometimes she only uses the X’s.

                                                                          _Me: Okay, not quite ready yet, let yourself in. I’ll be getting out of the shower when you get here._

_Clarke: Okay will do! Take your time. xx_

I close the phone and head into the shower.

While washing the soap out of my hair I can hear Clarke walking through the front door. She announces that it’s her so I don’t get nervous. She walks into my room and flops on my bed. I can’t help but laugh at her exasperated “UGH” Once her body hits the bed.

“Hey Clarke, can I ask a question?” I ask coming into my room with a towel around my body.

“You just did but you can ask another.” She jokes.

“Have you ever been with someone…like _been_ with them”

Clarke sits up, tilting her head in mild confusion before answering.

“I have yes. Why?”

“I’m just curious. I’ve never been with anyone. I never even kissed anyone before.” I admit. I feel my throat dry up and it feels like my tongue is wearing lots of tiny sweaters.

“Oh, okay. That’s cool too. Can I ask why??”

“Well, as dating isn’t frowned upon. Having many short relationships is frowned upon. Dating is trial for marriage. That’s it. I am Old order Amish so my parents really very strict. Bed-courtship is definitely frowned upon before marriage. When on Rumspringa it’s usually not even okay for us girls to get out of our dresses and kapps. I just decided to. If I were to have sex, at such a young age, with someone I wouldn’t be marrying. I’d be seen as damaged goods.” I explain. Feeling like I’m droning on but Clarke seems to be listening. “But aside from what my rules are, I haven’t found any boys worth my time. I mostly hang around the girls when we go to sell goods at the market. The boys are very dominant. We have to listen to our male family members; especially elders without question, I don’t really like that about our culture, but it’s my life. So, I’m good with it.”

“That’s different. I mean, I could have guessed about the sex, and how strict everything is. I don’t know much about your culture but it definitely seems hard. I’d be a terrible child. Breaking all the rules and then some.

“Nah, I don’t think so. Not when it’s what you’re used to since birth.” I laugh.

“Maybe.”

////

Upon arriving at Clarke’s house, not far down the road from Octavia’s. I admire the garden, it seems someone has planted new flowers and different plants, along with some vegetables.

“Hello ma! Smells good! Lexa’s here, where’s raven??” Clarke says all in one go, not giving her mother a chance to reply.

“Hello Clarke, I’m making dinner. She’s not home yet. She will be in like ten minutes though!” Abby calls out.

“Okay, we’re going to the basement!” Clarke yells, pulling my hand towards the basement steps.

We sit together on the couch in the basement and she starts up a video game.

“Here you sit here, I’ll sit behind you, and put my hand over yours we will play together.” Clarke offers.

I sit on the cushion on the floor that she put out for me. Clarke sits directly behind me. She wraps her legs around my waist resting her feet in my lap.

“I didn’t think this through…you have so much hair” she mumbles, clearly having a face full of my hair. I pull it to one side, and she rests her chin on my shoulder.

Clarke puts her arms around me placing my hand on the controller and her hands over mind, she starts the game. It’s called call of…something. Call of duty! I think. She plays it so effortlessly. I’m not even paying attention to the fingers part just the graphics on the screen.

Every time something goes wrong she groans or yells no while moving her fingers along the controller rapidly.

We spend an hour in the same position, playing video games until Clarke’s mother calls us up for dinner.

“CLARKE, LEXA. DINNER IS READY. RAVEN HAS BEEN HOME. SHE’S HUNGRY TOO.” Abby calls down.

We stand up and Clarke stomps up the stairs, sounding much like a heard of wild animals using the steps for the first time.

“How are you girls?” Abby asks us all.

“Good” “Great!” “Meh Okay” We all mumble simultaneously.

“How were the video games?” Raven asks.

“Good” Clarke says while shoveling food into her mouth.

“Great! I’ve never played them before. It was fun.”

“You’ve never played video games before??” Clarkes mother asks, tilting her head like a confused puppy.

“Nope, never. I’m Amish.” Lexa sighs.

Abby raises her eyebrows and immediately changes the subject. “So how was everyone’s week?”

“Good, getting to know this one has been great!” Clarke exclaimed, elbowing me in my side lightly.

“Yeah, she seems really interesting. Quite nice.” Raven smiles.

“Not as interesting as Clarke though. She’s by far the most interesting person I’ve met.” Lexa adds.

“That was a very cute thing to say, Lexa.”

“Yes, that was very sweet of you Lexa. You seem to elevate my daughter. I have not seen her this happy in a very long time. I haven’t seen her leave her room much aside from having to work and go to school. She has had herself in solitary confinement for years.” Abby says, taking a few bites of her food.

“Clarke elevates herself Ma’am. She’s strong. She could conquer anything If she wanted to.” I state.

“Oh??”

“Never heard anyone say that about Clarke. Aside from myself and the rest of the gang. Never one of her crushes though.” Raven continues, looking at Clarke with a wicked smirk.

“Crushes??” I ask.

“Nothing. That was nice of you Lexa. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. But I’m not sure I understand what Raven means about people not saying stuff about you. But it seems we are making you upset so I won’t question any further.” I say, noticing Clarke reddened cheeks and angry glare towards Raven. “How was work Ms. Griffin?” I change the subject.

“It was fine thank you. I saw this one kid, he has inoperable brain cancer. He is just so cute, and so strong. I just feel so bad for his mothe---“

“Mother stop. This is not a dinner conversation. We have a guest. I know you love to get under my skin but the skin you are under is already burnt away from years of this talk, and it hurts, it stings! I suggest you stop!” Clarke warns. I drop my hand from my fork and places it on Clarke thigh, trying to calm her down.

“Calm down Clarke. It’s okay. I asked and I’m sorry.” I whisper, feeling guilty for asking. I didn’t know what would happen.

Clarke’s face is red out of anger or embarrassment, maybe a bit of both. She ends up pushing her plate away from her and watches Abby continue to eat dinner like nothing ever happened.

“I’m sorry you guys. I’m sorry about tonight. I’m going to shower, I might be back down but…I’m sorry this didn’t go as planned.” Clarke says super fast, trying not to let her voice crack in front of Lexa.

She takes her plate to the kitchen and runs upstairs.

Raven starts to push herself up from the table, but I stand up before she can. “May I? May I be excused from the table?”

Raven looks up to the ceiling as we can hear the shower being turned on.

“Yeah sure.” Abby says, and Raven nods. With that I head up the stairs.

“Hey Lexa!” Raven Calls, catching me half way up the steps. I look back at Raven. “Be careful with her. She’s my light, My life. I’ll blow you up if you hurt her.” She growls, I can hear Abby scold her for her words, but I nod, and just walk towards the door I hear the shower from.

I knock on the door, waiting for Clarke to answer before entering. “Go away Raven!!” Clarke calls.

“It’s not Raven. It’s Lexa. May I come in??” I ask.

“S-sure.” She stutters.

I open the door and sit on the toilet seat cover. Listening to Clarke sob for five minutes is more than I could take.

So, I reach in and shut the water off. Opening the shower curtain, I see Clarke sitting in a ball under the shower hose.  I grab a towel from the hook and hold it up to my chest, holding it up to me under my arms I reach out to help Clarke up off the floor.

She doesn’t even try to cover herself at this point at I don’t care. I advert my eyes to the ceiling until I feel her arms wrap around me. I wrap the towel around her and rub her shoulders to warm her up.

She hugs me tighter and her hair and body drips onto the tile floor, making my socks wet. Her hair sticks to my neck but right now I don’t care.

“Hear my heart beat? Focus on that.” I whisper in her ear.

She nods, tears still rushing down her face. I breathe a normal pace, hoping she catches onto it and copies my breathing. Once her breathing evens out and her crying slows down I pull her away from me.

“Look at me Clarke.” I whisper. Holding onto her shoulders. She lifts her gaze from the floor and looks at me. Her eyes a dark, dark blue and red lines her bottom eyelid.

“You cannot let this get to you. Ste Yuj.”

“what?” Clarke whines.

“Be Strong, Clarke.”

Clarke’s face gets really close to mine. I feel like I should back away but I got lost so far into her eyes that I couldn’t back up. Suddenly Clarke pulls back, resting her forehead on my shoulder. I lift her head with my hand, looking into her eyes. The feeling is indescribable. **Opia-** The ambiguous intensity of looking someone in the eye, which can feel simultaneously invasive and vulnerable. That’s the perfect description. But before long, she puts her head back on my shoulder.

“I think I am going to get dressed now, and start being embarrassed that you saw me naked now.” She pulls away and steps around me, walking to her room closing the door behind her.

I sit on the top step and wait for her to come back out.

When her door opens, she stands there only dressed in a large t-shirt, no pants.

“You don’t have to be embarrassed about me seeing you naked. I didn’t really look and besides it doesn’t matter. I’m a girl, it’s not like I haven’t seen anything you’ve got.” I smile. Clarke laughs, which makes me laugh. I’m glad it was that easy for me to make her smile.

“Thanks for tonight Lex. It means a lot that it was you who came up first and not Raven. Though I do love Raven, it’s just nice to know you care like she does too.” She pulls me into another hug, it doesn’t last quite as long as the other hug because Raven stomps her way up the stairs.

“Awwh You two are so gay I love it!” Raven squeals happily.

“No, I’m not gay. I just care. Just because I care, doesn’t mean I’m gay.”

“Woah, okay. Sorry.” Raven says, making an oopsie face.

“Do you guys want to have a sleepover at my house. Tonight was kind of thick with tension. We can start over at my place. If you’d like.”

“Yeah, I do. Let me bring clothes for tomorrow, and put some pants on.” Clarke laughs playfully pushing me out of her room.

“I’ll go downstairs with Raven. I’ll ask your mother.”

“Okay!” Clarke calls out from her room.

As we enter the living room Abby is sitting on the couch reading like nothing happened. _Does this happen a lot??_

“Uhm Excuse me ma’am. I was wondering if it was okay if I steal Clarke and Raven for the night. I’ll make sure they get to work and stuff. I just figured it would be fun.” I babble while Raven and Abby stare at me. Raven’s eyes go wide and she turns to Abby with a questioning smile.

“I don’t see why not.” Abby shrugs and Raven shrieks. She gets up and hugs me. _This family is so huggie I just…I can’t._

“Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!!” Raven yells over and over. “I haven’t ever been to a sleep over!” Raven runs as fast as she can up the stairs shrieking, the next thing you hear is her door slamming along with more screaming. I just laugh and stand awkwardly in the middle of the floor.

“You can sit down Lexa” Abby says.

“I’m okay. With all due respect. Can I ask if that was about Clarke’s father?” I ask.

“Yes, he died of brain cancer.” She simply scoffs.

“Again, with respect. Why on earth would you bring that up? Especially in front of Raven and I??”

“She never wants to talk about him, or cancer in general. I work in a hospital. That’s just the talk that happens around here.” She states.

“Sit her down, ask for her to tell you when she is ready to talk about her father. Talk about good memories, talk about his life. Don’t bring up the thing that killed him.” I argue.

“Why does this mean so much to you?? You don’t know him.” Abby growls. Frustrating me.

“Because Clarke means so much to me. Her feelings matter to me. I lost someone special to me too! And it’s slowly killing me more and more each day on the inside. And I know you know that feeling too. So, get over yourself and let that sink in. Try to realize how Clarke feels, she is hurting and you have to be gentle.” I correct my tone of voice before continuing. “I am sorry for the disrespect. I just don’t like not being able to help my friends. I’ve sat through many family dinners back home, that ended in yelling and I just sat there. Afraid of what the elders would say to my parents if I didn’t say anything. You don’t know my parents so I had to say something.”

After that Abby doesn’t reply. The next thing I hear is Raven Whispering “Okay. Go down Clarke, go, go, go.” And I smile with this weird feeling in my gut knowing they were eavesdropping.

“It was lovely having dinner with you, thank you Ms. Griffin.” I say before turning to Clarke and Raven. “You girls ready??”

“Been ready my whole life!” Raven beams and Clarke simply nods.

With that we walk out the door, all three of us. It takes a bit longer to get to my place than usual because we slow down a bit for Raven but really, it’s not bad. She pushes through not having a fully functional leg, she is so strong, and honestly amazing. I don’t know how I’d cope.

“So, what are we gonna do!?” Raven asks.

“I’ll make popcorn, we can watch some television and talk. I’ve never had a proper sleepover either so I don’t know what to do.”

“We can play a few silly games, like truth or dare, or spin the bottle. Like middle schoolers.” Raven suggests.

“No, not that.” Clarke says firmly.

“Why??” I ask.

“Because I don’t like those games.” Clarke states. Sending daggers to Raven via a glare.

Once we get into my apartment Clarke takes her pants off immediately.

I get to making popcorn, Raven and Clarke pull the blanket off my bed and bring it to the couch. I can hear the television turn on and the girls speaking lowly.

With the finished bowl of Popcorn, I settle under the blanket too, sitting next to Clarke. Eyes fixed on the television.

////

Once the Popcorn is over Clarke leans her head on my shoulder. I look over to see that she has fallen asleep, Raven looks over and whispers. “She really trusts you. I wasn’t kidding when I said I’d blow you up If you hurt her. How do you think my leg is done for??” She growls protectively. Like a mother bear over her cubs.

“You blew yourself up?” I question in shock and confusion.

“Yes, not on purpose. But it happened. And I can do it again.” She whispers.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't really like this chapter, but its really just kind of a filler.  
> I hope the next one will be better.  
> I hope you enjoy this better than I do though.

Waking both girls up for work was certainly more than a struggle. I have never known it would be that hard to wake someone up. The groaning and the whining of ‘No’ And both girls growling at me to leave them alone. I had to bribe them with breakfast and bacon for them to stop swatting at my face and actually sit up.

Once they are both sitting up, their hair sticking out in all directions and angry scowls plastered to their faces. I bring their breakfast to them and we eat in silence.

Usually all it takes to wake me and my siblings up-if we don’t arise on our own—is mother calling up to us, telling us it’s time to get up. That’s it. Really that’s it, then we have breakfast conversation and get to work. But Clarke and Raven were a whole other story that I clearly was not ready for.

“Did you sleep okay??” I ask.

“Mhmnmph.” Clarke grumbles, a mouth full of food. She’s barely keeping her eyes open right now.

////

Once both girls finished eating, they take a shower one after the other, and Clarke complaining that Raven didn’t leave her enough hot water. (I wasn’t even aware hot water could run out, although they do take the longest showers ever. Haven’t they heard of the seven minute shower rule?? Obviously not.)

After their showers, we leave the house. Stopping at ‘The Daily Grind’ (A coffee shop.) because Raven won’t stop dragging her feet and grumbling about how she wishes she had coffee. And really, I’d like to walk them both to work before walking myself to work. Without any of us being late.

Once the girls have a couple sips of coffee they’re like a whole new person. It’s definitely quite puzzling how that works.

“So, Lexa. About last night. I’m sorry that happened, but I’m really happy you let us sleep over. That was a lot of fun.” Clarke beamed.

“You guys are welcome to come over any time. I find it gets lonely all by myself. But I’d also like to apologize. To you, for getting upset towards your mother. But I’d also like to apologize to your mother. She has done a lot for me too, and I shouldn’t have been so disrespectful. I was raised to respect my elders and that was anything but respect.”

“I don’t want you to apologize Lexa. She needed to hear that from someone other than me. I heard what you said, about losing someone too. It’s nice to know someone understands.”

“Enough with this gross sappy shit so early in the morning.” Raven hissed.

“okay, okay.” Clarke laughs. “No need to apologize though Lexa. Seriously.”

“Alright guys this is me. See you whenever Lexa. And you later Clarke.” Raven waved, walking into an automobile shop.

Clarke’s work is just a few blocks down from Raven’s. We talk about when we could have another sleepover and we pick this Friday. I told her she could bring the others that was at that party too. So we could have a bigger sleepover. Once we get to her work, Clarke doesn’t enter right away like Raven did. She stops and turns to face me before pulling me into a tight hug. I hug her back just the same. “Thanks again for everything Lexa, it means a lot.” Clarke whispers, hear head rested on my shoulder.

“No problem.” I smile, pulling her off of me. If I didn’t, she might strangle me.

“I’ll text you later, or something.” Clarke said before opening the door to the candle shop she walks in.

I turn and walk to my work at the book store. Today I am shelving new books, and hopefully I’ll have someone to talk to while doing it because it gets boring to shelf alone.

////

“Fifty Shades of Grey?? That doesn’t make sense, I can think of maybe three or four different shades of grey but not fifty. Luna, does this make sense to you??” I ramble, holding up the book that I’m talking about.

“Oh, my sweet child. Yes, except the Grey this book is talking about is a person. A character, and it’s a poorly written book about BDSM and strange relationships and such. I don’t recommend that for you to read it.” Luna explains, walking over to the section I’m shelving. Pushing the book into the shelf trying to get me to stop holding it up.

“What is BDSM Luna??” I question.

“Dear, god. Would you stop saying that so loud, please?”

“What is BDSM Luna??” I whisper. Complying to her rule of not speaking loudly.

“Bondage Discipline Sadism Masochism. If you don’t know what that is, just look it up. Actually no! Do not do that. On break, read a bit from the middle of the book.” Luna mumbles, her cheeks turning a few shades darker than bubblegum pink.

“Okay…” I say, very obviously confused.

At break, I do what Luna suggested and read a passage in the middle of the book.

I am appalled at what I read. It’s just…I’ve never heard of anything like that and honestly it made me nervous for the character. I will not be reading any further you can count on that.

////

After work, I get home around 6:30p.m. and instead of going straight home I go to Emori’s Apartment. Wishing to see someone, anyone from back home.

I knock on her door three times before stepping back. (Three times is a decent amount of times. That’s always what we were taught when knocking on neighbor’s doors. Its polite.)

“Lexa! Hey.” Emori says, opening the door for me.

“Heya, Ha yu??”

“Mmmm No foto. Mounin.” [Mmmm Not bad. Welcome.] She steps aside letting me inside.

“Mochof. How’ve you been?? Make any friends?” I ask.

“Yeah, I have.  Want some tea??”

“Yes please.”

She motions for me to sit on the couch and I do. Minutes later she comes back with tea. I noticed she’s decorated her walls more than I have. She has made her space home, it smells like bread. Like back home. Maybe I should do that too. Make dough for the week and bake every morning. Maybe it’ll make me a little less homesick.

“Thank you. So, tell me about your new friends.”

“Well, Murphy is one of them. He took me home the night of the party. He’s really nice. He’s kind of strange, it seems he has had a hard life time. I really like him though, he’s cute and gentle. Also, my neighbor is Harper, she is really sweet too. Her and her mother invite me over for dinner on Sundays.”

“That’s nice. I’m glad you got home safe after the party. I got sick from the alcohol. Clarke brought me home. We hung out a couple other times after the party. She took me to the planetarium and taught me about the stars. She is so nice and so smart. She has helped a lot in terms of showing me around the city and stuff. Her friend Raven is really sweet too. They slept over at my place last night. Her mother had invited me for dinner, she had upset Clarke. Oh, god I was so rude Emori, so rude. I feel so bad.”

“You!? Rude!? I don’t believe you, what could you have possibly said to be rude?” Emori exclaims.

“Something along the lines of get your head out of your ass and think about Clarke before you think about yourself… in kind of a nicer way then that. But still, I was rude.”

“Whoa, what made you so upset?”

“The way she upset Clarke. It wasn’t fair.”

“Are you going to apologize?”

“I want to, but Clarke told me not to. She thinks her mother deserved what I had said. That maybe it’ll make her think next time.” I sigh. Remembering the look on Abby’s face when I spoke my mind instead of staying hushed. I feel so immensely terrible.

“Then don’t feel bad. If she deserved it then don’t worry about it. Our parents aren’t around. Do what you feel is authentically you. Nontu isn’t here to tell you, you are an embarrassment to the family you’re fine Lexa.” Emori shrugged, not nearly as worried as I am. She wasn’t there though. She would be worried if she said what I did, right??”

“How do I know what is authentically me if all I’ve ever known is my family’s teachings??” I question.

“Go to parties, Lexa. Do everything we were unable to do at home. Drink, smoke, do drugs if you gotta. Make out with people, anyone and everyone. Girls, and boys alike. Let go of our teachings for now, and if, if by the end of this you still don’t like what you’ve been doing for the last two years or so, go back. Be with your family and be authentically you. The point of this is to find out if you like life here. Not to sit here and pine for life back home. Figure out who you are Lexa. Forget about rules and just live. This is our only chance at freedom before going back home. Make the most of it.”

“You’re right…I know you are but it feels wrong. And I am not kissing anyone, Emori. No one. I’m not going to do any drugs either, do you know how bad that is for you?!?”

“Yes, but it’s fun and besides it’s not like you’ll do them forever. Just try shit out. Like not hard stuff, but weed or something.” Emori shrugged, speaking like it’s no big deal to do drugs. When I guess, it wouldn’t be that big of a deal if our parents didn’t find out, but kissing people would be taking it way too far for me. I’m too shy, to anxious, and I don’t want to give anyone the wrong idea. I do plan to go back home. To my brothers, and my mother.

“I plan to go back home though E.” I gulped, suddenly anxious about the thought of not wanting to go home. Anxious from the thought of going home and not seeing Clarke again. Or not being able to keep in contact. Just anxious all the way around.

“Don’t plan on anything until the end of Rumspringa. Figure yourself out before you make your final decision. Don’t leave because you hear your parents voice in the back of your head telling you to come back. Go back if you want to. If that’s the life you want. Make sense? Think about yourself for once, your selfless ass.” Emori laughs.

“Thanks, you’re a good advice giver. You like it a lot here huh?”

“I like it here. I do miss home, but I’ve decided to do Rumspringa properly. Be an English teenager for once. Ontari told me to stop trying to impress mom and dad, because they’re not here to see it anyways so what’s the point. She’s right. They know what Rumspringa is like, they had one too.” Emori smiled. I smile too, the thought of my parents on Rumspringa is kind of funny. I never thought of them like that. As teenagers. Doing English teenager things. What a strange thought.

“Good now that I have you smiling. Tell me more about this Clarke chick.” Emori laughed.

“She is fun, and funny. She brings me candles from her work. She works at a candle shop. She likes hugs. Oh! And she has the most wonderful tattoos. Of outer space, and planets. She draws, and paints. She’s so talented. I wish I could do half the stuff she can do.” I sigh.

“You can, you can learn to do something that interests you in two years. Find something that interests you, and learn it. “

“Yeah…You’re right. I can learn something. I could have a talent I don’t know about, right??”

“Exactly. Now go home Lexa. Make dinner, go to sleep. Don’t be Snacha. Be Lexa. English Lexa. Got it?”

“Yeah. I got it.”

I get up and take the stairs up to my apartment. I munch on some snacks in bed and read until my eyes hurt. I take my glasses off before texting Clarke.

_Me: Goodnight Clarke. See you friday, Have a good week._

_Clarke: Goodnight Lexi, You too. Have a good week._ _J_

I shut my eyes and think of all things I could do, find a talent. Go to different parties, have fun. Don’t just survive. Don’t just do what my parents want me to and don’t focus on home. Focus on myself, and being happy here, with the time I have with my new friends. That sounds like a good plan.

////

Upon waking up this morning I realize it’s kind of dark outside and I get nervous that I woke up too early and won’t be able stay awake for work. I look at the clock and it says 8:00a.m. which, means I’m late for work. Which makes me anxious for a whole different reason. I look outside and it’s pouring rain. Making large puddles in the streets and I hear sirens in the distance.

I call into work just this once, because I’m late anyways. Then I call Clarke.

“Hey, Lexa. What’s up??” She answers the phone. She sounds like she had just been sleeping too.

“Nothing, I called out of work today. I woke up too late. I was wondering if you and the rest of your friends are still coming over for our sleep over tonight??” I ask.

“Of course!! Everyone is still coming! What time is good??” She questions.

“Uhm. How about 7:00. We can have dinner, watch movies, play stupid games. I don’t know whatever. Does that sound good??”

“Yes, that sounds great. I still have work so I will be over at 7:00p.m. with everyone.”

“Good, okay. I’ll see you then.” I smile. Excited for the sleepover, and getting to spend time with everyone more. Gaining more friends.  

//

I spend the day cleaning up around the house, making it presentable for guests. I go down to the lobby to collect my mail. I smile, seeing a letter from my mother.

When I get back up to the apartment, I open the mail I got from mom.

_Dear Snacha,_

_I am happy to hear that you’ve made friends in the city. I am glad that you are safe and that you’re having a good time on your Rumspringa. Nothing will help me worry Less about you though snacha._

_Aden misses you. He still does not understand the purpose of Rumspringa and looks for you out of your bedroom window every day before dinner. He lays in your bed for an hour each night. Keeping it warm like you told him too. Anya apologizes for not seeing you off. She regrets it. we all miss you Snacha._

_Please stay safe little one. Ai hod yu in. Stay safe. Think with your head._

_Love, your family._

I hang her letter up on a cork board I have above my desk.

Her reminder to think with my head has always been something she’s told me. Think with my head before my heart. I’ve always cared for people, causing me to use my heart before my head, and mother doesn’t like when I do that. So, she always reminds me to think with my head. (I try, though sometimes it’s impossible.)

It makes me smile to know that Aden really does keep my bed warm for me, just as much as it saddens me that he doesn’t understand how long it will be before I come home. I hope maybe our eldest brother gustus will explain to him the length of Rumspringa. I don’t know how to reply to this letter, so I’ll think on it a bit before writing another.

I also don’t really believe that Anya regrets not saying goodbye. She wouldn’t have done it if she knew she would regret it. She has always been bad at showing emotion. She didn’t want to see me go, and I understand that. She just wanted it to be easy for both of us. I don’t think she understands that it hurt more that she didn’t say goodbye but I’ll get over it. I’ll always forgive her. She’s family.

I make the bed and make sure everything is checked off of my to-do list before I figure out what I’m going to make for dinner.

I can hear whoever lives above me moving furniture or something on wheels across the floor, it makes a loud machine hum and It’s quite annoying. So, I just turn the television on to drown out the sound.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please tell me if there is anything I can do to better this story.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was longer than expected.   
> But I'm happy with it.   
> The song I used is Past lives by Kesha. Putting Credit where it's due, it feels like that song was written for Clexa it's so perfect.   
> This isn't Beta'd all mistakes are mine.

I hear Clarke’s pattern as she knocks on the door. She always knocks in the same pattern, I know it’s her.

I open the door and I see that she has brought the party with her. Everyone I met from Bellamy’s party is here, except for Bellamy himself. Octavia, Raven, Maya, Monty, Miller, and Wells. Everyone.

“I brought the divergent series.” Maya says holding up three movie cases.

“Let me guess… And Clarke has brought the Harry Potter series??” I joke.

Clarke digs around her back and pulls out all of the Harry Potter movies and smirks. “You know me all too well Lexa.”

“Already??” Raven questions. Knowing we have only been friends for a couple of weeks, it really isn’t that long for us to know each other but she’s easy to get to know.

“She’s said she’s an open book.” I shrug.

“I think I am. Unless emotions are involved. I don’t like emotions, all though they do get the best of me sometimes.”

“Shut It Clarke. You are the most emotional son of a bitch I now.” Wells teases, and Clarke playfully but painfully punches his shoulder.

Everyone wanders around, finding a spot to sit. Clarke has a giant oddly shaped box that she sets on the floor next to the couch.

“What’s in there??”  I question, pointing to said box.

“My guitar, I thought maybe we could play around with it a little.” She says, getting quieter as her sentence continues. Her cheeks flush pink now that everyone is quiet and looking at her.

“Yeah! I’d love to hear. Please!” I beg.

“Right now??” She hesitates.

“Come on Clarkey, play for commander heart eyes. Bless us with your husky voice and fantastic fingering skills.” Octavia says, adding a wink. Getting Clarke to blush hard at her sentence.

“Eww” Miller giggles in response to Octavia’s comment.

Commander heart eyes?? Was she referring to me? Why am I always commander? What does that even mean, heart eyes?? Pffft Heart eyes. Judging by her reaction, Fantastic fingering skills has a double meaning, doesn’t it? I wish I was in on the inside joke… everyone else gets it but me.

“Ugh fineeee.” Clarke whines. She gets up from the couch and grabs the guitar out of the case, and sits back down on the couch right next to me.

I settle in my seat, tucking my knees under my chin. I wrap my arms around my legs. Trying to contain my excitement to hear and instrument. She starts playing it, her fingers moving along holding certain strings down. Her other hand has a little plastic bit in it that she drags along the string in front of the hole in the body of the instrument.

I listen carefully to the sound it’s making, it’s a nice sound. A calming one.

I take this time to look at Clarke. Like really look at her. Taking in everything. The way she wears mixed matched socks all the time, and how she keeps her back so straight when she’s playing. She only ever sits like that with this guitar in her hands. This is something that means something to her, she cares how it’s handled.  Her eyes wander around the room, she looks at everyone watching her. She looks at the ceiling, and starts playing a tune, one I’ve never heard before. She begins to sing, and Octavia was right. Her voice is deep, scratchy but lovely. It’s still lovely… like nothing I’ve ever heard before.

_We were lovers in a past life,_

_I can see it in your green eyes,_

_Maybe you were one of my wives,_

_In the long lost tribe_

_There’s just somethin’ ‘bout you I know,_

_It started centuries ago though,_

_You see your kiss is like a lost ghost,_

_Only I would know._

“So much for not doing emotions” Clarke mumbles out quickly before she continues. I look at everyone around me. They look all are looking at me, once they notice I’m looking at them, only then do they look back at Clarke.

_But I, I keep on falling for you,_

_Time after time, time after time._

_I’ll make you mine, time after,_

_Time after time._

_Seems millenniums ago, love,_

_We were nothing more than star dust,_

_Just the galaxy beneath us,_

_You found me_

Clarke looks at me, then at the floor, then at her fingers, her gaze constantly moving. She makes sure her fingers are in the right spots. I follow her gaze to her fingers, I notice the muscles in her forearms as she moves her fingers about the strings. She never once stops singing, despite her looking around and not really focusing on her playing. Like she’s done this many times before, the playing, and singing.

 

_Then we made it through the Ice age,_

_But I lost you in the crusades,_

_I built the pyramids for you, babe,_

_Just to see your face._

_But I, I keep on falling for you,_

_Time after time, time after time._

_I’ll make you mine, time after,_

_Time after time._

She plays the last little bit so quietly. Seeming to come back to reality her face turns a brighter shade of red, a shade that I didn’t know was possible for her alabaster skin to turn. She rests her forehead on the guitar, hiding her face.

“That was…that was really beautiful, Clarke.” I stutter. She lifts her head, smiling. She lays the guitar next to her on the couch. I also notice she is left handed, which is cool. Or at least she plays guitar left handed.

“Awwww, look at Commander Heart eyes swoon!!” Raven teases.

Swoon?? I’m not swooning.

“But seriously Clarke, that was really nice.” Raven exhales.

“What’s this?? Raven Reyes being serious!?” Clarke laughs, clutching her hand to her chest as her jaw drops. I can only laugh at her sarcasm. As does everyone else.

“I wasn’t aware you listened to this song Clarke.” Monty states. I don’t know why it was important for him to bring that up, but it made Clarke stutter.

“Thank you, although it’s just a cover. I-I uh… I really like that song…I just got to liking it actually.” Clarke mumbles.

“Huh, I wonder why…” Octavia muses.

“Shut it, O.”

“I like it too.” I add. “It was nice, though I’ve never heard the original. I like your version better.”

^^//^^

I can’t help but smile at Lexa’s reaction, and compliments. She loves music, I knew that. She is so cute when she thinks. I don’t think she realizes how often she gets stuck in her head, but when she does she fiddles with her fingers and her face shows more emotion than it usually does. She is usually really stoic, and sometimes she looks harsh, but also so soft, and she’s so god damn innocent. It’s truly endearing.

I look around at my friends. Their smiling faces, and Octavia’s snapping. (Her way of quiet clapping, like at poetry events that she goes to a lot.) For some reason, I don’t stop smiling. I realize, that this is the effect of happiness. A lasting glowy feeling, that won’t let you stop smiling. Real happiness, it’s a weird concept, but it feels so good. I don’t know if I should get used to it, because I don’t know how long it will last. But I hope that it lasts long enough to remember.

“Thanks guys” I whisper.

A plethora of “of course” and “you’re welcomes” come my way.

“So, quick change of subject so I don’t continue to turn red. Do we have any plans for what’s next??” I question.

“I made dinner, it’s in the oven staying warm. You guys hungry?” Lexa questions.

Everyone nods and mumbles their yes’.

Lexa gets up and goes to the kitchen, we all get up and follow her like ducklings.

I watch as Lexa moves fluidly around her kitchen. Everything in its place, she knows exactly where things are, and it’s set up so she doesn’t have to run circles around herself.

She slides plates across the counter towards us all. “Oh man, I really missed cooking for so many people. Also, little disclaimer, my fridge Is always open. If anyone gets hungry just take what you want. I’d like my home to feel like home to you too, to be comfortable here.”

“That is very thoughtful, thank you Lexa.” Monty says. He really loves food. He would raid anyone’s fridge if they gave him permission, and Lexa just did so… he will go through her fridge like he lives there.

We sit down to eat at the island counter. Lexa, stands and eats because there are only so many chairs. I tried to give her my seat, but she insisted she stands. That it’s not polite to have guests stand while they eat.

Most people have the same reaction I did while eating, there is a full chorus of moaning and groaning at how good her food is. Lexa smiles, and takes pride in her cooking. She should, it’s really delicious.

“Where’d you learn to cook??” Wells asks.

“My mother taught me.”

“Where is she, can she teach me??”

“I can teach you. She’s back home on the farm. I’m Amish, here for Rumspringa.” Lexa states, might as well let everyone know at once so she doesn’t have to keep mentioning it.

“That…That explains so much. Okay, yes teach me how to cook like this and I will seriously love you forever.”

Lexa looks at wells with confusion in her eyes, and the small tilt of her head. Like a confused husky. They look fierce, until they’re confused.

“What is with everyone and loving me because I have food??” Lexa questions.

“What can I say, we love food.” Octavia chimes in. “And this…this is worth paying for.”

“Go to Amish markets then. We make most of our money selling our goods at the markets. You get good food, we get to live off the money you spend. It’s a win win.” She smiles.

“Bravo on the shameless promo, great plug too.” Monty states, giving her a literal round of applause by clapping in a circle.

“It’s like you just spoke to me in another language. I did not understand any of what you just told me.”

“It’s okay Lex. He just liked your advertisement for the market is all.” I reassure her.

“Oh, thanks.” She smiles, turning on her heels to place her plate in the sink, along with a few other people’s plates.

Lexa does the dishes and cleans off the counter we all ate on before returning to the couch to sit with us.

“Lexa, wanna play stupid high school party games?? I brought alcohol.” Monty calls out.

“Sure, I don’t know any of them so you’ll have to explain.”

“Okay, first blindly chose which one you want to play, then I’ll explain how it goes.”

“Alright.” She shrugs.

“Two truths and a lie, never have I ever, spin the bottle, baby do you love me, truth or dare but I wouldn’t pick that one because Clarke and Octavia are really bad at picking dares. Too hot.”

“Not never have I ever either because no offense but Lexa hasn’t done anything...” Raven interjected.

“Okay so you have to pick from, two truths and a lie, Spin the bottle, Baby do you love me, and too hot. Which one??”

“Uhm…I guess I’ll pick baby do you love me, first.”

“Okay, so the way that works is you sit in a circle, is it okay if we move the coffee table?”

“Sure.”

“Alright, so we sit in a circle on the floor, and you pick someone to be ‘it’ the person who is ‘it’ sits in the middle of the circle and sits on everyone’s lap, one at a time of course. Then you say to the person whom you’re sitting upon, “Baby, if you love me smile.” And the person you’re sitting on has to say “Baby, I love, but I just can’t smile.” without smiling. If they smile, they have to take a shot, and take your place in the middle. Make sense??”

“Yes, who goes first??” Lexa inquired.

“It’s only right if you go first.” Raven says with a wicked grin.

“Okay… that’s fine.”

Monty, Miller, and Raven move the coffee table between us, and everyone shifts to the floor. Maneuvering our order so we fit in a circle.

Lexa steps over me and kneels in the middle of the circle.

“So…Just pick anyone to sit on first?” She questions.

“Yup” Octavia quips.

She walks on her knees towards me first. I kind of knew that would happen, she knows me better than anyone else here.  Sitting her tiny frame in my lap I put my arms around her. She looks me in the eyes and says “Baby, if you love me, smile.” With that it’s already hard to keep from smiling. I know from this moment on, I am going to have a couple drinks in me by the end of this game.

“Baby, I love…you, but I just can’t…oh god. I just can’t smiiiilllee” I smiled, darn it!

“I knew she’d lose. Here is your shot Clarke” Monty laughs, passing a shot glass sized red solo cup down the circle until it gets to me. I down it in one go, scrunching up my face at how strong Monty’s alcohol.

“Gross okay, switch seats with me Lexa.” she stands, letting me stand and she sits in my seat.

I go for Raven next. Sitting on her lap I put my arms around her neck and say the sentence.

“Baby, I love you but I just can’t smile.” Raven deadpans. Not smiling. “Gosh, I’d hate to play poker with you.”

I move to Octavia, she doesn’t smile either. I make my way down the line until I get to wells, who is right next to Lexa, meaning I made it around the circle.

Wells smiles, he takes his shot and begins his go around the circle.

Once he makes it all the way through, Raven just wants to play spin the bottle. She is too good at this game for her to find it amusing. It is a middle school game though, so I guess I shouldn’t be as amused by it as I am.

“How do you play that??” Lexa asks.

“We spin a bottle in the middle of our circle, and whoever the cap of the bottle points to, the person who spun the bottle has to kiss them. Like full on, with tongue, kisses. Oh, and if you say pass you have to drink.” Maya Explains.

“Oh…Alright. I’ve never kissed anyone before though. My friend told me I should though…just to defy my parents.” Lexa explains.

“That’s okay. Go with your gut. If you’re uncomfortable, let us know, and we’ll just put a movie in okay??” I tell her. She nods “Who spins first?”

“I will” I volunteer.

I grab my glass water bottle off the couch and down the rest of the water in there.

I spin it in the middle of our circle and we wait till it stops.

“Alright Raven. You’re up!” I announce.

“Nothin I haven’t kissed before. Come here.” Raven states, waving her hands, motioning me to come to her.

I straddle her lap, resting my hand on her jawline. She closes the distance, eager to get this over with. I can hear the giggles and ‘ooos’ from everyone behind me. I try to ignore them for a few seconds longer before pulling away. “If we play this too long, we’re all gonna have pash rash.” I joke.

“Pash rash…”

“Red lips and chin from the rubbing of faces.” Octavia explains.

“oh.”

Raven spins next. Landing on wells. They go in for a painless, emotionless kiss just like the previous one between me and raven. Lexa’s face reddens, and she looks away. Not wanting to watch, unlike everyone else who voices their amusement.

Next its Wells’ spin. He lands on Lexa. Lexa’s eyes go wide and It looks like her heart stops.

“Again, if you’re uncomfortable say something Lexa. You’re not being forced.” I emphasized.

“I’m okay.” Lexa whispers.

She gets up on her knees and scoots over to Wells. My heart beats faster as she gets closer…ohhh I do not want this to happen right now.

“I-I…uh-I don’t know what to do…” Lexa stutters. Her hands are shaking by her sides, she’s clearly nervous.

“Remember how Clarke sat on raven? And how raven sat on me? Sit like that.” Wells speaks up.

Lexa nods and follows his instructions. She straddles him, pulling her masses of hair to one side. Wells rests his overly large hands on her perfect jawline. I look to my lap fiddling with my thumbs not really wanting to watch.

“Someone’s jealous.” Raven whispers in my ear.

“Am not.” I growl, I lift my head up and watch so, hopefully no one else thinks I’m jealous.

When I lift my head, wells’ is kissing her. There is an odd burning sensation in my chest and the muscles in my stomach harden. There’s pain in my jaw from clenching my teeth which I didn’t even realize I was doing until it hurt.

I look back down to my lap, continuing to find amusement in fiddling with my fingers rather than watching my friend kiss my other friend.

My face is hot and I have no doubt that it’s turned red.

“The sullen look on your face describes otherwise.” Raven points out.

Lexa hops off of Wells and presses her tongue between her lips. “How was that?” She asks. Insecure about the job she did.

“Perfectly fine.” He shrugs. “Not bad for a newbie. How was it for you? You okay?”

“I’m fine, it was strange. I understand the pash rash thing though. My lips feel funny.” She states, bringing a hand up to her mouth feeling her lips.

“Good, So, it’s your turn to spin now.”

Lexa grabs the bottle and sits back in her spot.

Spinning it I have hope in me that it lands on me…it doesn’t. It lands right next to me. Raven.

Raven gets up and blows on the bottle making it turn to me. “Some uh…some wind came…it landed on Clarke.” Raven smiles.

“I uh…no. I can’t. N-not either of you. I can’t k-kiss a girl.” Lexa stutters. An almost pained expression crosses her face.

I just shrug, accepting her boundaries. “That’s fine. Maya will just put in the divergent series is that okay??”

“Mhmm.” She nods, rubbing her face with her hands, pulling at the collar of her shirt. Very obviously uncomfortable.

“Come make popcorn with me.” I state, trying to pull her out of the center of attention. She gets up with uncertain steps and walks herself to the kitchen not waiting up for me.

When I walk in there she is downing a tall glass of water. She then turns to the stove pouring in popcorn kernels. I’ve never seen popcorn being made on the stove before.

“Are you okay?” I ask, keeping my voice low so no one else but her can hear me. I lean against the doorway of the kitchen, my arms crossed over my chest.

“Yeah, I’m fine. Just…it’s just. Nothing. I’m okay. But I can’t kiss girls.” She states again.

“That’s fine, no one is making you. It’s just a game. Though Lexa, nothing is wrong with kissing girls. I’m just putting that out there. Some girls like kissing girls, some like kissing girls and guys, some don’t like kissing at all. Same with boys, some boys like kissing boys. Take Monty for example. He’s gay, his boyfriend is miller who is also gay. He’s just like you and me, except he likes kissing boys. There is nothing wrong with that.” I explain.

“I’ve always been taught…taught that, that everything is wrong with that. I can’t just abandon my faith.”

“I completely understand that. Take your time. But I still want you to know if that’s what you like, then that’s fine. You won’t receive judgement within this group of people. Okay??”

“Alright. But...that’s not what I like.”

“Okay, and that’s cool too. I’ve never seen anyone make popcorn like that.” I change the subject.

^^//^^

I look at Clarke with confusion. “How else would you make popcorn??” I ask.

“Well most times it comes in a bag that you put in the microwave. But sometimes you can put it in a machine, or it comes in an enclosed thing that looks like a frying pan and you put it over the stove and let it pop. But never in a pot like that.

“Oh strange. I’ve only ever known to pop corn on the stove. Pour in kernels, pour oil in over it. cover, let it all pop, pour it in the bowl.” She lists the steps off. When the popcorn begins popping she presses a finger to the cover.

I realize why in a second, when the popcorn gets so big it would lift the cover off the pot.

She lowers the heat and lets the last few pops pop.  Then she turns it off, pouring the popcorn in the big blue bowl she has for it. “No kernels left! Awesome!”

“There’s not supposed to be kernels left, Clarke.”

“Oh, I know, but in the bags for the microwave lots of kernels are left.”

“Ahhh, well, I make the best popcorn. My little brother Aden says so, he’s really picky about his popcorn he won’t let anyone else make his popcorn. Oh no! That means he won’t have popcorn till I get back.”

“Don’t worry, I’m sure he’ll be fine without it for a little. Are you allowed to go visit??”

“Sure, but I don’t want to, I feel like it’d be a tease for him. He doesn’t understand that Rumspringa usually lasts for about two years. Nomon said he looks for me out my bedroom window every day before dinner.” Lexa says, her facial expression falling.

“Awe, well. Hopefully you have enough fun here so the years go by quickly.” She sighs “Do you have to spend a full two years here if you don’t want to??”

“No, I don’t have to. Not if I want to go back to the church, and become baptized. I can go back early. But I want to stay. Emori told me to give myself time to figure out who English Lexa is, and if I like her or not. If I don’t want to stay, I don’t have to. But I do believe it’s a good idea to get to know myself without so many rules in place. I have to get used to not having rules though. It’s scary, to go from so many rules and guidelines from the moment you’re born to none at all over night.” I explain.

“It’ll take time. But you have two years to get used to it.”

“Thanks, thanks for the reassuring words.”

“Anytime. You helped me out the other day when I was in a panic. I know overwhelmed when I see it. I’m here for you, that what friends are for.” She states, placing her hand on my shoulder.

“So, does this need more salt or is this good??” I ask.

Clarke takes a fistful and shoves the entire thing into her mouth. “CLARKE! My gosh!”

“I fink dis hash enough salt.” She mumbles. Her words muddled from the amount of popcorn in her mouth.

“Good.” Let’s go, they’ve totally started the movie without us.” I laugh.

Clarke and I squeeze into the recliner chair together because everyone else has taken up the couch.

I hand one bowl of popcorn to Maya, keeping the big bowl on me and Clarke’s lap.

Halfway through the next movie everyone is asleep and Raven is snoring embarrassingly loud. I’m assuming it’s from the position she’s in, because she didn’t snore last time she slept over.

I scoot out from under Clarke, empty her fist of popcorn and throw and small blanket over her, and make my way to my bed. Leaving the mostly empty bowl of popcorn on the counter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again for all the feedback I got it definitely helped develop this bit so quickly.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I lied. I got this out sooner than expected as I was able to get out of bed this morning. Once January hits I'll be able to be as quick as I was before, I just don't have Wifi at some at the moment. Thank you for everyone who has waited so patiently for me to update. 
> 
> The Trigedasleng in this chapter is very roughly translated by me. I have a book of it and i'm just going off the notes I have.   
> Again this isn't beta'd all mistakes are mine.

I kissed a boy for the first time last week. I kissed Clarke’s friend and it was weird. It felt like nothing. I know it was just a dumb game, and maybe it wasn’t supposed to feel like anything but it wasn’t how Anya described it to me when she first kissed a boy.

There were no shudders or goosebumps. It didn’t even make my face red or my body warm. It was empty, and clearly meant nothing-as it was just a game. I don’t know why I expected more out of it, I just know that I wish I had.

I keep thinking about what Clarke was saying that night when we were making popcorn. She said that it was okay to like girls. And by the way she kissed Raven it was clear she enjoyed kissing girls, but also kissing boys because she’s mentioned a boyfriend, it’s all a complicated equation. I’ve been thinking about what is so different about kissing girls, than boys. Is it all that different? What if I did kiss a girl…just to try it, and my parents found out and didn’t want me anymore. What would happen to Aden?? I love him too much to let my parents shun me.

Although it’s 4:00a.m. I have questions for Clarke that I may as well ask.

_Me: Can I ask you a question?_

I close my phone and set it on the bedside table, not expecting Clarke to be awake right now.

_Clarke: Why are you awake? Ask away._ _J_

_Me: I’m awake because I can’t stop thinking. My brain won’t slow down. I can’t stop thinking about kissing Wells last Saturday._

_Clarke: Oh, What about it, was it that good?? Lol._

I’ve noticed she types out ‘lol’ whenever she’s uncomfortable with a subject.

                                                                                _Me: No, It was disappointing. Not the way Anya explained it to be. (Don’t tell him I said that either)_

_Clarke: I won’t, how did Anya explain she felt?_

_Me: Goosebumps and shudders. Cold skin but warm insides. Happy, nice, comfortable. It wasn’t like that._

_Clarke: Why do you think it wasn’t like that Lexa?_

_Me: I don’t know that’s why I came to you...what are you doing up??_

_Clarke: I’m drawing, I got inspired. Do you think you would feel different if you kissed a different boy??_

_Me: No_

_Me: When did you first realize you were attracted to girls?_

_Clarke: I developed crushes when I was quite little, before even being influenced by society. When did you first realize you were attracted to girls Lexa?_

_Me: Do you think I’m attracted to girls?_

_Me: You’re the only person that told me it’s not wrong. Though I don’t remember a time I was ever attracted to boys._

_Clarke: I can’t give you an answer, that’s your own thing to answer. Think back to when you were little, give me a name of girl you always thought was pretty. You wanted to be near her all the time, she made you so happy, she made you laugh all the time and when you were apart you always thought of different gifts to give her, or make her, just to see her smile. Does that description bring any names to your head??_

Without even a single second thought, I type out an answer.

                                                                                _Me: Costia Green._

_Clarke: Okay any other names?? Think back anyone else?_

_Me:  Niylah Riley, Echo Levi, Tris Esch._

_Clarke: And no boys come to mind??_

_Me: oh._

_Me: How do I know if I like girls without kissing them?_

_Clarke: Honey, you don’t have to kiss anyone to be attracted to them. Some people don’t like kissing anyone, it’s not something that makes them feel good and they still date people. They can still be attracted to people, even without kissing them. Like, you could tell these girls were beautiful, and made your heart happy even without kissing them, right?_

_Me: Right but Costia kissed me on my cheek when I gave her a flower crown and she’s dead now, I don’t want that to happen to me. I didn’t want that for her either but I didn’t know that god would make her sick for doing it._

_Clarke: That’s purely a shitty coincidence. I don’t want to offend you, or your religious views in any way, but I personally, was raised to believe in whatever god I wanted or didn’t want to. I went to church with my family until I realized I was being fed something that I had no kinship with. I believed none of what I was being told. And my parents were okay with that. I still had internalized homophobia to deal with because of said religious background. But the thing people don’t tell you, is that you can be religious and queer all in one big bundle. You can still have faith without being smitten by your god, but no matter how hard you try to push away or deny your feelings, in the end you’ll always feel something more for girls. There’s nothing wrong with it but you have to learn to accept yourself._

_Me: How do I do that?_

_Clarke: Write down your feelings on paper. Write down what you feel, and for whom you feel it. Get these pent up feelings out. Write about how you feel when you see girls kissing. Write about how you feel when your family speaks negatively about queer people. It will feel good to get it out, then the next day, re-read it. read it all, read it out loud, hear what you have to say. Let it register. It’s going to take time to learn all about the Lexa you’ve been hiding since you were little._

_Clarke: You are more than welcome to come to me for anything Lexa. We can sit in your bed and eat frosted flakes until 1:00a.m. talking about Costia if that’ll make you feel any better. I can take you to buy her a star if you want to. You need to cry over her, you need to let yourself feel again._

_Clarke: It was so easy to feel things when you were little because your brain hadn’t been impacted yet. It hadn’t registered the concept of romantic attraction yet. You’re at a point in time where your culture is allowing you to figure out your life. Take the opportunity, baby steps if you have to. (Although this realization is a big giant leap, you’re going in the right direction.) The kissing part should be the least of your worries right now._

I suppose Clarke is right…right about it all, about everything. How do I know I won’t get sick like Costia?? How to do I know that this is really true…all the things I’m feeling right now? I don’t know where to begin. Writing about Costia…I haven’t even allowed myself to think about her, not until I told Ms. Griffin that I lost someone too. That I know what Clarke felt.

I guess I will start with that. It was always so easy to talk to Costia, she was always there to listen.  Maybe a letter to Costia will help me.

I get myself out of bed despite the time, I sit at my desk and write to Costia.

Dear Costia,

I’m sixteen and I’m on Rumspringa now. I want to tell you a few things about me that I’ve learned in the three weeks I’ve been in TonDc.

I went to a party and I drank alcohol for the first time. It tasted nice, but it made my stomach so sick. It turns out I can’t handle alcohol. A nice girl, with blonde hair and beautiful blue eyes helped me at the party, she also helped me home. We’ve been friends ever since. I think you would’ve liked her. She has a really nice deep voice, and she sings well too. Her laugh fixes things. Makes life feel so simple. Even though it’s far from simple.

That day I gave you the flower crown from the garden I wasn’t really supposed to pick from, you kissed my cheek and my whole heart stopped, I didn’t know why. I think I know why now… As much as I don’t want it to be true I think it is, and I don’t think I should ignore it anymore.

It physically hurts my heart when I think about that day, how happy we were. Just small children, running through the farms carefully on the promise that we wouldn’t get our dresses dirty. You dropped your cap in the mud and started crying so I gave you mine and took the dirty one to my mom, telling her I dropped mine instead. I’d have done anything for you, you know. Anything to keep tears out of your eyes and a smile on your face. My biggest regret was not telling you how much you mattered to me. Instead, when you got sick, I didn’t visit you, I didn’t even go to your funeral. But that’s not because of you…no, that was because I felt you died because of me. Clarke told me that’s not true. Clarke thinks it was a coincidence that you got sick after you kissed my cheek that day. it was only months after that you got sick, but I’m thinking that Clarke might be right. I don’t think it’s my fault, I don’t want to think it’s my fault. I don’t want to believe that you died, just simply because I loved you Costia.

I loved you and that’s my reality.

I loved you like I love Clarke, and that is my reality.

If you are up there, if you can know what I am thinking, and saying, if you can see me, Can you help me be okay with myself? Can you help me stop hating myself? Can you love me like you used to? Please you have to help me…(I mean logically speaking you don’t have to, but I think I need your help.)

Oso keryon ste teina. Hodnes laik ai kwelnes, en em na toli flosh ai kiln fou em fis ai op. I hod yu in. Bida-weron raun ona en gonot… feva. [Our souls are entwined, always. Love is my weakness and it will shatter me into a million pieces before it puts me back together. I love you, somewhere inside and out…forever.]

 

I fold the letter up and put it under a candle. Leaving it there for me to read tomorrow. I climb back in bed and let my eyes close. Finally able to sleep.

 

I ended up waking up at 6:00p.m. from only going to sleep at 7:00a.m. I guess it was well deserved sleep. Before I re-read the letter I wrote last night, I eat breakfast and drink tea. I think about texting Clarke, thanking her for being there for me at odd hours of the night.

I don’t though, I know Clarke sleeps more than I do. She’s probably still asleep, so after I’ve calmed myself down and prepared myself for last nights words. I do as Clarke suggested, reading the letter out loud.

The problem I came across was not being able to make it through the letter without crying. I cried because the intensity of things that I am feeling is more than overwhelming.

I feel the weirdest mixture, of love, loss, regret, anger. It’s a weird feeling, that makes a flittering in my gut and makes my chest feel constricted. Like I have too many clothes on. I’ve tried to ignore these types of feelings. Especially love and loss.

The loss of Costia killed me, the loss of her love made me realize what I had when she was alive, and reminded me every day of what I’d never have again.

But like I wrote last night. This is my reality. I need to try and accept it. Even if my faith and family says otherwise.

                                                                                                                _Me: I think I would like to get Costia a star. I wish let her free. I think that would be a good way to do so._

_Clarke: Okay, want to get together tomorrow? I’ll drive you to the planetarium we can name a star. I’ll show you where my dad’s star is if you want. Then maybe we can find a really bright one next to him and we can put Costia next to him. Maybe they’ll become friends, and look after us both._

_Me: I like that idea. xx_

_Clarke: good, when should I come get you tomorrow then?_

_Me: Come sleep over tonight? Then we will know when each other is awake. I’ll go get frosted flakes even. Although I don’t know what that looks like._

_Clarke: I’ll be over in twenty minutes. I’ll bring frosted flakes. Do you have milk?_

_Me: I do have milk._

_Clarke: Alright see you soon Lexa._

_Clarke: I’m here, can you let me in. New door man doesn’t wanna let me up._

_Me: I’ll be down, let me put some pants on first._

I pull on a pair of shorts and put my hair in a bun, before making my way to the lobby.

“Hey Clarke.” I say once I enter the lobby. She turns to me a smile beaming from her face. She’s wearing boxers with a green character on it that she calls “the Grinch”, flip flops, and a worn out and paint splattered t-shirt. She has a backpack on and she’s holding a giant family sized box of frosted flakes. She would make for a good picture right now. I mean, she would always make for a good picture but this would make for a comical picture.

“Wait, just wait right there.” I pull out my phone and take a picture, I couldn’t not keep that moment forever.

The thing about me is that I grew up unable to take pictures, we couldn’t use anything modern. Which yeah, is simple, and you live your moments but what if you get old and forget. We have nothing to remember it by other than our brains and I’d be very sad if I forgot what Clarke looked like at 8:30p.m. on a Saturday night with a giant box of frosted flakes. The pictures I take mean so much me because I’ve never been able to capture moments before. Most of them are of Clarke and her friends. A few include me but I really don’t like those.

The one that does include me, that I do like, Clarke took. She is really good at taking what she calls “selfies”. She took a piece of my hair and made a mustache out of it, and I took hers and did the same. And we are both looking at each other and smiling like a bunch of fools. I really like that one. Clarke made it my ‘screensaver’ on my phone and I don’t know how she did that. Even if I did, I wouldn’t take it off.

“Hello yourself. You look lovely Lexa.” Clarke smiles.

“Let’s go upstairs. I don’t look lovely. I’m in pajamas Clarke…”

“So, you still look lovely.”

“Thank you, Clarke. You look nice too. In the comfy messy artsy kind of way.”

“You like saying my name a lot, don’t you?”

“I don’t realize I’m doing it, but your name sounds nice. It rolls off the tongue and clicks nicely. I like it.”

“Well, thanks. I like it when you say it.”

“I know, you smile every time I do.”

“Your apartment is always so nice Lexa. You’re good at keeping it nice.” Clarke smiles as she plops down on my couch.

“Thanks.”

She nods, curling herself up on the couch. She’s made herself comfortable here, just like I had wished everyone to. I hate it when people stand awkwardly when they’re in someone else’s home. Like I get they don’t want to do anything that wouldn’t be accepted, but it makes everything awkward when you just freaking stand there. I like it when people are clearly comfortable. It makes me feel comfortable.

I turn the T.V. on and Clarke flips to her favorite channel where they play crime shows, the creepy stuff.

We sit together on the couch, under my mom’s quilt that Clarke loves so much that every time she comes over she snatches it off my bed so she can wrap it around herself and sit on my couch. She calls herself a blanket burrito whenever she does that. I find it very adorable.

“Y’know, I really like this blanket. Where’d you get it from?” She asks, rubbing the tip of her index finger over a piece of green in the quilt.

“My mother made it for me.” I smile.

Her eyes go wide and she sits up.

“What!? Like by hand? She sewed this by hand?”

“Yup.” I nod.

“What kind of fucking superhuman shit is that!?” Clarke exclaims.

“We learn from very young. It’s not superhuman.”

“It’s super human when it’s this big, this intricate, anddd this comfy. Like this is by far the comfiest, Fluffiest, most cuddly blanket ever.”

“Well, I’m glad you like it. You’re welcome to it whenever you are here.”

She pulls the blanket up under her chin before settling back down and focusing on the T.V.

It’s nice to have a friend that will sit with you in silence. You don’t have to talk or entertain. They’re more than a guest in your house now. They’re a friend, they feel like they belong enough to not feel weird when things get quiet, or when you run out of things to talk about. It’s starting to become a thing for Clarke and I, for Clarke to just come over Saturdays and spend the night. Sometimes we talk and other times we don’t need to. It’s just the comfort of having each other around is sometimes all we need. And that makes me so happy.

Once her show ends and there’s a few minutes of commercials she speaks again. “Want frosted flakes?”

“Sure, what do they taste like?”

“Like corn cereal with sugar on it. That’s all it is really.” she shrugs, struggling hard to get out of her blanket.

“Do you need help?”

“Yessss” She whines.

I stand up and pick her up off the couch, then I untangle her from the blanket. Laughing because during her struggle, her hair is sticking up from the static.

“Your hair is sticking up in all different directions. It’s so---it’s so cute.”

“Ugh, it always does that. Can you make it go back down; my hands will make it worse.”

I run my fingers through her hair, removing the static. She shudders after I run my hands through her hair the second time. “You okay?” I ask.

“Yeah, just got the chills is all.” Just like I had when she touched my hair.

I make us both bowls of frosted flakes and we sit at the counter next to each other eating them.

“This is like 75% sugar and 25% corn cereal. Please tell me you don’t start your day with this.”

“I don’t, I end my day with it. I usually just crave it when my unwanted monthly subscription to Satan’s waterfall starts showing its ugly face.”

“I only understood half of that sentence.”

“My period Lexa. I crave sugary goodness. Don’t you?”

“Not stuff this strong. I usually just eat gummies, and ice cream. I also really like banana pudding, but nothing so sugary it hurts your tongue.” I explain. My tongue really does feel tingly from this cereal, like that’s how strong the sugar is. It’s a very strange sensation, but I’m not going to stop eating it because it really does taste delicious.

“I’m used to the sugar. It doesn’t bother my tongue. It makes my tongue happy, really happy.” Clarke smiles. Stuffing the last spoonful in her mouth before putting the bowl to her mouth to drink the milk.

“Do you want the milk out of my bowl? I don’t drink it.”

“Yes, I want it!” She makes grabby hands like a small child until I hand her my bowl.

“So, when do you want to go to sleep?”

“After you tell me about Costia. I mean, we are getting her a star tomorrow can you tell me a little bit about her.”

“Yeah, sure. She was always the tall one in the class. She had dark skin, and fluffy hair. She had freckles, and dimples. Her smile was so bright… she was always happy. She got sick when we were ten. It was horrible, I thought It was my fault so I distanced myself from her. Which hurt us both, we were each other’s only friends. I was really fond of her.” I explain. I wish to explain more, how she taught me how to make flower crowns and I perfected it. Now I teach Aden. I wish to tell her how she would write music and sing while we took walks across the farm I wish to tell her so much more, but I refrain. I feel like some things I should keep to myself, as my memory and no one else’s. I’m greedy for memories of her, I can’t let them slip away.

“She sounds beautiful. Worthy of a star.”

“I believe so.”

“Now we can go to sleep.” Clarke hums, resting her head on her arms.

“Okay. Let me find you some pillows. You can sleep with the quilt.”

“Thanks.”

I go into my bedroom closet and bring out some pillows for her. She curls up on the couch and I put pillows to one side and wait.

“What are you waiting for?”

“I’m waiting for you to lay down so I can cover you, Clarke”

“You’re waiting to tuck me in??” Clarke asks, furrowing her eyebrows.

“Yes. Now lay down.”

“This is why my friends call you the commander.”

“My friends back home call me Commander too, but in our language. Only because my dad is a church bishop.”

“Ahh, so how do you say commander in your language?”

“Heda.”

“Heda. Heda heart eyes…That has a nice ring to it.” Clarke giggles.

I lay the blanket over her and tuck the sides under her. “Reshop Skaiprisa.” I whisper.

“Reshop Heda.” Clarke smiles.  

I smile, looking to the floor before turning towards my room.

^^//^^

I woke up at around four in the morning due to hearing/feeling the air conditioning kick on. I decide to try to get Lexa to cuddle me.

I tiptoe into her room, hoping not to let the floorboards creak. I don’t want to startle her.

“Lexa…” I whisper. She crinkles her nose and her eyebrows knit together. Not wanting to be waken up. _Hmmm Light sleeper._

“Lexa…” I repeat.

“Hmmmm??” She grumbles.

“Can I sleep in here, I’m cold.”

“You…you want to sleep in here?? With me?” She asks, her voice low.

“Yes. Is that okay?”

She spins around and rolls to the other side of her bed, holding her blanket open for me to climb in. “Clarke hurry…its coldd” She whines.

I slid into the blanket sticking my cold feet on her legs.

“Clarke! That was so mean!” Lexa yells.

“Sorry, sorry.” I giggle.

“in-spuna ou op-spuna?” she mutters.

“Hmm?” I question.

“Front spoon or back spoon?”

“You want to _spoon_ me.?” That’s certainly strange coming from a homo in denial. I was shocked enough she even let me climb into her bed if I’m honest.

“Mhmm, it’s cold.”

“I’ll take big spoon then.” I shrug. Why the hell not? I love cuddles.

She turns around so her back is facing me, and scoots all the way back grabbing my hand and pulling it over her waist. I scoot forward getting closer. I have a face full of her hair but I can’t even care. I don’t care.

“Goodnight Clarke.”

“Night night Lexi.”

Not too long after Lexa’s breathing slows down, she’s asleep.

I sit there awake for a minute thinking about how I got here. Almost a month ago, I answered the door, silently judging someone for ringing the doorbell to a high school party and now my heart is speeding up just because she let me cuddle her. I have dead arm and a face full of hair but somehow, I am happier than I’ve been in a long time. I’m really glad that Lexa is my friend. I don’t care if it takes years for her to accept herself. I can tell I’ll always be here for her. I find it’s easier to get out of bed in the morning if I know I’m going to be spending the weekend with her.

Not even Finn had that effect, and I thought I loved him.

**//** ^^//^^

“Clarke wake up!”

“Nooooo, I don’t wannna” She mumbles.

“Your waffles will get cold and if you don’t wake up in time, I will eat them!”

“Ok! Ok! I’m up. Don’t eat my waffles!” She springs out of bed like someone sprayed ice water on her.

I just laugh and turn on my heels, walking into the kitchen. I put Clarke’s plate in front of the chair she always sits at and I wait for her to stumble in.

Rubbing her eyes and yawning, she slowly makes her way into the kitchen, running into a few different walls on her way.

“Good morning! And Clarke, don’t eat around the fruit this time. I put newly picked strawberries on there. They’re healthy for you. Eat them.”

“Okay, mother.” She jokes.

“I’m serious. It’s not good for you to just eat waffles.”

“It’s perfectly good for me to just eat waffles. My tummy loves waffles.”

“You’re so funny”

“Look, I’m eating the strawberries.” Clarke points out. picking all the strawberries off and dramatically eating them very close to my face.

“I see. Thank you. They turn your lips a pretty shade.” I say it before I can stop. I immediately regret it. I feel my face get hot, and fill up with pressure. I know it’s red, really red.

“Thanks” Clarke blushes, choosing not to make a deal out of what I said, knowing I am embarrassed about it.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah...this happened. Any respectful feedback you may have is always helpfully.  
> If there is anyone out there that actually likes my writing, I think i'll post some of my other Clexa fictions here too. I will think about it. Again. Thanks for all the reads so far!


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again not beta'd this bit is so short and just a filler. Hopefully the next bit will be more entertaining.

_Clarke: Having a big gathering at O’s house today. It’s Bellamy’s birthday. Wanna come?? We could use your help decorating._

_Me: Who’s there? Will it be overwhelming? I’m not drinking this time…_

_Clarke: Me, bell, O, Lincoln, Maya, Raven, Jasper, Monty, Miller, Wells, you know….everyone. It shouldn’t be too overwhelming for the most part it’ll be you, Me, Bell, O’, Lincoln, and Raven on the couch eating and talking. The others get kind of wild and take it outside to play games._

_Me: Okay. I’ll go. When?_

_Clarke: Now…_ _J_

_Me: Really no warning? Okay, I’ll be there after I shower._

_Clarke: Thanks love! See you in a bit!_

I jump in the shower washing my hair because I really like leaving it down. It is so freeing to let your hair blow in the wind. I never knew it could feel so good. But in order for me to leave it down, I have to wash it. No one likes greasy hair…

////

On my way to Octavia’s Clarke texts me.

_Clarke: You don’t have to ring the doorbell this time. Just walk on in, okay??_

I send her the thumbs up emoji—emoji’s are so freaking cool! I love them, they’re so cute and small. But they convey the emotion you need They also have everything like food, and transportation. It’s truly mind blowing! How they get those pictures so little and so perfect I’ll never know! But I like them.

This time, I do just walk into the house.

“Lexa!!” Clarke calls running towards me with her arms opened for a hug.

“Hey!” I smile, opening my arms for her to jump into. Clarke love’s hugs, she hugs so tight until she’s ready to let go. Her hugs always last longer than most people’s hugs. But she never hugs anyone else. Not Raven or Octavia, and when or if she does she pulls away really quickly. But she always gives me really long hugs. I like them though. They make me happy.

“How are you? How’ve you been??” Clarke questions.

“I’m good. How are you?? School’s starting in a couple weeks.”

“Ugh. I don’t really wanna talk about that. Though, I am glad you’ll be going with me though. After you took your placement test I asked the guidance counselor if you’d be in some of the same things as me, he said he’d take a look at your scores and whatever matched up he’d make sure we got the same period. So at least we will see each other often. I also want to help… you know show you around the school and such.”

“Aww that’s so sweet. Thanks Clarke. I’m so nervous. I haven’t been to school in a while.”

“Of course. I’m always here for you. And school isn’t that bad. I just don’t like it. I have no doubt you’ll be good at it, and make friends. So, quick change of subject, dinner will be here any minute and that’ll draw the boys down so you can meet Lincoln!” She exclaims.

We sit on the couch, making small talk about the weather, and the week we’ve had. It’s been like three days since the night Clarke brought frosted flakes over and I told her about Costia. Since we named her a star and we sat in the planetarium looking up and the stars together. It’s quite and comfortable. After a while Clarke leans her head on my shoulder, I wrap my arm around her’s and we just stay there awhile. Content in being surrounded by each other. For some reason, in this dark dome of a room, I feel the most free of judgement. Like maybe everything is okay. Time has stopped, Costia is looking down on me, proud of me for being able to let her go. Proud of me for forgiving myself, happy that I have Clarke to keep me company. That maybe life shouldn’t be as difficult as my culture makes it for me to be okay with myself. I love going to the planetarium with Clarke.

I went from telling her—on our first ever dinner—that the stars have never held any significance for me. They’ve never intrigued me enough to stare at them endlessly for hours. Until that day she took me to the planetarium, and excitedly explained all the constellations, which ones were her favorite and why.

Her bright smile, and enthusiastic explanation made the stars my favorite thing. Funny how that works.

I get pulled out of my thoughts when Clarke yells for everyone to come downstairs, as dinner is ready.

“Get your funky looking tails down here! Lexa’s here you guys.”

“Lexa!? I love Lexa!” Octavia calls down. You can hear her stomping her way down the stairs.

“I love you too!” I called back. The little ball of energy that is Octavia, turns the corner from the stairs and runs into my arms. Giving me a hug.

“Hi.”

“Hey” She says back simply. Like she didn’t just make the biggest most unnecessary scene. Drawing everyone’s attention towards me; I really dislike being the center of attention

“It’s very nice to see you all again. I am supposed to be meeting someone new though??” I state, looking around for a new face.

“Yeah, that’s Lincoln. He’s coming.” Octavia sighs. Monty, Miller, Bell, and Jasper are next to ‘round the corner from the stairs. Giving a quick hello and a wave, making their way straight to the kitchen to grab food. Cause let’s face it, that’s all they’re really here for.

^^//^^

Bellamy invited me to his house for a little party for his birthday. His sister, and some of his friends would be there too. So of course, I said I’d go. I haven’t seen Bell in a while and it is his birthday after all. His sister usually has mature friends, except her girlfriend Raven. She’s not mature, funny as hell—yes. Mature—ha, no. But Octavia’s friends are my friends no matter what.

I’m apparently supposed to be meeting a new face in the friend circle today, so that’s cool. Hopefully it’s not another Raven.

We were all hanging out upstairs, catching up when Clarke went down to greet the new friend at the door. They never came up, then Clarke called when dinner was ready and everyone got up and Ran. I took my time. Turning the corner into the living room last. Everyone is standing in a circle, speaking about school schedules or something. Laughing and giggling like high school girls do.

“So, who is the new face in this crowd?” I ask, scanning the circle.

A small statured girl with really curly long hair, and a shy smile raised her hand. She steps closer to me hesitantly, not seeming to want to leave Clarke’s side. She holds her hand out for a handshake. “I’m Lexa.” She practically whispers.  

“We only do hugs here if that’s okay?” I say opening my arms.

She leans in a little uncomfortably for a hug. I hug her tight, the way Clarke likes to be hugged.

“So, Lexa where are you from??” I ask, knowing I’ve seen her before, but I can’t place her. She definitely doesn’t fit into the cities aesthetic, meaning she probably hasn’t lived here long.

“I just moved here, I’m from Lancaster.” She whispers.

“Oh cool, cool. Me too. God, I left that place a loongg time ago. Hand to have been ten years ago by now. Are you liking the city??” I ask.

“I am. Clarke is…Clarke is very helpful in getting me around, helping me make friends. Like, as soon as you’re friends with one of them, you’re friends with all of them. Which is pretty awesome.”  Lexa explains.

“Yeah, these kids are pretty cool. My tiny babies. I love them too. They’re my family.” I smile, and she smiles back. Flashing perfect teeth and bright green eyes. Her eyes, her eyes are like none I’ve ever seen, except I have.

“Yeah, mine too I guess.” She shrugs. And Clarke pushes her shoulder playfully. “You guess!?” She exclaims, sounding offended.

“I mean, I don’t guess. They are. My family. They are my family.” She nods.

“So, give me some hobbies. What do you like to do??” I question.

“Mmmm, I’m not really sure yet. I really like taking pictures. Clarke’s mom got me a phone, and I take pictures on it a lot. They mean everything to me. To be able to freeze a moment…it means so much. Also, I read a ton of books. I hope to make my apartment look like a little library. I like watching Clarke draw too. She’s really fascinating to watch. I’ve also found myself writing a lot. Clarke told me too. To help me let go of things. It works.” She rambles, but I listen. Her face flushes when she realizes she has everyone in the rooms undivided attention. Before she started speaking everyone was having cross conversations which was clearly less nerve-wracking for her.

“Aye ya nosy bunch! This is not your conversation. Continue with your own conversations please.” I say, trying to lessen her nerves by taking the attention off her.

^^//^^

Lincoln puts a lot more bass in his voice to make everyone go back to their own conversations. It helps actually. He must have noticed I don’t like it when everyone watches me. So now it’s just Clarke and Lincoln looking at me, it’s easier to talk.

“That’s all cool. Cameras are really cool, I love taking pictures. I’m in school for photography actually. Maybe we could hang out. I’ve got a few of my old beginner Camera you could try out. I’ll take you to all the cool places to take photos. What do you like taking picture of??” He asks me.

“People.”

“Yes! You’re the bean for me. I take pictures of people too. People are so interesting. Do you have my number? Clarke likes to give it out.”

“I do have it…” I whisper.

“I only gave it to her because we got catcalled the first night she was here and if she was ever in danger she could call you. You’re big as shit and care for us. That’s the only reason why.” Clarke defended.

“It’s totally fine Clarkey no worries. Lexa, call me so I have your number and then we can make a day of going around taking photos of people. Sound cool??”

“Yeah. That sounds really cool. I’d like that.” I nod, pulling my phone out of my pocket I tap on his name and push the call button.

“Gotcha! Okay. We’ll set that up. I actually have to run, I have work in an hour. I’m going to talk to bell for a second. But it was very, very nice to meet you Lexa.” Lincoln stands up, opening his arms for another hug. He gives good hugs. I like his hugs. This time, I hug him back. He squeezes me till I fear my back might give out.

“See told ya he was nice Lex! You made a new friend! You’re welcome.” Clarke giggles.

“Yeah, thanks.”

“You sound upset…” She points out.

“No, I just think…He’s familiar.” Lexa says, her eyes never leaving Lincolns back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback is always helpful. Stay safe on New years Please!!!!


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, here's this.  
> This isn't Beta'd. I have come across a direction I want to take this so that's a good thing. Probably more updates to come this week, but don't hold me to that! Just probably.  
> Thanks for the nice words in the comments. Also, the ideas I get are so great and I try to incorporate as many of them as I can!  
> Question: How should Lincoln and Lexa be their first time hanging out in ten years?! Awkward?? Happy?? Emotional?? Have any of them show anger?? All of it?

 

“So, Lexa, any chance you’ll have a do over dinner at my house??” Clarke asks, shoving cake into her mouth.

“Mm, sure. But I can’t promise to be nice if your mother says anything like what she said last time.” I state.

“Oh, well I doubt she will cause you put her in her place, but I want you to be there. She invited you. You can sleep over if you’d like.”

“You can sleep over my house after??” I ask.

“I could.”

“Just you??”

“Sure. Why just me??”

“I don’t know. I want to talk about…stuff.”

“Okay, I’ll come over.” Clarke nods, smiling.

“Okay then I’ll come to dinner.”

^^//^^

Lexa pulls her hands out of her jean pocket, dropping a tiny little notebook with a pen in the spirals. It falls open and I bend to pick it up. “What’s this??” I ask. Seeing the format is much like a poem. I’m careful not to read any of it though, as it’s not mine to read.

“Oh, just some writing. Nothing.” She answers. Taking the book back, closing it before she puts it back in her pocket.

“I didn’t know you wrote.” I state, happy she has found something she likes to do.

“I didn’t either” She blushes. “You told me to write about Costia and I did. So I decided to write about everything.” Lexa’s lips upturn in a little smirk, her eyes light up when she says Costia’s name. My stomach drops at that thought. The thought that her heart is still reserved. It will probably be that way forever. Whenever she mentions her, and her eyes get bright, my chest tightens a little. I roll my eyes at myself. _Jealous over the dead girlfriend?? Really Clarke??_  

“That’s great.” I smile, trying to mask the jealousy in my voice. “Writing can help a lot. I am sure you are very good at it.”

“Thanks.” She shrugs, dismissing the compliment. She looks down at her feet and fiddles with the frayed hem of her shirt, pulling at the threads coming apart.

I take the hand that pulls the thread off of her shirt and hold it in my hand. Rubbing my thumb over her knuckles. “Hey, are you okay?? Are you nervous??”

“I-I don’t know. I feel a little rattled…like shook up or something.” She replies. Her voice unsteady, and her hands shaky.

“Do you know why?? Or just no reason? Would you like me to walk you home??” I ask all at once, I know I shouldn’t have bombarded her with questions but I got nervous and they just flew out.

“No, I think…just. I don’t know. Yeah I feel tired.” She mumbles.

“Alright. Let me just tell bell and then we can go okay??”

“M’kay.” Lexa sits down on the couch and rests her head on the armrest, closing her eyes.

//

I travel through the house looking for bell, of course I find him in the kitchen with everyone else, eating everything on the table and more.

“Hey bell, Happy birthday my dude. Lexa isn’t feeling well, I’m going to take her home okay?”

“Okay, tell her thanks for coming, sorry she doesn’t feel well. I’ll see you whenever!” Bellamy called out, shoving more and more food on his plate. I do not understand how he can eat and eat and eat and literally never get full. I like to think I am a bottomless pit but I’m really not.

I walk back into the living room and place my hand on Lexa’s shoulder. She looks up at me with glossy red eyes and a sad smile. “Hey, are you crying Lex?”

She simply nods slowly, hesitant to let me know she was just crying, even though it’s pretty clear that she was.

“Okay, are you ready to go??”

“Mhmm” She hums.

She slowly stands up and we walk out the door together.

“So, why were you crying darling??” I ask softly.

“Lincoln. He just…he looks like a Lincoln I knew from back home. But he can’t be can he??” She asks.

“I don’t know. Why don’t you text him when we get you home??”

“Mkay…but it’ll be embarrassing if it’s not.”

“It’ll be fine.” I state, pushing the elevator button. Getting in the elevator Lexa leans her head on my shoulder. It’s like Déjà vu from that first night I brought her home.

“You are so comfy.” Lexa hums.

“Is that so??” I giggle, running my hands through her tangled curly hair.

“Mhmm, that feels nice” Her smile shows her teeth this time. Big and happy, bright enough to make anyone’s week better. I scratch at her scalp and she leans into the touch. Letting herself relax. I lean my head on hers and wait for the doors to open on her floor.

Once the doors do open we walk down the hall to her apartment. I take the key from her wrist to unlock the door.

She makes her way straight to her bedroom, laying down in her bed she pulls out her phone.

“Are you going to text Lincoln??” I ask.

“Yeah.” Lexa nods.

“What are you going to send him??”

“Ai na ste kom yu otaim ai hodnes.” She speaks her native tongue with such accuracy. Her pronunciation is very distinct. It’s perfect, each click and hiss of the ‘s’ she sounds perfect when speaking. I wish I could hear more of it. More of the language, more of her speaking it. I just wish for more.

“What’s that? How will he know what it means??”

“If he is who I think he is, he will know what it means.”

“oh. Can I ask who you think he is??”

“My eldest brother.” Lexa looks to her lap as she says this. She begins fiddling with her shirt again, picking the threads off. I realize she never talks about family. It seems like a sore subject sometimes. The only time she does it’s about her littlest brother and older sister.  Never about her older brothers.

“Oh??”

“He left home when I was six years old. Your Lincoln, he said he is from Lancaster area, and he said it’s been about ten years since he’s been there. That’s how long it’s been since my brother left as I am now sixteen. I sent the text off...”

“Okay. Do you want me to go??” I question.

“In the top drawer is pajamas. I want you to say. I find myself _always_ wanting you to _stay._ ” She sighs.

“Oh, okay. I won’t fit in your clothes though. So, if it’s okay with you I am just going to take my pants off, and sleep in my shirt???”

“Mhmm, that’s fine.”

Ridding myself of pants, I climb into her bed and under the covers. Putting my cold feet on her warm legs. “Hay! Clarke. That’s so rude!! Why must you do this to me!” She exclaims.

“Cause I love ya.” I beam.

“You—you love me??” She questions. Her phone goes off immediately after.

Quickly she grabs it, looking at the screen. She looks up at me again with glassy eyes, handing me the phone. “You want me to read it??” I ask.

“Mhmm” She hums.

I take the phone and read the text message.

_Lincoln: Strisis, I knew I recognized you the moment I saw your big green eyes. The last time I saw you, you were six years old. I am pleased to know that you have turned into such a sweet, and beautiful young girl. I told you we would meet again. No matter what. The way of our people is basically: Taim yu drag raun, taim yu ge ban au. Our parents would not let me come back to see you. I tried snacha, I tried so hard I promise you. I wrote you letters, and sent you gifts every year on your birthday. I sent you pictures of me and my friends. I never wanted you to forget me. I understand our parents made it easy to forget, and I’m sorry. But I never forgot about you no matter what you were told little one. I am here for you love. I will be supportive of anything you decide, to go back home, or to stay here. I will 100% support you. But, while you are on Rumspringa, we must hang out. I want to know you snacha, I want to know everything that has happened since I left. I am incredibly deeply sorry for leaving you behind, I hope you know that was never ever my intention. But I had made a life out here as you can see, friends, school, a job. I love you, I have always loved you, and thought about you constantly. So, I would like to see you. Tell me when you are free, we will go take pictures together, and talk. Okay little one??_

There are tears lining my own eyes and I can feel the pressure in my head. I know my cheeks are red.

“Wow, that was some text. What does this bit say??” I ask pointing to the first half of the text.

“Oh Taim yu drag raun, taim yu ge ban au is like… If you fall behind you get left behind. Because if you choose not to go back to the church you get shunned or banished hence the ‘ban au’. Once you leave, you have no family anymore, other than the family of friends you’ve made out here.” Lexa explains. I love it when she explains her language to me. She wants me to understand it. I find myself wanting to understand it as well.

“So, what are you going to reply??” I question.

“I have no idea. Any suggestions??” Lexa asks, looking at me through her lashes.

“Let’s break it down okay.” I sigh, scrolling all the way back through the text, going to the top. “We’re you ever mad, mad that he left you?? Mad that he said you’d meet again and he didn’t come back??” I ask.

“Of course, I was six. He said he would be back for me. I was angry. I was so angry that I let myself forget, I let my parents help me forget him. I am now just angry at myself.” Lexa exasperates, huffing as she lays back in bed, looking up at the ceiling.

“So, explain that. Tell him how it felt, tell him that you feel the anger for yourself now. You need the reassurance not from me, but from him. Talk to him, he is someone you could trust Lex. He has been around me since _I_ was six, he is a good person, he always has been.”

“Okay… Will you read it to tell me if it’s an acceptable reply??”

“Sure.” I smile.

I wait there patiently while she types out her reply. She has gotten quite quick at typing back. I admire the edges and contours of her face. She is such a beauty. When she texts she sticks the tip of her tongue between her teeth, clearly thinking, and concentrating. A few minutes pass by her green eyes look up at me. “You’re staring…” She points out, smiling a little.

“I can’t help it.” I whisper. She giggles and looks back at her phone, the light illuminating her red cheeks. I smile, blushing a little at what I had just said.

She hands me her phone, and I read over the message.

_Me: I let Nontu make me forget. I let our culture come in between our relationship. For that, I am immensely sorry. I am mad for allowing myself to forget, I am learning to forgive myself for things I had no control over though. I will put this onto the ever growing list of things I need to forgive myself for. I never even thought it would be possible for us to run into each other, much less have the same circle of friends. Of family. I too am pleased you turned out to be a sweet, and handsome man. I do wish for us to grow closer. I don’t want to ever forget you. Let me know when you are free and I will clear my schedule. I would love to hang out, I would love to speak with you about my life, about your life, and about some of the things you’ve missed back home. I would love to learn to take pictures with you._

“This is really nice Lex, really nice. It’s good to send off.” I smile.

“Thank you…”

“Any time.”

We there in silence. I settle further into the bed, resting my head on my pillow, looking up at her continuing to fall. Looking at Lexa is like looking at a shark up close. They are beautiful and majestic, not really sure of the world around them, other than the world they live in. They have the power to do harm, but wouldn’t do it, not purposefully. She’s beautiful, she is majestic, and absolutely clueless when people stare at her in more than a friendly manor. Though, if I let myself fall too deep into the ocean I’ll get lost, and probably hurt. Especially so soon. While she is still figuring out her life. Yet, I don’t seem to mind getting lost in her for a while.

“Hey Clarke, can I ask you something??”

“Of course, anything.” I tell her, always wanting her to be comfortable to talk to me.

“How come you helped me home that night. I mean, you really came into a stranger’s house. You risked so much just to make sure another was safe. Why??”

“I don’t know. You were shy, and gentle. Bellamy got you drunk as fuck, and I know how it is to walk drunk, alone, and in the city.  I was worried for you. I don’t know Lex, is it a crime that someone cares about you?? Even if I was a stranger?”

“No, it just surprised me is all. I am glad you brought me home that night. I am glad we are friends. I have already grown so much, with your help. I just…I appreciate you is all.”

“I appreciate you too, Lexa.” I hum.

She settles into bed, laying on her side facing me. She blinks slowly, feeling the day wash over her, she relaxes. Her shoulders fall slump and she scoots in closer to me.

“Clarke?” Lexa grumbles, opening her tired eyes, staring right into mine.

“Yes?” I whisper.

“You, you are so beautiful.” She sighs, like it was the simplest sentence she has ever said.

“You’re so cute Lexa.” I giggle.

“You said you loved me earlier…” She states, trailing off.

“I did, and I do.”

“In-I-in a gay way…or??” She asks, somehow, I knew this question was coming.

 I just open my eyes, finding her foresty gaze before replying, “Mm, Whatever you’re okay with.” I smile. “If it makes you uncomfortable for me to love you more than just friend, Lexa then, I love you as much as a friend can. I will love you as much as you allow me too.”

“Oh, I find I’m not satisfied with that answer.” Says, her eyebrows knit together and she looks slightly more than a bit confused.

“What answer did you want??”

“I don’t know.” She shrugs. Pulling the blanket up higher. “I just wish I wasn’t born Amish sometimes.”

“Why is that??” I ask.

“Because I want to be comfortable…I want to be able to see two girls kissing and not have my mind go straight to ‘eww’ I want to be able to be like you and raven. So, carefree about who your kissing.”

“That comes with teaching yourself babe. I had to learn to be okay. With myself, with others. It takes time. Watch movies, read books. Go online and read about all the different sexualities and genders Educate yourself. You’ll learn how to be okay. It just takes time, and for however long that takes, I am here for you okay??”

“Really? You mean that??”

“I mean that 100%”

“Thank you, Clarke.”

“Always.”

“Do you wanna sleep now??” Lexa asks. Opening her eyes once again, I can feel them watching me, it causes me to open mine.

“Mhmm” I hum.

She turns around and settles into me. I wrap my arm around her waist and the other between her and the mattress. I have a face full of curly hair, it smells like Lavender. I comb my fingers through it the best I can. The curls tangle and don’t break free, even with the force of my fingers brushing through. Lexa takes a deep breath, she visibly shudders, with goosebumps on her shoulders and neck. “You really like it when people play with your hair huh??” I ask in a whisper. Trying not to break the overall calmness of the room.

“Not people.” She mutters. “Just you.”

Once her entire body relaxes and her breathing evens out, I gently kiss the back of her neck. “Night night Lexi.” I mumble. She shivers and pulls the blanket up over her head like she always does. Which pulls it over mine, so I make an air hole in the blanket and before I know it I’m surrounded in everything Lexa. Feel, smell, the sounds of her little hums as she sleeps. I feel comfortable, I feel safe, and the one thing that has taken me so long to feel, happy. It seems so simple in this moment.

I used to have to fake a smile until I believed it was real, to fake my happiness until I believed I was happy. That was never what happy felt like. This, this is what happy feels like.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any feedback is always greatly appreciated!!  
> I hope you beans are having a wonderful start to the New year! I hope you get to pet loads of dogs, and never have a sneeze that won't come out!!


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like this is messy because my life is messy. But whatever, I am slowly getting myself back on track. Thank you to all who have stuck around even though this update was a little slow. 
> 
> It turned out way longer than expected, so I hope you enjoy this, cause there is a lot of it.  
> This isn't beta'd, all mistakes are mine.

It’s been a while since I’ve sent home a letter. I just cannot think of anything I wish to say to my mother. Everything I want to tell her are things she wouldn’t approve of. So, I simply refrain from sending anything. God I want to tell her so many things…I want to tell her how Clarke has made my life easier. How much I love working, working more than just ‘a girls duty’.  How many books I’ve acquired in just two months. I came here on the first Thursday in July. Now it will soon be the first Thursday in August and I’ll be spending it in a school building… an actual school building. With hundreds of other kids, learning, and being a normal teenager, an actual teenager. Not an Amish one. I’ll just be Lexa, not Snacha, or Heda, or Leksa, said with an accented click on the ‘K’ and a harsh hiss on the ‘S’ instead it’ll just be said with the gentle click quickly merging into the hiss. Nothing sticks out nothing is accented. It’s just normal.

Before I can stop, I find myself walking down the stairs to Emori’s apartment. Knocking on the door three times and stepping back, like always. She opens it quickly. Inviting me in, I plop myself down on her couch. She sits next to me and I lay my head in her lap.

“I need help…” I grumble. Pulling my hair out from behind me, fanning it across her lap so I don’t lay on it.

“With what??” Emori questions.

“My life…it’s messy.” I scoff.

She smiles, looking down at me on her lap. It feels like we have been friends for so long, when the truth is, she is the one who used to bully me in the school yard. “Messy?? Messy how??”

“I realize that we still have a year and some months before going home, but there are so many things that make me want to go home, and more things that keep me wanting to stay.” I explain.

“Don’t think about going home. Just think about living, think about anything but going home. When it is time to go home… then think about it. Never before.” Emori smiles down at me. Fiddling with the ends of my hair. “You need a hair trim.”

“Really?? My life is messy, and you’re worried about my split ends??”

“What makes your life messy, snacha??”

“Uhm. I think I might be really gay, my eldest brother Lincoln lives here remember him? Yeah, I didn’t. It took me a second. I’m starting school tomorrow and I’m fucking scared, scared that I won’t be good, scared that people won’t be nice to me, scared that I won’t fit in. I hate not fitting in, and lastly… I want to write to Nomon, but everything I want to tell her she wouldn’t approve of so I have nothing to write her. I miss Anya, and Aden. I feel like my life is very chaotic.” I ramble out on one breath.

“Wow, okay so back up. Gay?” She questions.

“Y-yeahh…”

“Okay. How do you feel about that??”

“Terrible. No one is ever gonna love me…”

“Wow, dramatic much Lexa?!  Someone will so totally love you. You are an amazing person, sweet, funny, incredibly intelligent, loyal, super dorky which isn’t a bad thing really. Also, you’re beautiful, and you’ve got the biggest heart. Remember that one time, Aden found a duckling in the market parking lot, and it was hurt. So you picked it up, brought it to my father crying cause you were scared for it. Big heart for small animals, girls love that…Right?? That’s cute.” Emori laughs. “Okay so, Brother??”

“Yup, he left when I was six, he’s been living here ever since, ran into him the other day at Bellamy’s birthday.”

“Nice, have you hung out??”

“Not yet. We were talking about making a plan.” I shrug my shoulders, holding doubt that he even wants to hang out with me.

“Okay that’s awesome. That’s perfect. School? You’re starting school here??”

“Yeah, with Clarke. I’d like to learn. I took my placement test already. I have four out of seven classes with Clarke” I say happily. Thankful that I have her for most of my classes so I won’t be alone.

“and you’re worried you won’t fit in??” Emori questions, cocking her head to the side.

“Yeah. I never fit in at school.”

“Who says you have to? You’re amazing because you don’t fit in and you’ve always seemed okay with that.  You are good in school. Too good it’s almost embarrassing.  You’ll make friends, I think you’ll have fun. Maybe find a subject or two or five or seven that you thrive in. I’m always here for extra support too. The only reason I’ve been so okay here is cause I have you from back home.” I giggle at how sappy she’s getting.

“Eww, ya big sap. What about Ontari??”

“Yeah right. Talk about terrible Character development.” She scoffs.

“Sorry, what happened?? You two were inseparable.”

“It’s okay. Like I said. I have you. And She is 100% set on going home, and I’m…not so sure.”

My eyes widen and my mouth makes the ‘o’ shape before the words come out. “Oh”

“Yeah. It’s rough. It’s her problem though. Not mine.” She shrugs. “Nou get yu daun.” [Stop worrying.]

“I don’t know how. That’s my talent. That and overthinking. I’m great at overthinking.”

“Keep your head held high. Don’t think about home. This is your home for the next year and some. Don’t forget that I’m here for you.” She smiles.

“Okay…Thanks.”

“Of course. Now get your ass off my couch. I gotta get ready for a thing.”

“What thing?? Does a thing mean a date??” I waggle my eyebrows.

“No, but in this instance, I suppose it does.”

“It’s murphy right?? You totally had the hots for him… since day one.” I joke. Giggling happily to myself as her red face tells me I’m right.

“Gonwe, Joka.” Emori giggles, as she pushes me out her apartment.  [Go away, fucker.]

////

_Clarke: School in…-8 hours. #NotFuckingReady._

_Me: I’m ready. I have my outfit laid out. My backpack organized. I even put my glasses case in there. I never take my glasses case places._

_Clarke: You are the most adorkable dork who has ever dorked and I love it. Also…you didn’t tell me you wore glasses._

_Me: Meh, I knew, just knew you’d call me a dork. It’s okay. Was I supposed to tell you??_

_Clarke: Yeah, cause I_ totally _have kinky fantasies about librarians…hahaa_

_Me: What’s kinky?_

_Clarke: I love you dork. Goodnight._

_Me: You didn’t answer my question…Skaiprisa._

_Clarke: Skaiprisa???_

_Me: Goodnight._

After I send the message off I notice my totally unashamed giddy smile. I roll my eyes at myself before I shut my phone off and hook it to the charger. My stomach drops repeatedly at thought of school. I’ll be the new kid again. I’ll be the one everyone picks on for my thick glasses, and fly away curls. I’ll be the person people sit next to only out of pity. Nothing is going to change from grade school back home. It’ll be the same, just more kids this time. I am excited, and terrified, all in the same.

I toss and turn all night, tying my hair up, taking it down. Kicking the blankets off and pulling them back up. Rolling to lay on my left side, then my right, then my back, and the whole thing all over again. My head won’t stop thinking long enough to let me fall asleep. And my heart rate won’t slow down long enough for me to catch my breath.

Before long it’s morning, my hair is all over the place from all the rolling around. I hadn’t got not one ounce of sleep. I couldn’t be more nervous.

The second my feet hit the ground, someone knocks on my door.

I open it and its Clarke. In pretty much the same condition as I am. Her hair up in the messiest bun, a backpack slung over her shoulders. A paint spattered sweatshirt along with what used to be black jeans and is now just splattered with so many different colored paints, you’d think there is a possibility her pants are painted on. Dark circles under her eyes and a frown pasted to her face. Also, she’s double fisting two giant cups of coffee, and I know they’re both hers because she knows I don’t drink coffee.

“Morning” She grumbles, shuffling into my living room. I’m guessing it’s the first time she has spoken this morning due to the rasp in her throat. Hearing that noise when she first wakes up, speaking for the first time in the morning. Her words getting stuck in her throat, it does something it me. It makes me smile, and goosebumps liter my arms, making me shiver. I don’t know why, it’s something I often find myself pushing to the back burner of my brain whenever I’m with Clarke.

“Morning Clarke. Sleep well??” I question, just in case she actually did sleep.  

“Take a guess?? How about you??” She mumbles in response. Following me back into my room.

“I didn’t sleep. Not a wink.”

“How, are you so….you.”

“Clarke, I’m so used to being up early. Not sleeping is something I’m kind of used too.” I shrug. “Close your eyes.” I order. Pulling at the hem of my shirt.

She listens happily, closing her eyes she hums as she leans back on my bed, sinking into the blankets.

I quickly get myself dressed. I wear my “Ohana” shirt, along with some jeans, and my brother’s old boots. I always wear his boots. They make me feel a little closer to home I guess. Walking on the dirt caked in the soles, the dirt from the farm. I don’t know. I guess it feels like a have a little of the farm with me wherever I go. It feels nice.

“Okay, you can open your eyes now.” I giggle, but Clarke doesn’t budge. She fell asleep…

I poke at her sides and she giggles herself awake before groaning. Rising like a zombie in that one weird t.v. show she showed me.

“Oh yay, you’re ready.” She mutters incredibly unenthusiastically.

“Yup, are you??”

“Never.”

“Great. Let’s go! I’ll buy you coffee and breakfast from that one coffee shop on that one corner right by the school” I bribe her. (I totally forgot the name of the shop.)

“Great! Let’s go!” She says happily, like she woke up completely refreshed at the mention of her favorite coffee shop.

I cannot help but just giggle at how she loves her coffee. And how both her and Raven will do anything for you if you give them food.

We walk all the way to school in silence. Clarke dragging her feet, scuffing them along the concrete, her heads hung low, and her shoulders slumped over. I’ve never seen her look so sad before. I just decide not to ask, I will try to make this our best school year together. Despite anything that can go to wrong in school.

Once we get there, Clarke runs over all the classes we have together with a bright pink highlighter. She walks me to my First period class. She gives me the tightest hug and wishes me luck. Telling me to be myself, and everything will go well. I hug her back even tighter, almost positive I hear her back crack and my heart thump because I don’t want to hurt her.  I tell her to stay positive, to keep her head up, and to find me sometime before our next class.

Entering my first period class I am immediately overwhelmed. Girls screaming and hugging because “Girl, I haven’t seen you all summer!! You grew boobs!” I blush for the girl that person is talking about. Boys in clusters, running their hands through their hair and checking out each other’s “Kicks” which I’m assuming is shoes, because that’s what they’re looking at. A few rouge kids sitting in their chairs. I sit next to a shorter girl with her nose in a book. I figure maybe she won’t hate me.

“Hey.” She says, putting her book down.

“Oh. Hi.” I smile. “Don’t let me interrupt your reading.”

“You’re not interrupting anything. I’ve never seen you before. You new??” She asks.

“I am. I just moved here in the first week of July.” I state.

“Oh cool. I’m Roma. You are??”

“I’m Lexa.”

“Lexa…it’s very nice to meet you.” She says.

“Everyone take your seats and take them carefully because these will be your seats for the rest of the quarter unless told otherwise.” A big booming voice interrupts causing me to snap my head in his direction.

“There is only one new face in this crowd of Children so…who are you?” He asks, making me the center of attention, which I absolutely hate.

“Uhhh Lexa…” I stutter.

“Nice to meet you, uhh Lexa. I am Mr. Lovejoy but you really don’t need the Mr. part. Lovejoy is fine.”

“Okay…nice to meet you too.” I can feel my face flush blood red within seconds.

//

After that the class goes by quickly. He gets right to the point, giving loads of homework and direction. I quite like him. My phone buzzes in my pocket and I sneak a look behind my books. It’s from Clarke.

_Clarke: Left, skip one hallway, right. Left lane, skip two hallways, left, first door on right._

_Clarke: Directions to your next class. Xoxo._

I just smile, thankful for Clarke. Seconds later the bell rings. Wow, she really knows the schedule of this school.

I follow her directions to my next class, and it does get me there. I would have definitely gotten lost. In fact, I get there early. The first kid in fact. I take those few moments before people start flooding in to text Clarke back.

                                                                                _Me: I would have gotten so lost without you. Thanks so much!_

_Clarke: Always._ _J_

Just like expected kids start filing in and so does a teacher looking figure… I hurriedly shove my phone into my pocket and sit up in my uncomfortable cement??? Chair. Pretty sure it’s cement.

“Hey new kid. You’re beautiful.” Some guy says, plopping in the chair next to me. I wish it wouldn’t be rude to move chairs. But that would do exactly what people used to do to me, and I refuse to be that person.

“And you are??” He asks.

“I’m Lexa.” I tell him.

“Cool, cool. You are incredibly beautiful.” He states, trying to get me to make eye contact, but I can’t.

“Carl Emerson. Lexa is mine, get up, or get blown up your choice!” Raven booms, swinging her bag around the back of the chair that he’s sitting on. He quickly gets up and sits at a different desk across the way.

“Don’t worry about him. He’s gross, but he knows I am powerful when in possession of jet fuel.” Raven explains.

“Thanks for that. You know…you aren’t nearly as scary as you pretend to be.” I giggle. “Granted…I have never witnessed you with jet fuel but your leg has and he can’t say much at the moment.” She looks at me with wide eyes… “Oh. My goodness. I am so sorry…” I mumble. Seconds later she bursts out laughing.

“What’s funny??” I ask.

“You! You made a joke about my leg…It…ahhhhaa. You just…you made a joke. I’ve—I’ve been wanting to make those jokes for years—but everyone keeps telling—me, telling me it’s too soon…” She says between cackles.

“Okay, I’m glad you aren’t offended. It just kind of slipped out.” I whisper.

“No, always speak your mind. Especially around me. I can take it. I like it when you have no filter. That was funny Lex.”

“Thanks?? I guess.”

“You’re welcome” She shrugs.

//

_Clarke: Stay right where you are! I’m coming to you!_

_Me: Okay, I’ll be here._

The bell rings and I pack my stuff up, making my way outside the class room. The guy stands right next to me, leaning against the wall while I wait for Clarke.

“Sooo, how’s it going??” He asks.

“Fine” I state quietly, dismissing him.

“So, do you have any friends yet?? Despite that crazy, Raven?”

“I do yeah. She’s not crazy. She’s wonderful.” I hum.

“Sooo, can I get your number then??”

“No thanks. Hey Clarke! Over here.” I call pushing off the wall, walking towards her. She pulls me into a big hug. “I’m dying lexi. I just wanna go homeee, take me home...” She whines.

“Oh, you’ll be okay. We have next class together. I had maths with Raven. Which is good, cause that kid on the wall was being strange.”

She pulls away from me, both hands on my shoulders she scrunches up her eyebrows. “Strange how??”

“He called me a beautiful then raven saved me from having to sit next to him all year. Then he asked if he could have my number. Why would I want to give a stranger my number??” I question.

“He’s trying to get into your pants. He’s just gross. Try your best to stay away from him.” Clarke shrugs. She links her arms in mine and walks us to our next class. English.

//

We didn’t do much in English. We went over something called a syllabus and we made folders for our work. Clarke pulled out stickers and sharpies to decorate our folders with. When someone asked to borrow a sharpie, Clarke turned them down. I felt a little bad, but it’s not my stuff so, I had no say.

I learned we will be reading one book a quarter, which is exciting! Four books a year, I cannot wait to see what we get to read! Clarke giggles at me when I show my excitement about reading, then she pushes my glasses further up on my face and calls me a dork again. No one makes a peep about my glasses. They are something I used to get teased about in school, for my big round glasses, but no one seems to care here. There are even a few kids in this class that wear glasses, and that makes me feel better. The only person to make a remark about them is Clarke, but she’s not mean. I understand now, how she can tease people with good intentions. That was something I didn’t understand when I first moved here. Now I get that it’s the way things are said, and it also depends on who is saying it. I get how she does this all in good humor.

We are given worksheets and a book to work out of for half the class. Answering questions on a pieve of lined paper. The teacher said she won’t let us out if we don’t hand anything in. Can they really do that?? Or is she just saying that because she wants everyone to hand things in? Probably the latter.

“Psst, lexi, what’d you get for number eight??” Clarke whispers, trying to look over at my paper.

“Try it yourself, if it’s not done by the end, I’ll give you the answer okay??” I make a compromise with her.

“Ughh Fine.” Clarke groans.

“Girls quiet. I don’t want to have to have assigned seats so soon in the school year” The teacher warns us.

That shuts Clarke up. She continues working on her page, looking up at me every now and then.

//

We go through our next few classes and lunch together, talking and giggling over Clarkes little jokes and comments about the work, or the teachers, or really anything. I try to get her to be quiet but it’s impossible. She’s an incessant chatter box. She is incapable of shutting her mouth. I finish all my homework at lunch, Clarke finishes two sandwiches and a juice box at lunch.

Once the loudest and longest school bell rings everyone gets out of the chairs at once. Making the worst screeching sound against the tile floors, I can hear the screaming chairs all around me. On the other side of the four walled room I’m in, on the ceiling and the classroom below us. Everyone rushes around, trying to put their stuff in their backs, while simultaneously walking out of the room. Clarke and I just sit there, waiting for everyone to leave so we don’t get trampled.

Once the room is empty we put our chairs up on top of our desks and start walking home. And by home, I mean to Clarkes house. We catch up with raven on the way home, and she asks how our first day went besides Carl Emerson. I tell her about my day, how each class was and what I liked best about it. Clarke told us about her day, how each class went, and all the things she hated about it. And Raven did the same, more following Clarkes, “…and I hated how…” format.

“You guys need to lighten up. I don’t see what’s so bad about school.”

“You’ll see. It’ll take a second, but you’ll see.” Raven deadpans. Walking straight into the house, Clarke follows behind her and I follow behind Clarke. Shutting the door quietly behind me.

“MAMA G, WHERES MA FOOD AT!?” Raven yells, making sure her voice echoes throughout the house. Making me jump slightly at her sudden raise in volume.

“Lovely manners you got there. School is turning my girls into delinquents again so soon??” She murmurs.

“We will always be the delinquents, ma.” Clarke sighs.

“uhh, Delinquents??” I ask.

“Oh yeah. Me, Raven, Octavia, Monty, Miller, Jasper, Maya, Wells, you know…everyone. We are called the delinquents cause we used to get into all sorts of trouble together. Once we got picked up by cops thus giving us the nickname the delinquents. We liked the name, and it stuck.” Clarke explains, smiling.

“Used to.” Raven scoffs.

“Okay, we _do_ get into trouble together.” Clarke repeats, with a more accurate statement this time.

“Here is a before dinner snack. Table, homework, now.” Abby orders.

We all pull our books out, eating snacks and mumbling about our school work. Clarke starts on her art homework first. The assignment is “Green” and it’s quite puzzling how one vague word can start up a whole project for her.

I start on English. The assignment: “Get to know you essay.” Basically an essay about ourselves to allow our teacher to get to know us. And raven starts on sketches for shop class. I guess what we each chose to start on, tells us a lot about ourselves. It’s kinda nice. Working at the same table, eating snacks, and just being in each other presence while working. I like it. I have never heard Raven stop talking for so long. Which is also nice. Her mouth usually runs a mile a minute and gets quite exhausting.

//

About an hour through homework I’m done, just reading over my essay before putting all my homework away. “I’ve always hated the “Who are you” Question. I’M ONLY SIXTEEN I HAVE NO IDEA WHO I AM” Clarke huffs quite loudly.

“Just the superficial stuff Clarke. Where you’re from, what you like to do, hobbies, passions. It’s not that deep.” I giggle.

“I know but still. It’s not her business what my hobbies and passions are, or where I’m from or how I’ve suffered. Her job is to learn us. Not learn ABOUT us.”

“It’s teach us. And I know you don’t like opening up, but who said you have to?? Just the little things. Write it like you are telling it to me. You like art and why, who are your favorite artists. Just the little things. Again, it’s not that deep.

“I can’t wait for this year to be overrrr” Clarke groans.

“Ai hai heda…” I face palm. [Oh my god] “Are you going to do this every day??” I question.

“no..”

“Yes.” Raven over speaks Clarke’s no. Knowing that’s a bright white lie.

I just roll my eyes and wait silently for both girls to finish with their work. I try not to giggle too much at Clarke’s mumbles and grumbles about how much she hates school. It only just began, she can’t hate it yet.

//

We all settle together on the couch with dinner and Netflix. Not even twenty minutes into the show Clarke’s body relaxes entirely and her head falls to my shoulder.

“She likes you ya know??” Raven whispers.

“Hm? What?”

“She likes you. She trusts you. You know how long it took her to trust me enough for her to fall asleep around me? She likes you. I can guarantee you that Clarke is the best thing that will ever happen to you. I know it takes a lot to get over your inner demons. Cough homophobia cough cough. But once you do, never, and I mean never let her go. Understand me??” Her voice is low, trying to keep to a whisper so she doesn’t wake Clarke up, but her tone harsh, her eyebrows scrunched up, making her look angry. But I know she’s not. She’s just trying to be intimidating. Though she didn’t threaten to blow me up this time, I call that progress.

“I can assure you. She doesn’t like me. She’s my friend. My best friend. But, she doesn’t like me.” I scoff turning back to the television.

“I never met someone as blind as you are.” Raven rolls her eyes. “I bet you didn’t even notice all the kids checking you out today?? Cause you are the hottest kid that has stepped foot in that school in like…forever. Besides me and Clarke I mean.”

“Checking me out?? I’m not a library book Raven. You can’t check me out.”

Check me out?? How do you check a person out?? I swear Raven speaks another language.

“I love you kid. I really do.” She laughs.

What is up with them not wanting to explain things to me when I ask. It’s like, I should know?? But I don’t so the least they could do is tell me. But they don’t, and they keep me out of the loop. I think they like keeping me out of the loop. I think Raven finds it amusing.

By now Clarke’s head has moved from my shoulder to my lap, and her feet are slung over the arm of the couch. My hands mindlessly make their way to her hair and she hums with satisfaction, even in her sleep.

I look down at her instead of at the show that has become increasingly less interesting.

I look at her relaxed and peaceful smile, her eyes closed lightly. I can see the little red veins in her eyelids. Every little thing about Clarke makes me smile. She’s beautiful. While I’m sitting here admiring her, every edge on her jaw line, and the bridge of her nose. To the soft curve of her cheeks. I realize how it’s becoming harder to ignore my infatuation. As much as it scares me to stray away from church rules, the thought of pushing the little shudders and the peace my heart feels when I’m with Clarke away hurts even more.

My heart drops thinking about admitting the fact that I like girls to myself, to Clarke, to anyone else I come in contact with. It’s scary, and I never want it to get back to my mother. So, the first person I decide to text about it is Lincoln. He doesn’t talk to Mother, and I know he won’t care.

_Me: I’m gay, and that scares me. I don’t know what to do._

Not even minutes later his reply comes through.

_Lincoln: Get a therapist. You need an unbiased opinion. If you like girls Lexa, that is 100% okay. But, you have to be okay with yourself first. You have to be sure about telling people, and letting people know that this is who you are. You also have to know, that if you go back home, that’s a part of you, you’ll be hiding for the rest of your life, getting married to a man, having children one day. That’s a lot of suffering to endure for mother’s happiness. Keep what’s best for you in mind. Not what’s best for the people around you this time. I’m free after school tomorrow, we should hang out. I’m glad you trusted me enough to come to me with this. Even though you barely know me anymore._

_Me: I didn’t even think about how that would pan out at home…I’ve never been more afraid…_

_Lincoln: It’s a big decision to put such a young child through. You’ve always been strong, I know you can sort this out. It just takes time. It’s Clarke isn’t it??_

_Me: What’s Clarke??_

_Lincoln: The one you looked at and couldn’t help but go “Wow, I’m really fucking gay.” I see the way you look at her. I see the way she looks at you. Let yourself fall for her Lexa, if you don’t she’ll slip away. She’s the good guy in the storyline._

_Me: I don’t know how to do that without hating myself?_

_Lincoln: Let your heart take over. All that ‘think with your head’ bullshit was only to keep you from feeling things they don’t want you to feel, like this... What you feel for Clarke isn’t bad, isn’t gross, or dirty. Its wholesome, and pure, and you are both beautiful young girls. Don’t ever let anyone tell you, you are gross for loving her. Not even yourself. You are your own worst enemy, Snacha._

_Me: So, do I tell her how my heart feels. Or how my head wants me to feel? Or how deep down my head and my heart say the same thing, but My parents voices are in the back of my head telling me I’m gross?_

_Lincoln: Only tell her when you are okay with yourself. Only tell her when your head and your heart are saying the same thing, and in unison. Not deep down, not somewhere, sometime, maybe later. When there is the whole truth and acceptance for yourself. Then tell her. And don’t tell me if she kissed you because unfortunately I’ve seen Clarke kissing people and I don’t wanna invision that with you cause you are my baby sister, and I’d like to keep my brain clean thanks._

_Me: She’s kissed a lot of people hasn’t she..?_

_Lincoln: Not as many as you think. Mostly just drunken, “it meant nothing” kisses. And of course the partners she’s had. Which I’m sure it’s only been Finn so…_

_Me: How come I can’t see what you and practically everyone else sees??_

_Lincoln: Because you don’t want to. You have to want to, but it’s there. I can promise you that._

_Me: Thank you._

_Lincoln: Of course. Text me ten minutes before your school bell rings. I’ll come pick you up. We we’ll hang out. okay??_

_Me: okay._

“I guess we should go to bed. Ya loosing me here kid.” Raven sighs, resting her head on my shoulder.

“Okay. You’re right. Looks like I’m sleeping over huh??”

“Yeah. We better wake Clarke up.” Raven shrugs. Rocking back and forth to gain momentum to push herself up off the couch.

“NO! No, I’ll just carry her. She’ll never go back to sleep if we wake her now.”

“Okay.” Raven smiles.

I scoot myself out from under Clarkes head carefully. It’s like playing human Jenga. She groans, making grabby hands for my shirt and I slide my arms underneath her. Underneath her knees and behind her back. I lift her up and she buries her face in my neck. Clutching at the collar of my shirt. I begin my wobbly climb up the stairs as, she may be small, but she’s actually quite dense.

I set her down in her bed, taking her paint splattered jeans off because I know how she hates to sleep in pants. Surprisingly, throughout all of the commotion she stays asleep, she rolls all the way over until she is flush against the wall.

I turn to go sleep on the couch because I don’t want to crawl into her own bed without permission.

“Nooo, nooo, no, don’t go away.” Clarke grumbles.

“okay.” I smile. She holds open her blanket open for me to slide in.

“You are now deemed my cuddle buddy. So, that if you are ever hesitant to get into my bed, don’t be cause you give the best cuddles, and I always want them. Understood??” She slurs, moving my hair out of her face.

“Yes, understood.” I laugh.

////

I wake up an hour earlier than Clarke’s alarm is set to go off. That gives me time, to take a chill pill. I untangle myself from Clarke’s limbs before making my way downstairs, I brew coffee for the house. Because everyone here drinks coffee like it’s going out of style. I steal some of Clarke’s clothes because there is no way I am going to wear the same thing I wore yesterday to school.

Clarke’s clothes are a little big on me. Actually, a lot big on me. She has wider hips, so the sweats I’m wearing are falling down; even with the draw strings tied all the way tight. And her shirts are super baggy on me as well, because well…I don’t have boobs. I mean, I have boobs, just not nearly as much boob as Clarke has. I pull my hair up in a tight bun, and comb the fly aways back.

Once my boots are on, I definitely don’t look like me anymore. I don’t know why I feel like I don’t look right, but I don’t. But I am extremely comfortable and that’s all that matters I guess.

Clarke jolts awake from the annoying buzzing of her alarm clock, and she rubs her eyes awake before stretching much like a cat would.

“Morning Sunshine.” I smile, cruelly pulling the blankets off of her so she will actually get out of bed.

“It’s too cold Lexa please!!”

“No, it’s time for school. Get dressed. Let’s go. There is coffee waiting for you downstairs.” I smile, taking hold of her ankles and pulling them so her legs hang off the edge of the bed.

“What would I do without you??” Clarke mumbles. Throwing her hand over her eyes to block the light.

“Probably be late for school, that’s what.”

“Okay, I’m up.” She stands up and drags her feet as she walks into the bathroom.

//

Clarke makes side eyes at everyone we pass, and I don’t know why. Does she just hate everyone, or is there a reason she’s making evil eyes at everyone?? I don’t understand how people can find her intimidating. I mean, come on. She’s like…the equivalent to a puppy in a tiny sweater. Even if she does look mean, she’s really the opposite.

“Are you okay? Why do you look like you want to kill every person we walk by?” I question.

“Because you’re turning heads, and I don’t like it.”

“I’m huh??”

“You’re turning heads. Almost everyone in our grade is already talking about the ‘Hot new chick.’ I don’t like that.”

“Really?? Who is she?” I question cocking my head to the side like a confused dog.

“Jesus fuck Lexi. It’s you. You!” Clarke growls.

“No, that’s wrong. They’re not talking about me.”

////

Every morning school morning starts off the same way. Clarke rolls her eyes and throws daggers at people with her eyes as we walk down the halls to our class. I can’t help but laugh as the closer it gets to something called ‘Homecoming’ Clarke gets more grumpy, I don’t know what a homecoming is, or why it upsets her so much, but it really does.

Our friendship is evolving quicker than expected. We spend almost all of our free time together. She plays me songs on her guitar, and sometimes I sing along. She tells me we should sing together more. Because she likes the mixture of our voices. Mine smooth and hers thick and raspy. She adopts the brightest smile when I tell her I’d like that. We walk down the hallways, the streets, the sidewalks, everywhere we walk, it is almost certain that her hand is in mine.

She walks me to every class, even if hers is on the other end of the school. She leaves me off with a quick hug and she kisses the tip of her pointer finger and touches the tip of my nose with it before whispering “boop.” She giggles and runs off to her next class, trying to make it there before the bell rings. She makes it a game. Texting me, “Made it!!” Or sometimes. “Didn’t make it, but slipped in unnoticed. I’m stealthy haha.”

Every one whispers about us behind our backs. I’ve heard the rumors, some say we’re dating and some say we will be. The whispers, rumors, and giggles, used to terrify me. Bringing me back to when people would make fun of me in school back home. But, they don’t scare me anymore. Whispering about someone you don’t even know is, and always will be rude, but it’s just that. They don’t know me, and they don’t know Clarke. So, I don’t take it personally. Clarke taught me that. Clarke has taught me so much.

August slowly but surely merges into September, and as the summer goes away everyone starts taking the school bus to school, clad in hats and scarves, big fluffy coats, and pink noses. Clarke and I have gotten into the habit of staying over at each other’s houses, even on school nights. If she stays over at mine we walk quickly to the coffee shop, then to school. (Clarke has turned me on to the flavored coffees this shop has. Can you believe that?? I can’t.) If we stay over at hers, Abby drives us all.  Raven and Octavia have been having more and more sleepovers too. Becoming more outwards with their relationship. They make a cute couple.

Clarke and I always do homework together, she helps me on my weak spots and I help her on hers. Since school started she’s been writing more songs. Sometimes I catch little glimpses of them before she notices I’m there and stops. I love listening to her play her guitar, and sing songs she wrote herself.

Lincoln put me on his medical insurance and helped me find a therapist to go to, to help with the transition of living situations, to help with teaching me to be okay with who I am, instead of resenting myself.

We are making it a tradition to go out to different coffee shops and LGBT centers around the east coast, to take pictures of all the beautiful people we see. Talking with them, about everything from their favorite color to their life story. I have never been happier. Going into the LGBT centers has definitely changed me as a person. You enter someone’s safe space, where they go to be accepted, and loved, and treated with respect. Because the majority of the kids that go there, don’t get that at home. That is something I can sympathize with.  As soon as you step foot in that environment you are immediately welcomed, and cared for. Even if they don’t know a thing about you. You get hugged by everyone, and their positive energy is very contagious.

 I met this one girl called Fox, she taught me so much. She took the time to explain to me her identity. What the words meant and she helped me put words to mine. Telling me what everyone else I have met in DC has told me. It’s okay to be attracted to the same sex. It’s more than okay it’s amazing. The people I meet in these centers are so unashamedly themselves, loud about it and inspiring. Fox said that if she were able to go back and chose if she were to be queer or not. She would pick queer over and over for as long as she could. She says the hate you receive is slowly diminished and becomes minuscule compared to the love, acceptance, and support you receive from the community. She told me she had to build her own family, because her family wouldn’t accept her for who she is, but she has a family within her friends now, and she couldn’t be more happy with how life turned out for her.

The people I have met along the way are truly inspiring and I couldn’t be more glad to belong to a community like this one. I haven’t told Clarke yet, even though I’m sure she already knows. I want to do what Lincoln said, and make sure I am 100% okay with myself, before I put it all the way out there. I still have the inner struggle, the self-hate that comes along with the years of things I’ve been taught and heard from my parents and the adults around me. I cannot wait for the struggle and the hate to dissipate.

I’ve decided to write my presentation on this subject. We were given an assignment to write a piece, about anything you want, but it has to be informative, and something they stress all the time. ‘School appropriate.’ I ran it by my English teacher, she approved my topic and even told me she’d help put my pictures together into a slide show for my presentation. I didn’t think I’d take to writing as much as I have. I didn’t think it would mean so much to me, but it does. Clarke made me a journal, and the cover page says “Life is about more than just surviving;” With a semi colon instead of a period so I can continue the sentence within the book itself. I take with me everywhere. I’m always writing in it.

I can’t wait to present it, even though I’m super nervous. Stress has always spurred me on, made me fight harder. No matter how scared I am, I’ll get through it.

I think about home every day. I think about Aden mostly. How big he must have gotten. How he feels that I haven’t written him a letter since his birthday. I hope one day he will understand that there are just some things I can’t tell Nomon, and there are things I want to tell him but I can’t tell him without her finding out.

While lying in bed, this Saturday. It’s lunchtime and I still haven’t gotten out of bed. I think about a way to get Aden here, to visit for a little while. I call the English family that lives really close to my farm. Maybe they will deliver a message to Anya for me.

 _‘Hello??’_ A woman picks up the phone.

“Hi, uhm. This is Leksa kom trikru. My family lives on the farm down the road from yours. I used to bring you banana pudding every Sunday.”

‘ _Oh Lexa!! Hi dear, how are you??’_

“I’m good, thanks. How are you??” I reply.

‘ _Very well dear thank you.’_

“Of course. Uhm, my sister Anya delivers the pudding every Sunday right??”

‘ _yes’_

“Well, I was wondering if you get a message to her.”

‘ _Oh sure. Let me find a pen real quick’_ I can hear the woman put the phone down and rummage around somewhere for a pen. Seconds later she comes back. ‘ _Okay, I’m ready.’_ She states, I can hear her smile over the phone.

“District C apartments. 1855. Bring Aden.” I say, my voice cracking from nervousness because I am asking Anya to disobey. To lie, and bring Aden into it too. But I need to see them.

‘ _Okay dear, I’ll give it to her. Anything else??”_ she questions.

“Yes, you cannot breathe a word of this to my mother and father okay? I’m sorry to bring you into this too, but they can’t know.”

‘ _It’s fine honey. I won’t say a thing.’_

“Thank you so much. Have a good rest of your weekend.”

‘ _You too.’_

We say our goodbyes and I hang up the phone. I pacing my room thinking…Do you think Anya will betray me, and tell our parents? Or do you think she’ll come by? I really hope the latter. I ask myself these questions and I have no way to answer them than to wait to see this week if she comes to visit.

I get up and out of bed. Today Clarke and I are going to the planetarium. She brings blankets and snacks. We sit in the chairs and talk, looking up at the stars. We sit in the same seats every single time. Clarke rests her head on my shoulder, and I rest my head atop hers. We can sit like that for hours in silence. Looking up at the projected stars, just being there with each other. Away from phones, and texts, and media updates. Away from everything except the stars and each other.

A lot can change in three months. Three months ago, I was scared to be me. I said the stars held no significance to me. Now they hold everything. Memories that I’ll never forget. Clarke and I talk about everything under the familiarity of these stars. They are our safety net, we are each other’s safety net. The stars know more about me than my own parents do. Clarke knows more about me than my own family does. And she doesn’t hate me for anything she knows, if anything, she loves me more for my flaws. Learning that I am nowhere near as perfect as she originally thought. 

When she first opened the door to Bellamy’s party, a red cup in her hand, her hair curled and wild. Wearing black jeans, a v neck t-shirt and a pair of boots. Her smile lighting up the darkened house. My heart palpitations told me I’d be in trouble. I didn’t know trouble meant love, and I truly thought she was perfect in every way. Her body flawless, her makeup done to perfection, and her outfit (from what I was taught) screamed rebel. It comforted me to learn she wasn’t perfect. She’s been broken and bruised literally and figuratively just as much, if not more, than I have. And that makes her more perfect in my eyes than anything in this world. Because she is here still, and smiling, and a caring person. After everything she has been through I can understand that to be hard. But she does it, and I couldn’t be more happy about it. because without her, my life wouldn’t be the same.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback is always welcome, and appreciated. Please stay safe little beans!!


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> God I feel like this is a mess.  
> It's not beta'd. I had such a hard time with this.  
> Writing Lexa with someone else was too much I couldn't do it, so it ended pretty much as soon as it started.  
> I hope you like this. I should be getting back to updating faster like I used to. I just haven't been feeling very inspired lately.

“Sooo, Lexi! It’s almost homecoming. Ya know what that means!?” Clarke asks with excitement. I thought she didn’t like the thought of homecoming; weeks ago she seemed so uninterested, the mention of homecoming made her grumpy. Why is she excited now?

“No, because I have no idea what a homecoming is??”

“It’s a school dance thing…I don’t know. Gonna go with anyone?” Clarke questions.

“I wasn’t going to go. I’m not asking anyone. So, I won’t go.” I shrug.

“What if someone asks you though?”

“They won’t.”

“Come on Lex, the whole school has a crush on you, boys and girls alike. Someone is bound to ask you.

“I think you are exaggerating greatly. I’m not going, I’ll have homework, and that one English assignment.” I state firmly.

“Well, Raven and I always go together. If you change your mind, you’re always welcome to come with us.”

“Thanks for the offer, Clarke.”

She just nods, before she pulls me in for a hug and we split off to go to our respective classes.

I wonder why she was so sure someone was going to ask me? I’m not like a known popular kid in school. No one knows me, and I definitely don’t look the fit of ‘popular kid’.  I don’t really like socializing at school, some of the kids can be a little more than a little rude and the boys are pretty gross. The whole hallway that leads to the boys locker rooms smell like sweaty feet. I’ve lived my whole life with boys and none of them have ever, ever smelled that bad, and they do farm work. _That_ says something.

I walk into my fourth period class and I plop my seat next to Roma. She puts down her book like she does every time I arrive. Whether it be first period or fourth, no matter where she is in her book. She puts it down to talk to me. It makes me smile.

“Hey Lexa.” She greets with a smile, and a small wave.

“Hi, new book today?” I question. She holds up the cover so I can see it.

“Oh---t—A book with Amish Characters..”

“Mhmm!” She exclaims. “Why so stunned??”

“Oh, I’m not stunned. I just didn’t know you were interested in things like the Amish.” I state, trying to keep my cool, but Clarke has told me I have no poker face.

“Well, yeah. I love learning about all kinds of different cultures. My mom and I go to the Amish market all the time. She _always_ buys furniture there. My favorite are the Rocking chairs. I have one in my reading corner in my bedroom!!” She smiles, speaking so enthusiastically about us. My first day here I got so many rude comments, so hearing this feels nice.

“That’s awesome.”

“Yeah. Plus I love seeing all the little kids in their little outfits running around the market, they are so cute!”

“Indeed they are. Amish make all their cloths by hand. Imagine the struggle with growing children! Hand-me-downs are a really big thing that happens. It works well with big families.”

“I didn’t know you were so interested in Amish culture too.”

“Yeh, you have noo idea.” I raise my eyebrows.

“So, Lexa. Are you going to homecoming??” Roma questions, changing the subject.

“No.” I shrug my shoulders, “I don’t dance.”

“Oh…do you know anyone that is going??”

“Yeah, my friends Clarke and Raven. They go together every year apparently. But I don’t want to intrude on their night. Also, I’ve got homework and stuff so I can’t.”

“Oh…well—cause…I was asking because I wanted to know if you wanted to go with me…maybe???” She stutters.

“wha—huh?? Y-you’re asking me?? Me? To the dance? A-as like a date??” I mutter, fiddling my thumbs and looking to my lap to try and hide the blush on my cheeks.

“Well, yeah. You’re new here, and you’re—I mean look at you, you’re gorgeous and since we talk in every class we have together I thought maybe you’d wanna---go. With. Me??.”

“Oh…okay. Sure, I’ll go with you.” I smile. My stomach drops over and over and I find maybe saying yes wasn’t a good idea. But I mean, I really like Roma. She’s really nice, and fun to talk too. Maybe it’ll be fun. And like Clarke said…I’ll have her if things go wrong.

                                                                                _Me: Just got asked to home coming…I said yes because I didn’t want to make things awkward…Now I just feel awkward._

I shoot the text off to Clarke, I’m seriously going to need help with this. Coping with the stress, and getting something to wear, and feeling okay with going with a girl to a dance. I think it’ll be good for me, to go out and about with a friend that’s a girl. Just because it’s called a date, doesn’t actually mean a date, date right?? Just like…a date to the dance. Someone to go with…

“For serious!? Wow, I never thought you’d actually say yes! Okay well….homecoming is the seventeenth which is this Saturday night. Where should I pick you up??”

“I’ll write it down for you.” I smile, ripping a small piece of paper out of my binder.

She takes the paper and looks at it. “Oh yeah, I know exactly where this is. So, you can ask your mom if it’s okay for me to come get you. Here is my number.” She says, writing it on a torn piece of paper from her books.

“Oh, I don’t—I uh…mmmm. I live alone. You can pick me up.” Once I get it out, her head whips in my direction.

“You live alone!? You’re sixteen!”

“I am…” I nod.

“Are you an orphan??” Asking that question incredibly insensitively.

“No.” I state.

“Then how do you live alone??”

“I don’t think that’s your business. Don’t push on something. If a child lives alone, it’s probably a sensitive issue.” I state. Scrunching up my face, showing my frustration. I hate it when people probe. Clarke never asks. She just always okay with things. I told her I live alone and she just said ‘okay’ like it’s no big deal. Because really, it isn’t. Also, it was none of Roma’s business to push like that. It makes me feel weird…like I stand out. I really hate standing out.

“Oh…I’m sorry I didn’t mean—I’m sorry.” Roma says her voice quiet, and trembling a little.

_Clarke: OH SNAP! THAT WAS QUICK!! I TOLD YOU, SOMEONE WOULD ASK. Wait…who asked?_

_Me: Roma, except she was already rude about me living alone…she pushed for an explanation and it made me uncomfortable. Home coming will be a complete and utter nightmare._

_Clarke: Rude as shit. Don’t go with her._

_Me: What?? You’re sending me mixed messages about this Clarke._

_Clarke: …I just want what’s best for you. And someone who want’s and explanation for something personal like that is not what’s best for you._

_Me: How do you know what is best for me??_

_Clarke: You’re right. I apologize. Just, be careful. I care about you is all._

“Who you texting??” Roma questions.

“Uhh, my best friend.” I answer hesitantly.

The bell rings for class dismissal and I realize that I was talking to Roma, and Clarke the entire class instead of actually paying attention… I’m screwed.

I can hear my mother’s mantra in my head. “School, work, and church, not dates, school, work, and church not dates.” She made it into a song, for my brothers, because they were more apt to have dates but still…I cannot help but hear it.

I pack my stuff up and start on my way to lunch.

I really like lunch because the entire ‘Delinquents’ group sits, and fills up one table. They’re the nicest, and most inclusive table at lunch. We eat and play card games, they play this one game called cards against humanity, except I have to be on someone’s team because the game uses a lot of slang words that I am unfamiliar with. I’m usually on Clarke’s team. Sometimes Raven, but not often because Clarke usually puts dibs on me quicker.

////

_Roma 10:15am:  Are we still good for homecoming tonight??_

_Me: Yes, What time will you be here??_

_Roma: 7:00p.m. is that okay??_

_Me: Of course. I’ll see you then._

I sent off the last text and put my phone in my pants pocket so I can continue making breakfast.

And the second I place my plate down on the counter someone knocks at my door. I roll my eyes, figuring it’s probably Emori, or Clarke, Lincoln even. Sometimes I like to be alone, to eat alone, and watch television alone. Neither of those people really understand that, as much as I love them…

Swinging the door open before I even see who it is I begin speaking. “Really I just wanna be—oh…my god…Anya!!” I pull her into a hug, and my eyes tear up seeing how tall Aden has already gotten and from missing my sister.

He’s standing right next to me his tiny hand in Anya’s it looks like Anya snatched him right up off the farm. He has dried mud on his arms and pants. He looks up at me all blonde eye lashes and green eyes. His smile is something I have missed greatly.

“Hi little man…I told you we would see each other soon.” I kneel down to his level and hold my arms out for a hug. 

“It’s been a year Leksa…” He says seriously, crossing his arms.

“It has not you goof. Do I get a hug or what??” I smile.

“Finneee” He gives in, smiling up at me.

“Ugh, I missed you guys so much. How has school been Aden??”

“It’s been fine. Except Anya is really bad at maths and can’t help me like you can.” He states, giving Anya a nasty glare that we can only laugh at cause he’s just too cute.

I invite them in and Aden runs around the apartment and plays around with the t.v, while Anya and I sit at the island table and eat my cold breakfast and talk about all the things I’ve missed.

And man, I have missed so much. Aden started up school in august as well, and he is apparently doing very well and is already in the top of his Class. The other boys are goofy and wild as always, loving one less girl in the house, which isn’t surprising. Anya and mom don’t like not having me around to help out, but they get the job done, they always do. I’m glad to know Anya misses me. She’s always been my one of my best friends.

Before Aden was born we did everything together. After lunch we would always go play on the stacks of hay out in the farm. We would push them around and make little houses out of it. Even if we got yelled at for getting our clothes muddy afterwards. We would hold each other’s hand and try not to giggle while Mother was yelling at us. Anya always made getting in trouble fun.

“You’ve told me all the new stuff with everyone but you Ahn.” I state, leaning over the counter a little, resting my head in my palms.

“Oh, there really isn’t anything new with me.” She sighs.

“Come on, there is always something new. Spill Anya.” I smile.

“You always know when something is up huh??”

“Of course, we’re sisters.”

“I have a boyfriend.” She mumbles.

“Is that a bad thing?? You don’t sound happy. Nomon would be happy.”

“He’s English.”

“Oh.” I’m stunned, I’m actually stunned speechless. Anya has always disobeyed and hated the Amish rule. But I didn’t know she was ballsy enough to date a non-Amish, while she was still with the church…and she’s already been baptized…I’m so shocked right now.

“Yeah. Do you think I’m screwed Snacha??” She asks. Her voice low, careful so Aden doesn’t hear her. Because he is only seven, he repeats everything. It was already a big gamble coming to see me.

“That depends. Do you plan on marrying him??”

“I don’t know. I mean, we haven’t been dating that long, but I do like him... I like him a lot kiddo.” She crosses her arms and leans back in the chair.

“Well, I guess see how things pan out with him before y’know…leaving our family for good.”

“Yeah, I guess you’re right. So…just wait it out?? See if marrying him is an option before telling our parents??”

“Yes. Make sure you’ll have family to go to… you know.” I smile.

“I understand…thanks Lexa.”

“Of course. Hey Ahn I have a question…since you’ve always been very Anti-Amish rules. How do you feel about Gay people??” I inquire. Hoping she doesn’t answer something I don’t want to hear.

“I don’t really know. I guess it doesn’t really matter, as long as you love each other, and care for one another, does gender really matter??? Is gender really anything other than a box humans put each other into?? Boys girls, both neither, everyone, whoever you love Lexa…I will always love you, regardless.” 

“H-how’d you know…know that i-I was talking about me??” I stutter, my palms get sweaty and my face heats up from nervousness.

“We’re sisters. I know you Lexa. Plus…I’ve known, you’re not good at hiding your love for people—for Costia. You’re eyes show everything, even if your expression doesn’t.” Anya giggles.

“So, that’s what my friends mean when they say heart eyes.” I whisper. Thinking back to all those times Octavia called her commander heart eyes.

“Probably.” Anya whispered back.

“How long are you staying Ahn?” I question, looking at Aden watching the television. He found Disney channel.

“Kickin us out already kid??” Anya jokes.

“No, no, no. Just curious is all. There is always room for you guys here. I just have a thing to go to tonight, but you an Aden can stay here, watch t.v. eat all my food.” I smile, hoping they stay.

“Yeah…we will stay. We will leave tomorrow, I don’t want aden to miss school.”

“Agreed. Alright well, want to go out do something?? There is a trampoline park a few blocks away from here.”

“A what??”

“Let me just show you guys. Do you want to change out of that??”

Anya shrugs her shoulders to that question, I take her back into my room and pull out clothes that would fit her. We have very similar builds so most things I own would fit her. I guess it’s just a matter of what she would wear.

Anya picks out all black clothes. Jeans, a black sublime band shirt, and a leather jacket that Clarke gave me.

“That aesthetic suits you.”

“Thanks, I like it too. I wore stuff like this on my Rumspringa too. We really aren’t that different kiddo.”

I smile at that. I’ve always wanted to be like my older sister. I’ve always looked up to her, and wanted to do everything she did. I followed her every move for as long as I can remember. It makes me happy that I am still like her without her direction.

Once she changes we grab Aden and head towards the trampoline park.

Seeing Aden’s face upon entering was the best thing ever.

“Leksa, Leksa, Chek ai au, Chek ai au!! Jumpy, bounce, flippy weeeee” He yells, giggling his way through his sentences. I can’t help but smile, laugh, feel content with life. [Lexa, Lexa, look at me, look at me!!]

Anya was a little more hesitant to jump. She kept questioning whether it would break under her or not. Or if she was going to get hurt. I was the same way when the delinquents first took me here, but then Clarke taught me how to do flips and tricks, and now I can’t get enough of this place.

“It’s safe I promise. Just jump a little first. You don’t have to flip around if you don’t want to.”

“Okay…” she says, stepping onto the trampoline pad, she starts bouncing. Slowly at first, building up her height. The higher she gets the more smiley she gets, and I can’t say one thing. I haven’t seen her smile like that in a very, very long time. It warms my heart, being a family outside of the farm. It’s a strange, new feeling, but not unwelcome. I am loving every minute of today.

We spend hours there, I even bought lunch there and after we continued jumping around. On our way home, aden fell down a few times because he wasn’t used to not being on a trampoline anymore. He talked the whole way home about how much fun he had, and if we could go back tomorrow. Me an anya were sporting pretty hefty headaches and we had no doubt that he was too. He just works around it so easily.

When we get home Anya makes us tea to help with our headaches and she makes dinner too. It’s nice to not have to make dinner for myself. that is one thing I’ve missed about being home. Is making Large dinners and eating with the family. Instead I taught myself how to make servings for one, and ate in front of the television most nights.  I cant tell you how much I have missed these two.

At around 6:30 I get ready for homecoming and Anya does my makeup. When she was on her Rumspringa she made friends with an aspiring makeup artist who taught her everything she knows about makeup. So now she is so very good at it.

A knock at the door sounds through my apartment pretty promptly at 7:00p.m. Roma is wearing a black dress. It’s long and flowy and little sparkly around the chest area. She definitely looks beautiful. I wasn’t expecting her to wear something so…so feminine. She is usually a sweatpants and hoodie kind of girl.

“You look very nice.” I smile.

She clears her throat and her eyes snap up to meet mine. “Wow…you look amazing Lexa.” She stutters. I blush and looks down at our feet.

“You ready??” She asks.

“Mhmm” I nod.

I wave goodbye to Anya and Aden and they wave bye back. With that I grab my keys and head out the door. Closing it tightly behind me.

“Did you have a good day??” Roma asks, making conversation so the car ride there isn’t awkwardly silent.

“I had a fabulous day. My older sister, and baby brother came to visit me today. I took them to the trampoline park. They had never ever been before. It was a lot of fun.” I explain.

“Oh how nice!! Where did they visit from??”

“Pennsylvania.” I state vaguely. Still not wanting her to know I am Amish. If I tell her Lancaster, she would be able to guess.

“Ahh cool, cool. Is that where the rest of your family is?”

“Yes, Mom, dad, and six other brothers.” I laugh.

“Oh shit, big family.” She says, raising her eyebrows.

“Indeed. I love it though. I don’t know what I would do without them if I’m honest.”

“I’m an only child. I used to ask my mom to make more babies. Not understanding she needed a man for that part.” Roma giggled.

“I mean, if she really wanted more kids, she could adopt. My mother adopted the older ones.  The little ones including myself, she carried but all the eldest were adopted.”

“Oh, well my mother doesn’t want children that aren’t biologically hers. Which I think is really fucking shitty but whatever.” Roma shrugs.

When we get to the school everyone is in pretty clothes, and high heels. The girls, and some boys have a face full of makeup on, Including Roma. I just have a simple black dress, with something Anya called a “Smokey eye because it really makes the green pop!” Meanwhile I just think I look like a raccoon, as always… and something else she called a ‘nude lip’ which I don’t understand because my lips aren’t nude, they have something on them…so????

When we get in the gym its decorated with lights and different colored paper strings things [streamers] and sparkly stars hanging from the ceiling. There’s a music station set up to the right and food and drinks to the left. Tables everywhere and a dane floor cleared away, right in front of the speakers.

I look around, trying to see if Clarke is here yet…I catch a glimpse of her shiny blonde hair under the lights. Once sees me she stops walking all together…looking at me, my stomach drops. Her dress is simple too. A super dark blue color, that contrasts well with her alabaster skin. It’s short, stopping right above her knees and the further down my eyes travel, the more she smiles. I smile too when I see she’s swearing sneakers. 

It’s her turn, eyes traveling, trying not to miss anything. It feels like time stopped. Like Roma didn’t just link our hands together when she saw Clarke looking at me. Like raven’s arm isn’t linked into Clarke’s. Like no one else is in this room but us…I kind of wish that were the case in this moment.

Once her eyes travel down, I lift up the bottom of my floor length dress. Showing her my shoes. She laughs silently. “Always those damn boots.” She mouths from across the gym. I laugh out loud, that’s when Roma pulls me away, guiding me along to a table in the middle of the gym.

We sit down, and wait for whomever to come out and give some speech about something, or someone I don’t know, I wasn’t paying attention.

//

“Eww rae look. She’s being possessive. Lexa doesn’t look like she’s having fun right?? She looks uncomfortable right??” I ask raven. Looking over at Lexa and Roma’s table. Roma has her arm around Lexa, who is sitting there stiff, looking at her hands, fiddling with her thumbs. She does that when she’s uncomfortable.

“I guess??? Clarke, stop being jealous lets just have fun, okay??”

“I’m not jealous Raven. I’m just concerned is all.”

“Right…concerned.” Raven scoffs.

Later when the music starts playing and people get up to dance, Roma and Lexa make their way over to dance too.

“She’s not happy.” I mumble to myself. Watching them slow dance…

“That really should be you ya know” Raven says, making me feel worse then I already do.

“What? No. She would have never said yes to me.”

“Yes she would have.” Raven nods. “Do you not see the way she looks at you, the way you both stopped in your tracks when you saw each other…what does that tell you asshole?”

“That we were shocked about each other’s clothes. That’s it.” I shrug.

“Clarke you’re so stupid. She said yes to Roma because you told her you’d be here that’s it. She doesn’t know Roma, Roma doesn’t know her. They just happen to sit next to each other and talk about the weather. She likes the fuck out of you, and if she wasn’t Amish, you would have gotten laid already. By arguably the hottest chick in school. You’re hot, she’s never seen you in a dress before. She likes you, you can see it in her eyes dumbass. Do you even look at her eyes, do know what color those fuckers are???” Raven says quickly going on a little rant.

“Green. Like…the heart of the forest.” I hum.

“Bitch, that’s some gay poetry shit… You’re in love! Dear god, I’ve lost you already. So how about this. After this song. You get your ass out of this chair, stop moping around, AND FUCKING ASK HER TO DANCE. Slow dance, fast dance, silly dance, fuck I don’t care if it’s the cha cha slide. Ask her to dance. Then after just kiss her, she wants it but she’s scared. I am so sick of watching you two love sick puppies dance around each other. She’s scared, you’re gonna have to make the first move no matter what. Look its ending now, go, go, go!” Raven exclaims tipping my out of my chair and pushing me towards Lexa’s table.

Once Lexa sits down I hesitantly walk over to her.

“H-hey.” I smile.

“HI!” Lexa waves, pulling out a chair for me to sit, and Roma side eyes her.

“I actually came to uhh…ask if uhh, you wanted to dance the next song with me?”

Lexa looks to Roma for permission, Roma just looks to her lap, not answering. So Lexa looks back up at me and nods her yes. I smile, happy that maybe ravens plan will work. I don’t think I’m going to kiss her though. I cant….even though I have been craving to do so since I opened that door.

“One second.” Lexa says, standing up she runs over to the DJ booth. Talking to him for a second. I can see him nod, and click a few things on his computer before Lexa comes running back over.

Once I hear the beginning to the song, I smile. Of course… past lives. The first song she ever heard me sing.

She rests her hands on my waist, pulling me closer to her. I rest mine on her shoulders.

“I wanted to dance with you the moment I saw you.” Lexa says smiling.

“Why didn’t you come ask??” I question.

“Because I didn’t know I was allowed to dance with anyone else except who I came with..”

“Oh, you’re allowed to do whatever you like Lexa.”

“I didn’t know…You look beautiful Clarke. You don’t even have to try…”

“You too Lexa. Also, I’m going to need to have a chat with whoever did your makeup because it’s on point.” I giggle.

“My sister and baby brother snuck away to visit me… They’re at home right now. waiting for me.”

“And you’re here!? Don’t you want to be with them??”

“Of course I do. But I didn’t want to cancel. I wanted to see you.” _Raven was right…she was just here cause I told her I was coming._

“Oh…”

“Yeah”

“What about Roma?”

“She’s pushy… I just…I wanted to try it out. A girl I mean… I wanted to try taking a girl on a date, see how people around us acted. It’s like, no one noticed.”

“Were you planning on doing anything with her?” I ask, now realizing my jelousy…oops.

“No.” She shakes her head, looking down at me. Swaying back and forth to the music, I look back over to where Roma was, and she’s not there. Looking around the gym, I don’t see her anywhere.

I wrap my arms around Lexa and rest me head on her shoulder, she rests her head on top of mine.

“Clarke…” She mumbles.

“Yes??”

“Will—would you uh… would you go on a date with me??” she asks, catching me completely off guard.

I look at her with wide eyes, actually stunned.

I nod before I miss my chance, before she freaks out because I didn’t say anything. I nod when the word yes doesn’t come out of my mouth fast enough.

“Do you want to leave?? I’ll walk you home.” I smile.

“Do you want to meet my brother and sister Clarke??”

“I’d love too.”

“Aden is going to love you. Anya…might threaten you, like raven did me. But you’ll get along after a little bit. Get good with Aden, and win her heart by making him laugh.” She giggles, grabbing my hand and lacing our fingers together. Raven winks at us when as we leave the gym, I just giggle. Still not understanding what just happened. We walk to her house hand in hand, she tells me about taking her siblings to the trampoline park and I laugh at  her stories.

Once we get up to her apartment she opens the door and there is a very cute blonde boy with her same forest green eyes looking back at us. “Leksa!! You’re home!!” He screams. Running and jumping on her, giving her the biggest hug for such a little guy.

“I am home! Hey little man.” Lexa smiles, hugging him back.

“This is not the same girl who picked you up… I like this one better, she’s prettier, and has my hair color…” Aden explains to her.

“She does have your hair color…you’re right. How cool is that!?”

“Pretty cool if you ask me.” He says, looking over at me.

A girl with beautiful long black hair comes out of the bathroom, freezing in place when she sees us.

“Lexa, there is a very beautiful blonde, with a very short dress on standing in your living room…” She states robotically.

“I know Anya. This is Clarke.”

“Ohhhh the one that made you realize how gay you are. I understand now… Ya did good kid.” At that I blush, basically setting my face on fire.

“ANyaaa!” Lexa whines.

“What?? It’s my job to embarrass you.” Anya laughs.

She walks over and stands right in front of me. “I don’t know you, but if you ever, or even think of hurting her…I will capture you, torture you, and cut off your head with a saw. Understand me??” She growls.

My heart thumps against my ribcage because I very much believe her. “Yes. I understand, and I won’t hurt her. Never intentionally. Wouldn’t dream of it.” I inform her.

Now it’s Lexa’s turn to blush, clearly embarrassed by her sister.

“Anya, that is so rude…” Aden scolds her. She just laughs.

“Sorry my dude.”

 

I end up spending the night there. We talk and watch movies all night. Aden falls asleep on me after a while. I sit there with his head on my lap, my fingers in his hair. He really is adorable. He looks like Lexa in some ways, and not in others. I love observing Lexa with her family. She’s loud and silly. She’s not nervous or stuttery like she usually is. I love seeing her feel comfortable. I started this night feeling shitty. Seeing Lexa with someone else made my stomach hurt. Ending the night with her asking me out, then taking me to meet her siblings. It went from 0-100 really fast. I am so glad.

Let’s just hope I don’t wake up in a bath tub full of ice and all my organs are gone because Anya gives off that sort of vibe.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, do you think Anya should get in trouble when she gets back home??  
> What about Aden, how should he act when leaving?
> 
> Also, completely unrelated question.  
> I tend to write other things, when I'm not adding to my two stories on here because I get other ideas then I cant write anything else until I get my other ideas onto paper. So I wrote an angst, in third person. I suck at both of those things, so I tried it. I don't know how good it is but i'd be willing to post the first chapter, see the response it gets. If sad and angsty is your thing. let me know.  
> I was crying while writing it...cause i'm a marshmallow. 
> 
> Anyways. Stay safe my little Planetariums!!!!


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow I am so sorry that this took so long. But here I am. Back on track.   
> I didn't even edit this much less have it beta'd. All mistakes are mine.   
> Keep in mind I am a Dyslexic writer. Some spelling mistakes might be silly, but I cant tell I've made the mistake until I've read It five times and I don't feel like doing that at the moment.

“NO, NO!! I DON’T WANNA LEAVE. IM NOT READY…PLEASEE” Aden screams. His eyes puffy and red, kicking and screaming reaching out for Lexa. It’s heart breaking to see this. The once happy giggly little boy turned into a sobbing, screaming mess because he doesn’t want to leave. Anya carries him out anyways. We walk them down to the lobby and Lexa hugs them both one last time.

Trying to hold back her own tears.

“Don’t come back here, you understand? When you get in trouble Ahn, tell them I sent for you. I told you too. It wasn’t your idea to take Aden. Apologize to them. For the next months’ kiss Nontu’s ass, as well as the churches.” Lexa instructs.

“I’m so proud…I taught my baby Snacha to be a really good rebel.” Anya smiles hugging her back. This is the first time I’ve seen Anya show any kind of emotion. It makes her a lot less scary.

She and Aden wave goodbye, and before you know it they’re walking down the city sidewalk on their way to the train station. And Lexa is crying on my shoulder.

“What if I get her shunned??” She cries. “What if they don’t forgive her for taking little one?? Should I regret making such a rash decision?”

“They would shun her for visiting you??” I question.

“They would shun her for taking little one before they would shun her for visiting me. They’re allowed to visit. It’s understandable to miss your siblings. But she didn’t get permission, she took pauna, and they stayed the night. Now…Nontu is part of the church so that might give her a better chance. But they’re very strict Clarke. Very strict.” Lexa explains.

“Sounds complicated.” I hum. Not really knowing what else to say. It sounds more than complicated. It sounds infuriating. To have to walk on eggshells like that your entire life…I would die. I would be thrown out in a second. It makes me realize how lucky I am that my mother has put up with my shit for so long.

“Very.” She nods.

We turn and push the button for the elevator. When it comes we step in and situate in the metal box. She leans her head on my shoulder and I lean my head on hers.

“How do you know if she will be okay? How will she contact you??” I inquire.

“There is an older English family down the road from our farm who has a phone. When she brings her banana pudding she will call me from their and tell me everything.” Lexa sighs. “Clarke??”

“Yes?”

“Does me asking you on a date make you my girlfriend??” she hums. Her voice scratchy from previously crying.

“Well, not really?? How it usually goes is we go on a few dates. See how it goes, and then one asks the other if they want to date, like commit to them. Ya know??”

“Oh. Well after we go on a few dates, will you be my girlfriend??” She smiles up at me through her long brown eyelashes. Her green eyes glowing even under the shitty elevator lighting.

“I mean?? I’d be stupid to say no.” I say in a faux duh tone. While walking out of the elevator we wander back into her apartment.

Sitting on the couch she lays down with her head in my lap. My hands in her hair.

“You do know I’ll have to leave at the end of my Rumspringa.” She states. Making my heart sink to my toes, because really, I didn’t want to think about that.

“You are really set on going back huh?”

“Yeah... I mean, I love life here. I have you, the rest of the delinquents, Lincoln. I’ve made a really good home here. But how could I leave little one. If I leave, Clarke. If I leave, I will never see them again. They will let Aden forget about me like they let me forget Lincoln. And I don’t believe I will get so lucky again to run into him on his Rumspringa that is another ten years away.”

“Oh. So if you don’t go back, they don’t talk to you ever again??”

“Right. They’ll shun me. And I won’t have a family.”

“You’ll always have us. Lexi. No matter what. And Lex, I know you are a selfless asshole. But you have to think about yourself sometimes too. You’re gay, and no matter how hard you try to repress it. It won’t work. I’m not trying to make a decision for you. Or push you a certain direction. I’m just saying this because I want you to do what’s in your best interest.

“Thank you. I really appreciate you Clarke.”

“I have to call my mom, do you mind if I shower here. And maybe steal clothes??”

“I don’t care. use whatever. My home is your home too.” Lexa states.

“Do you have any loose shirts? Like, ones that are too big on you. You’re smaller than I am.”

“Is that a nice way of saying that I have no boobs?? Because we are about the same height.” Lexa laughs. Sitting up from the couch she walks into her room and wanders back out with a bunch of clothes in her hands.

“No, your boobs are great. Mine might be bigger, but you have boobs, and they’re nice.”

“Might? Lexa scoffs. “Wait…you look at my boobs?”  

“Do you look at mine??” I retort.

“Who doesn’t??” Lexa shrugs. Handing me the neatly folded pile of clothes. I look through the shirts. Looking at the tags to see if any of these are a possible fit. I pull out one that’s a medium, it looks stretchy and soft. So, I set that one aside. Looking through the pants I pull out a pair of shorts that look like they’ve never even been worn.

“Thanks. Can I wear these??”

“Of course. Do go take your shower. I want to watch a movie with you.”

“Okay” I smile, getting off the couch I walk to her bathroom.

And I can say this, nothing will make you feel more stupid than trying to work someone else’s shower. This thing is confusing as fuck.

//

Clarke sings in the shower. I don’t know If she knows I can hear her or not. But her voice is incredibly soothing. I never thought a raspy, rough voice would make me feel calm. Usually it makes me insides hurt. Scratchy voices have always bothered me for one reason or another. But when it’s a girl—when it’s Clarke—it makes my insides hurt for a whole other reason.

I don’t know what song she’s singing. Maybe it’s an original. But whatever it is, it’s beautiful. I listen to her intently, getting lost in my head somewhere along the way.

She keeps singing even when the shower is off. I can hear her stumble around, as she’s probably not paying attention to what she’s doing. And the tile floor in there gets very slippery.

\--

It’s a really hard internal battle. Loving someone and feeling grossed out from your own self.

I don’t know how to be okay, but I have to be. I have to learn. I’ve gotten better. I know I have. And I know it’ll be a while, maybe even a life time for me to be 100% okay with who I am. Who anyone is. Being straight just seems like the easier option. But how can I be straight with someone like Clarke around. How can I be straight when girls exist??

She completely caught me off guard. My heart and stomach did summersaults when she opened the door for Emori and I. But I liked the feeling. I reveled in it. I wanted to feel it again, and feel it again I did. Every single time I see her. My heart pounds. She’s breathtaking. When she dresses up, when she’s wearing sweats, when she’s sleeping, laughing, crying, when she’s mad. She is just breathtaking. I have to be okay.

I am gay.

I’m Lexa woods, the same Lexa, Heda, Snacha, I’m still me.

I am gay. And that’s okay. That’s great, Fantastic even.

“Hey.” Clarke says, snapping me out of my head.

“You okay?” She asks.

“Ohh yeah, just thinking.” I hum.

“Alright.” She nods, never pushing for more.

“Can we watch t.v. in your room??” Clarke questions.

“Sure.” I get up off the couch and follow her into my room. Once I get there I can’t help but laugh, as she’s laid out in the middle of my bed. Spread out taking up all of the space. Resembling a starfish.

“That’s my seat!!” I laugh.

“I know, I’ll move.” She giggles, rolling over to her side of the bed. Snuggling up underneath the blanket. Putting it over her head, leaving just her face out. She’s the cutest, I swear.

“Clarke…”

“hmm??”

“Don’t get me wrong…” I sigh. “I want to date you so bad. I don’t know how to romance. I-I-I’m afraid. And every time I think about it, my tongue goes dry. Like the Sarhara desert. Or Like it’s wearing a million of tiny cotton sweaters,” I mumble.

“Afraid?? Of what? Of me?” her eyebrows knit together and she looks at me with such concentration, her deep blue eyes looking into mine.

“Yes? No? Yes. I’m afraid of everything. Mostly, I’m afraid of causing you pain, of causing me pain… causing us pain. I like the friendship we have. I don’t want anything to ruin that.”

“Lexa, there is no one else in this world that I would wait for, forever.  I can be patient. Me and my hand are more than happy with each other for now” She giggles, raising her hand and wiggling her fingers. “You worry about you. I want you to be mentally ready for a relationship before anything else. So we will go on dates until you’re ready, and I don’t care if that takes a year, or two, or five. I’ll be here.” Clarke states. Resting her head on my chest, flinging her entire leg over my waist. She is like a koala when she cuddles. Or a sea otter, holding on so tight in fear of drifting away somehow. (I watch a lot of animal documentaries. Otters really do that, it’s really cute. They also have a pouch where they store their favorite rock.)

“You and your hand??” I question, contorting my face in confusion.

_Her and her hand?? What’s that got to do with anything? What does that even mean??_

“Mmmm Never mind.” She huffs, smirking into my shoulder.

“I’m so lost. What about your hand Clarke?”

“You’re gonna get embarrassed if I explain.”

“No I won’t.”

“Mastubation Lexa. If you don’t use toys, you use your hand.”

“Oh.” And she was right. My cheeks involuntarily get flushed with bubblegum pink then the more she looks at me and the silence continues the redder my face gets. Spreading to my ears and chest. My stomach coils too.

“I told you you’d get embarrassed. It’s okay though. Everyone does it.” She shrugs.

“Not everyone. I don’t.” I hum.

“What? Seriously??” Clarke asks.

“Seriously.” I nod.

“How? I would explode. My sex drive is like…out of this world.”

“Can we change the subject please??”

“Of course.” She laughs. “You’re cute.”

“That’s not cute. I-I-I It’s not cute.”

 

Before long we are watching the t.v. and I can feel Clarke’s body grow heavier, relaxing into me, into the bed. Pulling the blanket up and tucking it under her chin. I fall asleep listening to her slow, even breathing.

//

The next morning I’m up and in the shower getting ready for school. I let Clarke sleep until the very last minute. I even got a coffee press for when she and the others stay over so I can make them coffee. Cause I don’t really drink coffee. I only drink this flavored one at Clarke’s favorite coffee shop and even then I don’t drink it that often. Especially not the way Clarke drinks it. She drinks coffee like it’s water.

When I shake Clarke awake she grumbles, and kicks her feet. Groaning how she doesn’t want to get up yet. “Just ten more minutes.” She whines.

Then I do what my older brother did to me when I whined about waking up. I tickle her, Her cute little feets sticking out the bottom of the blanket. She squeals and pulls her feet back up into the blanket.

“In ten seconds, I’m going to pull the quilt off of you Clarke.”

“No, no, nooo. I’m up.” She fusses. Sitting up in bed. Her hair all wild and sticking up.

While she drinks her coffee I brush and braid her hair back for her. She moans at the brush scraping her scalp and the sounds send shivers up my spine, and cause my stomach to coil, and turn.

“Feel nice?” I ask.

“Feels great” She rasps.

We walk to school together, Clarke with her giant cup of coffee in one hand, and my hand in the other.

We can walk in silence without ever speaking and it’s never awkward. Ever.

What is awkward though is having to sit next to Roma. She gives me the evil eye, and this time, she doesn’t put her books down to talk to me.

“For the record. I was dancing with my best friend and you left.” I mumble.

“Yeah, but that was our date… It was a date Lexa. Usually, you don’t go off with another girl on a date.” Roma hisses.

“I-I-I I didn’t know… I didn’t know it was a date, date. I just thought it was a friend date. Like Clarke and raven went together. I thought we were going together like that.” I explain.

“How could you not have known? I asked you out.”

“I’ve never been asked out before. I’ve never anything before… I am Amish Roma. I Don’t know the ways of this place. I just moved here in early July. You have to tell me like it is cause obviously I can’t take hints.”

“You’re Amish?”

“Yes.” I hesitate. This is something I didn’t want anyone here to know. I don’t want to be treated special. I don’t want to be the outcast. I was doing well fitting in. I hope this doesn’t ruin that.

\---

After school I walk Clarke and Raven home then instead of going home I walk to Lincolns.

I just need someone to talk to and Lincoln is the best person to talk to.

When he answers the door, he immediately knows something is wrong.

“Something up?” He questions.

“I did a few stupid things…” I mumble. Getting so nervous my hands are shaking.

“What’d do you do? Honestly it cant be this bad. Calm down, go sit on my couch and I’ll make you some tea. You still like Camomile the way I used to make it for you?”

“Mhmm” I nod.

“Good. Go sit. Then we will talk.” He smiles.

I do as he says. Plopping myself on his couch, I rest my head on the arm rest, and tuck my feet under me.

He places a nice hot cup of tea in my hands and sits right next to me, his arm draped over my shoulder.

“What stupid stuff did ya do?” He asks

“I went to homecoming with a girl called Roma, and it was a date but I didn’t know it was a date, so I danced with Clarke then Roma Left and I asked Clarke out…on a date, like a date date. Also, I called the English family that lives near our farm and asked her to give Anya a message and she did cause Anya came to visit and she brought Aden, and I’m scared…I’m scared I got Anya shunned and I’m scared to date Clarke because I hear Nomon’s voice telling me Gays are gross and i hate myself everyday for it no matter how hard I try. And I’m scared to mess up our friendship and I’m scared because I love her. I love her and it scares me…” Before I can stop it, I’m crying and before I know it, Lincoln is wiping the tears from my eyes and hugging me. We sit there in silence. His arms wrapped around me, my head on his shoulders. We sit there and he lets me cry. When I’m done, he speaks.

“Okay, First things first. The girl Roma, was she mad?”

“a little. She was mad. Then I told her I’m Amish. I’m new to this. And that I can’t take hints.” I hum.

“And how did she take that?”

“Fine, except she studies cultures, and she wanted to ask a whole bunch of questions that I really don’t want to answer.”

“Okay, that’s okay. Did Clarke say yes to your date?” He asks.

“Mhmm, now I’m even more scared.” I tell him, and he hugs me tighter.

“That’s good. And Anya, how is she? What’s Aden like?” he smiles.

“Anya is good. Unless she gets shunned. Aden is great. He’s blonde. And he has green eyes too. He is super silly, and absolutely loves Clarke. He likes ducks. And he thinks it’s funny to chase pigeons. He is an amazing kid linc.”

“That’s great. He sounds really great.”

“He is. All of our siblings are great.”

“They are…” He sounds sad for a moment. Just a moment. When he realizes what he’s missed. Who he’s missed.

“Next. Okay…Mothers voice in the back of your head telling you you’re gross. Let me tell you a thing. Everyone is different Lexa. Mom just happens to be straight. Anya isn’t straight, who knows who else in our family isn’t straight. Who knows If they’re transgender, or what their sexuality is. Who knows? No one, only them. And you don’t have a choice in this world who you get to love, and who loves you. You don’t get to choose that. But when you find out who loves you, and if you love them back. Who the fuck cares what’s between their legs in the long run? No one. Not me, not you, not even Mother. She is just afraid. It’s more reputation, and what other people think of her, than what she thinks of you. No matter what she will love you, Lexa. She will have the hardest time in the world if you stay out here. You cannot spend the rest of this lifetime hating yourself because of what other people think of you. You need to spend the rest of your life with the people who will love you regardless of sexuality, and gender. I can’t choose what you do with your life, and if you stay here after rumspringa. But I can say I have never, not it ten years. Seen Clarke look at anyone else the way she looks at you. Or seen her smile so big she can’t contain it. You are a special kid. And you will always be my baby sibling. Lexa you’re gay. And that changes nothing. Like I said before. It’ll take some work, but you’ll get moms voice out of your head. But think about this. Do you want to spend two years getting moms voice out of your head just to go back and have all of your hard physical and emotional work be for nothing?”

“Oh.” Is all I manage to say.

That was a long winded rant and I grasped everything. All of what he says is right. He’s right. But it also didn’t make me feel any better. I know he is right about going back and having Nomon say all those things and I will hate myself for the rest of my life. But I can’t not go back. That’s my family…

“I can’t just leave them Lincoln…They’re my family.”

“Ai Laik yu kongeda. Klark laik yu kongeda. You can’t pick up and pretend you don’t have family out here either Lexa.” [I am your family. Clarke is your family.]

“I can’t…I can’t just LEAVE AND PRETEND I DON’T HAVE A SEVEN YEAR OLD SIBLING AT HOME EITHER!!” i yell.

Lincoln looks away from me, up at the ceiling, swallowing his anger. He looks back at me with red lined eyes. “I left because I had to do what’s right for me Lexa. I didn’t pretend you don’t exist.” He says, his voice breaks as he pulls out a box from under his coffee table. “I wrote to you on your birthday, and on the holidays. Every year for ten years. I always got them back, with return to sender written on the backs. I never forgot about you. I never stopped thinking about you. I always regretted having to leave you. But I do not regret the life I’ve made. Nor do I regret the decision. You were always nomons favorite. If she shuns you, take Anya and Aden and never look back, If she shuns you, you were never worth breaking rules for anyways. If she shuns you, her life will be terrible while you will be out here living life with the love of your life. They could all leave the church but they won’t and you know it. Zippers are better than buttons and cars are more fun than buggies. Horses poop, cars don’t.”

He hands me letters, each one says return to sender on the back in Nomons handwriting. This breaks my heart. I could have gotten letters, but instead mother let me think Lincoln forgot about me…

“She let me think you forgot about me…”

“I never did. How could I. Those big green eyes, and bright goofy smile. I never wanted to leave you behind Lexa. And if I were more mature, and older, I would have taken you, and let them shun me. But for a while, I could barely take care of myself much less a child. I’m sorry they made you think I forgot. But now you know I never ever forgot.”

“So now what?” I ask.

“Now you live your life without wondering what mother will think of you. When the time comes, revisit the question. Will it be worth going home, and giving up everything here that you’ve worked for, that you’ve grown close to. Will it be worth never coming back, and marrying a man, and having children, and seeing them grow up to think, maybe when they’re sixteen they wont want to come back either… It’s a lot to think about right now. So just visit it when the time comes.”

“Okay.” I stand up, taking the shoe box of letters with me.

“Where are you going??” HE asks.

“To talk to Clarke.”

He lets me leave, I run as fast as I can in these oversized farm boots. Making my way to Clarke’s house.

I knock on her door, despite her telling me the door is always unlocked and I can just walk in if I want too. I knock cause it’s polite and because I don’t want to scare anyone by just barging in.

Clarke answers the door and her somber expression turns upside down and a bright smile grows. ” _I have never seen Clarke look at anyone the way she looks at you.”_ She sees it now. The look. The smile. She sees how her eyes gleam. It’s something she thought was always there. The nice big smile, and the bright shiney eyes, those aren’t for everyone, they’re for her. Just for her.

“Lexa what—?” Clarke started but before she could finish I step up into the threshold of her house. I put my hand on her jawline and I pull her into me. Kissing her, and for the first time, my stomach jumps and twists and so does my heart and my brain. My whole body is on fire. But I get goosebumps anyways, like ice running through my veins. When the movies say there’s sparks they mean it. But they don’t tell you the sparks are low in your gut, they make your knees weak, and your heart scream. They make time stop because you’re almost as close as you can get to the one you love.

Clarke is still at first, stunned in place until she’s not anymore. Their lips move, synchronized together like they’ve done this before. She glides her tongue across Lexa’s bottom lip, reveling in the softness, and the taste of her skin. Clarke hums in satisfaction, she’s been wanting to do this since forever. But Lexa pulls away too soon.

“I-I-I I don’t know what to do…I uh..i didn’t kiss Wells with tongue. I don’t know—what do I do?” Lexa stutters, her hands are trembling around Clarke’s waist, her and her heart is beating so fast she feels like she’s ran ten miles.

“Just…go with your gut. It knows what it’s doing, even if you don’t” Clarke whispers into Lexa’s neck.

With that Clarke rests her arms on Lexa’s shoulders, pulling her back in she is breathless before their lips even touch. This time, Clarke doesn’t freeze, this time, she doesn’t waste time in swiping her tongue around Lexa’s bottom lip, biting it a little. Causing Lexa to audibly gasp.

Clarke Slips her tongue between Lexa’s lips and Lexa hums at the feeling.

Their teeth Clink and Clash every now and then and it only makes them giggle. Clarke likes how they can giggle, how sloppy Lexa is because she’s inexperienced, she likes that their teeth hit and Lexa just laughs it off.

When Clarke pulls away from Lexa this time she looks right into her green eyes that now have blown pupils.

“That was…unexpected.” Clarke hums pulling Lexa close for a hug.

“That was better than kissing Wells.” Lexa smiles down at Clarke through half lidded eyes.

“You okay?” Clarke asks.

“Better than okay. Clarke??”

“Yes?”

“I’m gay. Im a lesbian. I like girls—no I like you—“

Clarke just giggles, putting her head in the crook of Lexa’s neck.

“I know. I’ve known. What we did was really gay Lex…”

“Oh, right. That was gay.” Lexa laughs too.

Clarke invites her inside and together they curl up on the couch and watch t.v.

That night the world stopped turning, the clock stopped ticking, and It was just Clarke, Lexa, and each other’s warm comforting bodies. They stayed like that, in each other’s arms, all night long.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh god, I've never written a kiss before I'm cringing so hard right now... 
> 
> Feedback is welcome  
> Just keep the negativity to yourself please. 
> 
> Stay safe my space little space beans!!! 
> 
> I hope you like this, and I hope it makes sense, and isn't too messy.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry this took so long.   
> I have been super busy with trying to be an actual person instead of a recluse. But I have been writing. It's been hard for me to be motivated and inspired for this story but I'm here and i'm queer and i'm posting so yay!   
> This isn't beta'd all mistakes are mine.   
> ALso, I wrote this over a span of a couple of months so it may or may not flow together that great but I hope it's okay, and doesn't get to confusing.   
> I hope you like this chapter.

_Dear Nomon,_

_It has been already been a year since I left home._

_Things here have been good, actually more than good, things here have been great._

_I have so many friends and we do so many fun things together. Movies, sleepovers, birthday parties, regular school parties, you name it. We do everything and anything together. It’s always so much fun, and my friends always include me in their things. I’m not left out, or an outcast here like I was at home. I definitely thought it would be the other way around. But I’m treated like family. They make my life so interesting, and so much fun. I have been doing so many great things, I am so happy here._

_I know I haven’t written to you in a long while, and I’m sorry if you feel as though I have shut you out, but I haven’t. I have just been so busy with school, work, and friends, and juggling all of those things at once is harder than I expected._

_I also know I have a few things to apologize to you and Nontu for. I recognize what I asked of Anya was wrong, and not my place. I called the English family from across the farm, and asked them to give Anya my address and to bring Aden with her. They delivered the message for me, not knowing what it was about. I miss them, I miss you all but I knew you wouldn’t permit anyone to come visit without you and Nontu’s knowledge, and I knew you’d be gone within in the same day you got here. I don’t want to miss out on my little brothers life. The others are old enough to know me, know who I am, and trust that I’m coming back to see them. Aden isn’t. He doesn’t understand yet, he will, but it’s unfair to not let us see each other. I don’t want him to think I’ve abandoned him. Because I haven’t, and I won’t. I sincerely apologize for asking Anya to do what is against you, and against the church, it was my idea not hers. I know you haven’t shunned her for what she did, but I also know how strict you and dad are. Take it easy on my siblings please. It was my idea after all. It was something she could sympathize with so she almost ruined everything_ for me. _She did it for me._

_I have a little under a year before I see everyone again. Please don’t hesitate to write me. And do not let Aden forget I exist…_

_Ai hod yu in—_ _Leksa._

//

After homecoming, Roma and I never really spoke again. Whenever I came to class she continued reading instead of stopping to talk to me. She wouldn’t even look at me. When I spoke to her before, it didn’t seem like she cared. But she does. One of her friends came up to me at lunch and told me that Roma was more bummed about not being able to date the “Hottest girl in school,” than she was about me dancing with Clarke on our so-called date. She said Roma wanted me as arm candy. I’m still not sure what arm candy is, but I am sure it can’t be that great judging by the look on Roma’s friends face.

After the drama settled down, a few months after homecoming Clarke and I went on dates. We switched off picking the place, and what to do. Since I had absolutely no clue how to date, I let her plan our first date. The place she picked wasn’t surprising at all, but we had an absolutely amazing time.

She bought dinner at this new restaurant down the street from my house, and we snuck it into the planetarium. Which isn’t a new spot for us, but we usually just sit there, looking at the stars without conversation. This time, the stars were just there, surrounding us, and our conversation. Whenever we ran thin on topics to talk about, we looked up at the stars in our same old comfortable silence.

But when we had things to talk about…conversation was everything.

We spoke about what we did as children. Our lives were vastly different. We were brought up in different cultures. Different eras really. Hers was light hearted and filled with school, and friends, and going to the park with her dad, coming to the planetarium, sitting in these exact seats, learning about the stars making jokes and giggling silently, trying not to disturb others around them.

Mine, well, mine was filled with school, no friends, so many brothers to fight with. No play grounds. I mean, we did make playgrounds out of stacks of hay out in the middle of the farm but eventually we got yelled at For getting our clothes muddy, or staying out in the sun too long that it turned our faces crimson, or simply not acting ladylike. I never got to bond much with my father-that is one thing I am jealous of Clarke for-my father works so much on the farm and I wasn’t allowed to do that. So, I didn’t see him all that much. But that let me have a great relationship with my mother. We bonded over making quilts and splashing around in the soapy laundry water that hadn’t been made dirty yet.

Like I said, vastly different childhoods.

But somehow, we met in the middle.

We talked about that too. The day we met, about a year ago now. That party was my first ever party, that wasn’t even close to her first party. She told me how she was attracted to me right away. From my choice in clothing, that contrasted greatly with my personality, and curly hair that apparently shined as the porch lamp hit it. (Romantic right??) She said my naivety made her smile. She says it still does.

Unbeknownst to us, our lives changed drastically after that night.  

\----

Our second date was good too. It was poorly planned and not well thought through.  It really was, and that’s because, I can’t date. I don’t know how, romantic is not something I am, hopeless maybe. But not romantic.

I took her to dinner, and a movie. Your usual old fashioned date. The kind you see in movies. Movies is all I have to use as reference, and that’s just not realistic.

Dinner was good, full of light hearted chit chat, and lots of laughter. The movie was good too, except, you can’t talk in the movies, and people shush you a lot. Luckily, that didn’t keep us from snickering to ourselves, trying to contain our laughter.  At one point, Clarke had made a silly joke about something someone said in the movie, and we had to bite our hands to keep from laughing too loud. We left the movie theater with puffy red lined eyes and big smiles on our faces. (I can’t quite remember what the movie was though…not that it mattered.)

But over the course of time, our dates got better. They started feeling less like hanging out with your best friend, and more like an actual date (Whatever that was supposed to feel like.) We’d go to dinner, talk about our days at work, school, and we would share little personal details about ourselves. We learned simple things about each other as well, like her favorite color, or what she likes to do on a rainy day. Clarke would draw doodles on napkins and give them to me. Little did she know I kept them in my desk drawer. I dated them, and put them away.

Instead of staying over after our date and watching movies, she would take me home. Kiss me goodnight and say “Until next time.” with a cute little wink before turning away and going home. (On one date, I asked her how she winks so flawlessly, I mean come on! Her winks are perfect, she shrugged and said she used to copy her dad all the time until she got it right. I asked if she could teach me, we tried and right when I thought I got it, she told me both my eyes shut, and that that is called blinking. I can’t wink, but I can blink. That has to be good for something…right??)

She started dressing up, so did I.

These dates started being the only time we really got to hang out. With school, and work, and extracurricular activities, we ran out of time to hang out during the day, and were too tired for sleep overs. Our lives were changing and we didn’t have time for impromptu get togethers.

We text often, she calls me sometimes to tell me she misses my voice. I’m Glad she does that because I miss her voice too. Even though I don’t say it, I think she knows it.

But now, school is over for the year and summer is starting. It’s warm out now, there is no snow, and cold winds, there are leaves on the trees (The very few trees that are here, anyways.) The sun stays out later and later, and Clarke often has bonfires at her house. The group of delinquents all get together and sit in camping chairs, cuddling in blankets, around a fire, laughing, telling jokes, playing music, listening to music. (Sounds like the opposite definition of delinquents. Doesn’t it?)

Clarke and I usually share a chair, she lets me sit in her lap and wraps us up in a blanket. My head on her shoulder, breathing in a scent that is so uniquely Clarke. Her skin just smells sweet, and warm. Like milk and honey. It’s comforting and addictive. It’s those nights I like pulling my camera out.

She sings me her original songs now. She’s not shy about it with me anymore. We giggle together as she fumbles with the chords she’s just taught herself mere hours ago. I snap pictures of her as she laughs, and sings, because it’s only time she looks 100% at peace. Happy and content with life. Clarke is as aesthetically pleasing as one could possibly be.

/

I hang out with Lincoln quite a bit too. He takes me to get my photos printed out. We look through them together, and I excitedly explain what made me take each picture, and why every single picture is my favorite. He’s helping me put an album together.

He tells me that my photos are amazing, much better than his had been at my age. He encourages me to go to college for photography, and maybe even start on some classes for it in high school next year. Apparently, the ability to take great photos runs in the family. Just, no one knew because camera’s aren’t permitted in our culture.

I don’t know what I want to go to college for yet, or if I am even going to go to college, because I still haven’t even decided if I want to go home yet or not. But Lincoln goes for photography, he seems to enjoy it so much. He seems to enjoy is life out here more than he ever enjoyed life back home. I don’t know if that would be the case for me though. I have a hard time believing I could live out here without ever seeing or hearing from my family again. I am so young, and so unsure of myself. I don’t want to make any decisions I’ll regret for the rest of my life, but I Rumspringa doesn’t end for another year. I definitely have time.

\--

Raven and I have grown closer too, she has stopped putting on her “I’m gonna blow you up if you hurt Clarke” act, and is now saying “If you hurt each other, I’m going blow both of you up.”

It’s a laughing matter now, but a year ago, I actually believed she would blow me up. Now I know she likes me too much to hurt me.

Her and Octavia, are still going strong. Sometimes, when we have sleepovers, they have sex on my couch and Clarke and I lock ourselves in my room, and try to drown out their cringe worthy noises with the television. I sit there blushing, feeling the blood rush to my brain, hoping my head doesn’t explode. And Clarke just sits there giggling, and continues conversation like we don’t hear Octavia screaming.  But, Clarke lives with Raven, so I guess she’s used to it.

I’ve never heard such obscene noises come out of a human before, and I have to wipe down my couch before I can sit on it again.

////

 

Today is the second week of the summer

School has been out for a week now, and everyone took the week off of work to go camping together. To celebrate the end of the school year, the start of the summer, our friendships, and just to hang out and have a great time.

We have assigned groups, and who sleeps in whose tents. Couples share their own tents for obvious reasons. _*Cough cough* Raven *Cough Cough* and Octavia *Cough*_

Lincoln and Bellamy are coming too. I think they share a tent, along with Wells, Maya, and Harper. Because we have a one, ten person tent, and then lots of other little one-two person tents.

It’ll be fun. I’m making food, and packing good camping things. They singled me out for “Knowing how to live without electric and y’know ‘merican necessities. Also cause you make good food, and big portions anyways.” So, that’s what I’ve been doing over the weekend, preparing lots of food, and freezing it in portion sizes. Labeling each container, with what it is, when it should be eaten, and when it was made, just to be sure it won’t go bad. We have to eat the things I made Friday night first because that will be the first to go.

Then I went out and bought little pots. Each person gets their own little pot to cook their dinner in. We will keep a fire going almost all the time in order to cook food, and keep it hot so it will be a fast cook for dinner.  I don’t mind being singled out for this type of thing because making big portions and the smells of my mother’s recipes always make me feel at ease. But I don’t think they realize that there are major differences between camping, and Amish culture.

The camp ground has a swimming pool and that will be good because it’s supposed to be a pretty hot week. Starting out in the 70F (Which is really nice.) but it’ll only go up from there. Also, the humidity is a factor too. It gets mad humid here. And our camp ground is actually in Hershey, Pennsylvania, and It’s known to be very muggy there. More so, than TonDc or even Lancaster.

There we will be able to do so much because our camp ground is attached to an amusement park, and I have never been to one of those before! I’m excited for all of the rides and stuff, I’m also a little…no, no, a lot nervous about the rollercoasters and water rides because I have a fear of heights. It’s always been that way, since I was a small child. But little kids don’t let their fears, and common sense get in the way of their fun. So, it never really bothered me when I was little. I know it will bother me now. I can’t even look down, out of the windows in my apartment without my stomach dropping to my toes.

//

We pack up Lincoln’s truck with literally everything, and then Bellamy’s car with people. Raven and I are riding in the truck with Lincoln because Raven shouldn’t be stuffed into a four door sedan, with over crowded back seat with her Leg. I mean, she says she would be fine but it wouldn’t be comfortable and Both Lincoln and I decided it would be best if Raven rode with us instead of Clarke.

Clarke acts like it’s the worst thing in the world being separated from me for an hour and thirty minute drive. But it’s not really that big of a deal. She was definitely pouting like a five year old whose parent said no to candy in the grocery store. It was cute, but over dramatic.

Once the cars were packed we drove off and got on the highway.

I have never driven in the car with Lincoln but I can tell you right now, he is speeding, and it is scaring me. (I hate the highway…)

I hug Clarke’s guitar case closer to my chest the faster he goes.

“Please slow down” I whimper. My voice smaller than intended.

He lifts his foot off the gas and the car slows down a significant amount, making me feel better.

“So Lexa…camping. You like it?” Raven asks, trying to get me focused on something else.

“I’ve never been camping. Not with tents and stuff. Me and my little brother used to make forts in the yard and sleep out there at night with our lanterns and stuff. It was a lot of fun, except the mosquitoes. Those are never fun, and they tend to like it when you bathe with sweet soaps.”

“Ohh. Yeah mosquitoes are nasty little fuckers. I’ve been camping once when I was young. I don’t really remember it that well though. This trip will probably be really memorable, I’m excited.” Raven smiled.

“Good. We will have fun.”

_Clarke: This car ride is boring. How’s yours??_

_Me: Clarke…It’s been ten minutes._

_Clarke: I know but it’s boring without you._

_Me: Engage with your friends. They are your friends. I should be the uncomfortable one._

_Me: You’ll be fine. Just, talk, converse, chit chat, I know you never lack in conversation topics. ;)_

_Clarke: Are you trying to tell me I talk a lot??_

_Clarke: Cause that would be rude._

_Clarke: I definitely don’t talk that much._

_Clarke: I mean…I like talking, and I’m not really that shy, but I definitely don’t talk all that much._

_Clarke: Do I??_

_Me: Idk, go back and look at the thread you just sent me…._

_Clarke: You ball of sass you! You’re lucky I love you._ _J_

Looking at her last sent message I conveniently choke on my own saliva. She loves me? She loves me so casually? Like…no second thoughts, she just typed it and didn’t look it over. Clarke loves me?

“You good kid??” Raven asks, peeping over at my phone.

“Y-yeah. Clarke just told me she loves me.”

“Oh good. Y’all were getting annoying. So, are you a thing yet?” she winks, and Lincoln looks over, now suddenly interested in the conversation we are having.

“I mean… I don’t know. We’ve been on some dates, and stuff. But I don’t know if she’s like… I don’t know if we’re—“

“Dating, Girlfriends, date mate, you can say it Lexa. It’s not a bad word.” Raven plays. A smirk plastered on her face.

“Yeah.. I don’t know if we are dating or something. But I mean…we probably will be. I just don’t want to hurt her. I don’t want to get all caught up when I have to go home in a year.” I state.

“Wait what?? No, no way. You can’t leave her. Us, any of us. You can’t leave. And just cause _you_ don’t want to get caught up doesn’t mean Clarke hasn’t.”

“Plus you don’t have to go. It’s your choice Lexa.” Lincoln mentions.

“I know. I know, but it’s a hard choice and I’m not interested in having this conversation. So for right now, yes. I like Clarke. No… I love her. All strings caught up and tangled, I love her. It’s between you all and my family though and as far as I am concerned you all are my family so, I cannot talk about the heartbreaking decision I’m being forced to make. Understand?” I hiss.

“okay.” Raven mumbles. And Lincoln nods.

_Me: I love you too, Clarke. XxXx_

_Clarke: See you in about an hour. xxxxxo_

_Me: indeed you will._ _J XxXxXx_

_Me: P.s. What is the o at the end of your x’s mean??_

_Clarke: It’s usually Xoxoxo which is hugs and kisses. The X is kisses, and the O is hugs._

_Me: What makes the X a kiss though? Couldn’t the O be a kiss?_

_Clarke: I suppose so… I’ve always been told the X was kisses. But i’m sure everyone thinks something different. Still. Hugs and kisses Lexi._

_Clarke: I gotta go, my battery is running out. See ya._

Instead of writing back I just put my phone in my lap. Raven has plugged her phone into the truck and is playing music through it.

Her music is loud, and sometimes you can’t even understand what the people are saying. Or if they are saying something coherent at all.

“It’s rock and roll.” She says. “the best music in existence,” She says. “Come on Lex, don’t tell me you’ve got Bieber fever and hate this stuff? This is good music…”

“I like all music. I like what comes on MTV. This isn’t bad music, I just need to adjust.” I hum.

“So, Who’s your favorite artist and why?” She questions.

“Clarke, because her music is wonderful. Her voice makes my stomach flip, and her songs are poetic and make me feel.”

She crinkles her face and says “That is…really gay…gross.”

“What? Gross??” I question.

“Yeah, so gross you made me throw up in my mouth a little. You gigantic ball of soft gay sap.” Raven smiles. nudging my shoulder with hers. Lincoln laughs too. I don’t understand what is so funny, maybe she made I joke I didn’t get but I’m the only one not laughing.

“Lighten up sexy Lexi, I’m saying you’re so cute, and the puppy love is so soft that it’s gross. Not in a bad way.” Raven explains.

“Oh. Okay.” I nod. Understanding what she meant…only a little.

//

Raven spends the whole car ride cracking jokes and talking with Lincoln, I feel like a third wheel. She shows me pictures of their last camping trip here. (Which wasn’t last summer, but the summer before.) The photos are absolutely stunning, the only person who isn’t in the photos is Lincoln, and I realize that’s because he was the one taking them. 

The glow that the fire has provided a really beautiful source of light for the pictures. Everyone is laughing and smiling. Clarke has her guitar out in most of them and-

“Who’s that?” I ask.

“Who’s who??” Raven says, sliding the picture away as quickly as she can.

“In the last picture, with Clarke. She looks so happy.” I hum.

Raven takes a deep breath and flips back the picture I was talking about.

“That’s Finn. They were dating at the time. She…she was very happy. Then we lost him, and she hadn’t gotten out of bed for months. She used to be a big party girl. always going out. getting trashed into the next day until that day didn’t exist. She was troublesome, and animalistic when it came to parties, but we were always here for her. She’s definitely doing better, and since she met you, she’s been her happiest. I’ve never seen her beam the way she does when she’s with you. You’re her magic Lexa. This face, this one in this picture that you see. This isn’t the same Clarke that you have.” Raven sighs.

“This right here is the Clarke that was settling for someone that didn’t deserve her. That took her for granted and treated her like she was less than him. Less than perfect.  She was around, and passably cute. The Clarke that you have, is the Clarke that cares for everyone, and is gentle and loving. She’s a soft poetic bi and you got lucky enough to have her love you. Don’t you dare take that for granted. If you do that, I don’t care how much I love you…I will put hydrazine through your IV tube and blow you up from the inside out.”

“Jesus Raven, Little harsh there??” Lincoln scoffs.

“Nah, she always says stuff like that. I love you too Raven, and if I hurt her, you have my permission to set me ablaze.” I smile calmly.

“Umm, Lexa!” Lincoln exclaims. “Raven! You do not have my permission to set Lexa on fire!!”

“Since when have you two been so buddy, buddy?” Raven questions.

I look to Lincoln with a question in my eyes, he nods his answer so I say, “Since forever. He’s my brother Raven.”

“He’s your-huh?”  Raven pauses mid laughter, mid smile. Her body goes still and she looks at me then back at Lincoln. I really thought everyone knew by now, even though I haven’t said anything to anyone other than Clarke. I just thought it would’ve spread around by now. Guess not.

“No. fucking. way.” She shakes her head.

“I was little when he left. I was six, he was sixteen.”

“Wow…So he never went back. Is that why you are so worked up about your decision??” Raven questions.

“Mhmm. I have a little brother at home. He’s the same age I was when Lincoln left us. If I don’t go home, I never hear from my family again and they make sure the littlest one doesn’t even remember us by the time their Rumspringa comes around.” I explain. My whole mood falls just thinking about it.

“Man, I am so sorry you have to make a choice like that. That’s terrible.”

“It is.” I mumble.  “Anyways! Who is taking the photos this year??”

“You and Lincoln.” Raven answers.

“That’s good, So we both can be in the photos. Good thing I brought my camera, along with Extra memory chips.”

“Yeah, I have extras too.” Lincoln adds.

Lincoln pulls into the camp ground and follows Bellamy’s car around the loop of other tents and R.Vs until they find their ground. They had to purchase two spots because there will be quite a few tents, and it was well worth it, these spots are nice. The grass is still there and green. There’s two fire pits and two grills. But they’ll probably only be using one to save the time on building a fire.

Everyone hops out of the car, and from where I’m sitting it looks so funny. Like a clown car, so many people climbing out of a small four door car. Clarke is the first one out. She falls to her knees then lays in the grass.

“Land, glorious land. Remind me to never, ever ride in a car with Bellamy. That was chaotic.” She exclaims, her voice echoing off the half empty camping ground.

Everyone else follows, but in a much calmer fashion.

Raven climbs out of the truck and I climb out after her, stretching my legs and arms. Leaning back to stretch out my spine. I yawn even though I’m not tired. I guess the car ride took a little energy out of me.

“What do we do now?” Clarke asks.

“We set up dummy.” Raven giggles, passing us by with the ten person tent slung over her shoulder.

“She’s like…the hulk packed in a very tiny Raven.” I mumble, my eyes widen watching her carry the heaviest tent they have.

“She works out at the gym every day for a couple of hours, goes to physical therapy once a week for her leg. She _is_ the incredible hulk packed in a Raven.” Octavia said, unloading suitcases from Bellamy’s trunk.

Everyone is unpacking things from both cars except Clarke and I. I decide to change that and head to the truck to grab things off.

We make an assembly line. I hand Clarke things off the truck. Clarke hands things to Octavia, who hands them to Maya, who hands them to…well you get it. The last person hands everything to Raven. Who is super quick at setting up the tents so that’s her job.  

Me and Clarke are sitting by the power outlet blowing up all of the mattresses. There are three full sized mattresses that go with the small tents and there is only one cot and that goes to Octavia and Ravens tent because Lincoln and Bellamy don’t trust that she could get off the floor by herself whether she says she can or not. They’re not having it. (Raven really can get up off the floor with little struggle, but we will be here for a week and she will be missing a day of Physical therapy so she understands this is our way of looking out for her. She’s usually stubborn about how she is treated but honestly, anyone would want the cot so she’s not arguing.)

Lincoln is in the Camp ground office buying us all tickets to the Amusement park. And Everyone else is arguing over whose tent is whose.

“HEY SHUT UP. STOP ARGUING. THE PAINTED TENT IS MINE. I paint it, I get it. It’s mine, you hear me. Other than that, once the tents are up it’s first come first serve. Except the one with the cot in it. PAINTED TENT IS MINE!” Clarke yells, making sure she is heard. Once she finishes, everything is so quiet that you could hear the birds chirping.

Maya sets on setting up all of the camping chairs around the fire pit that’s closer to the middle of the grounds.

I go to stuff a mattress into Clarke’s painted tent. It’s full of paint. Some spots more worn than others. I’m guessing this is another one of Clarke and her father’s creations. I shove the bed into the tent lay on the bed for a second. All of this setting up has me completely knackered. I lay on my back and look up. Noticing a large perfectly cut hole in the tent, covered in some mesh fabric.

Just as I’m getting up to ask Clarke about it, she climbs in and lays down next to me.

“There is a hole…” I mention.

“Yeah, there is. I put it there when I was little so I could see the sky at night. Dad patched it up with mesh. We have a waterproof covering-all tents do- so if it rains, we don’t have to worry.” She smiles, looking up through the hole. “If we’re lucky, tonight will be clear and I’ll get to show you all the constellations.”

“You’ve showed me the constellations though.” I state.

“Yeah, but never under the real sky. Just in the planetarium. This is better. Lincoln usually takes some long exposure pictures of the sky for me to take home. I have a box of them since i was…well, since I was about six.” Clarke hums.

“It makes me so happy that you like sharing something that is so close to your heart with me.”

“I would share my actual heart with you if I could, Lex.”

“Nah, keep your heart. I need it in you, so you can be alive.”

“You’re cute.” Clarke mumbles.

“You’re cuter.”

“EVERYONE READY TO HIT THE PARK.”

Lincoln yells, his deep voice rumbling through the _entire_ camp ground.

“We just have to change.” Clarke yells back, a little quieter.

Clarke runs out and grabs both of our bags. Handing me mind, while digging around in her own.

She pulls out her two piece bathing suit and an oversized shirt that says “#1 DAD” On it in faded black letters. She wears that shirt as often as she can. It’s supersized on her, and she wears it like a dress around the house.

“Where do we change??” I ask.

“Right here, unless you want to make the trek to the bathroom?” Clarke said like I should’ve known we change in the same exact space.

“But…there’s nothing to hide behind.” I state.

“I’ll turn around then.” Clarke smiles before she zips the tent up all the way. Closing the mesh windows and door and she pins up a shirt to the hole in the top as well.

I take a deep breath and take my bathing suit out of my backpack. It’s a one piece with a swim shirt and shorts to go over top. Clarke’s bathing suit is _barely_ a bathing suit at all. It would be underwear if it was different material.

She turns around and immediately takes off her clothes. Unclasping her bra with one hand, I stare at her wide eyed. Shocked that she is clearly not shy at all. I’m noticing another tattoo on one of her shoulder blades. It’s a redish and white planet. And it has a little cartoon heart in the inside of it with the words “Littlest planet, biggest heart.” It’s so cute. I wonder if she has any tattoo’s that aren’t of outer space at all. If so, I wonder what they are, and where they are. A question from another day.

She unzips her jeans and starts pushing them down, which is when I snap my head in another direction. Trying my hardest not to look up. (This must be what it’s like to be terrified in a school locker room. I’ve heard stories.)

Instead of looking at Clarke more, I hurry up and rid myself of pants and pull my bathing suit on. Then pull it all the way up underneath my shirt. After the one piece is on I put the shorts and shirt on as quick as I can before Clarke turns around.

“Lexi, could you tie this.” Clarke asks, holding up two strings above her shoulders.

I nod even though she can’t see me and grab the strings.

I tie them lightly afraid to choke her.

“Tighter…Tighter…” Clarke continues to tell me to pull the strings tighter but I don’t want to hurt her.

“Lexa. You’re not going to hurt me. These strings are the only things that are going be holding my Boobs so like…tie them tight I’ll have to ask someone else.”

With that, I pull the strings tight and tie them in a bow. She nods her confirmation that I did a good job and then she turns around.

Her tummy is out, half of her boobs are out…everything. Is out.

“God, you’re like every other horny fifteen year old boy Lexa.” Clarke scoffs.

“Huh? Sorry.” I say, deciding it’s best if I just keep eye contact with my feet for a little while.

“It’s okay. I would stare if I were you too. My boobs are great. Besides, it may as well be my girlfriend and not someone I don’t want looking.” She smiles.

We leave the tent and everyone is standing around in their bathing suits and backpacks on. All the boys have absolutely no shirts on and Lincoln and Bellamy’s muscles are crazy. Also, Lincoln has a few tattoos too. I’ve only notices the tops of the one on his back but he has some on his chest and arm too. They’re pretty cool, but they are nothing like Clarke’s. They are tribal, and just plain black where Clarkes are so colorful.

“We all ready now?” Bellamy asks.

“Yes” Everyone says in unison. Clarke grabs my towel from my hand and stuffs it in her backpack too.

“No need to bring your backpack, I have room in mine.” Clarke states.

I nod, and everyone makes conversation as we walk to the amusement park shuttle. It’s a big bus that’ll take us to the park itself.

Clarke and I make a few stops on the way there to say hi to all the dogs we pass in the camp.

//

By now, the group has split off and went in so many different directions. We’ve met up with them for lunch at some hot dog place and then split up again. Clarke dragged me off towards the water rides first. Taking her shirt off and stuffing it in the backpack while we wait in line for our first ride.

The line was about an hour long and once we got up there I saw that our feet would be dangling.

I ask the people who strap us in if I would fall out many times, so many times he was getting frustrated with me. I told him I had never been on a rollercoaster of any kind before, but he still didn’t have many patience for me.

We are all strapped in and ready to go, the people who checks out belts gave someone else a signal so they could turn on the ride. And once they did our thing started moving. (It’s four chairs, two in a row, and two others on the back of our seats. And Clarke and I were strapped to the once that aren’t even facing front, so you can’t see where you’re about to go. I’ve never screamed so loud in my life.)

After that we went on about a thousand more water rides until 4:00p.m. which is when the water portion closes. After that we changed into actual clothes and rode the dry rollercoasters.

Now it’s dark and I have a headache from a rattled brain, and because I screamed really loudly. (Clarke screamed some too.) We definitely bought some pictures that the rides take. (I didn’t even know that they rides could take pictures until Clarke showed me them at the end. We had to get some. Some of them were so funny. Somehow, Clarke still looks flawless even slightly sunburnt and mid scream…

“Lexa. Wanna go on the kissing tower, you can see the whole park from up there. Then we can go on more roller coasters. Pleaseee can we go??”

“I guess so.” I sigh, completely pooped from all of the water rides and other rides we’ve been on. There is no trace of the sunset now, and the park will be closing soon. I’m so tired and we haven’t even had dinner yet. I am so glad I already made the food.

“Yay!” Clarke squeals. Pulling—more like dragging—me along to the line for the kissing tower.

“Why is it even called the kissing tower??” I question.

“Well, cause it’s shaped like a Hershey kiss and because people kiss once you reach the top.”

“Ohhh. But kissing isn’t like…required, though right?”

“Right. It’s not required silly. But it’s just fun.” She shrugs.

“Did you kiss Finn on this ride?” I ask.

“Nah, I always asked but he said it was boring and took me on other rides.”

“Did you want to kiss me on this ride??”

“I wouldn’t be opposed to it but it’s up to you. I don’t care.”

“I don’t want to. It makes me cringe…kissing in public like that. I can barely do it when we aren’t in public. I don’t want to be watched.”

“Alright. That’s fine.  Bring your camera. The view will be amazing.” Clarke smiles, handing me my camera.

/

Once on the ride we sit in a chair, in a completely enclosed area. With kiss shaped windows, and it slowly turns while it rises up, and up. Clarke leans forward in her chair and looks over at the park below us. She was right, you can see the entire park from here.

She looks so happy, and calm, I decide to take a picture of her first.

Once the flash goes off she smiles, and hides her face in her hand.

“You’re supposed to be taking a picture of the view Lexa!” Clarke scolds, pointing to the window.

“I just did, clarke.” I smile.

“Of the park dumbass.” She pushes my shoulder over and I fake fall out of my chair as we laugh together.

I snap a few pictures before it turns again, and I take a few more. All of the lit up rides and the tiny little people having so much fun below us. This ride is truly an experience. In a way, I’m sad that Finn didn’t take Clarke on this ride because he would’ve seen how happy it makes her. But I’m also glad that he didn’t because that means, I get to see it and he didn’t. That this is just for me, and that makes me so happy.

Once the ride ends Bellamy calls Clarke’s phone and tells us to meet him at the kettle corn place that they go to. (Which is bad directions because there are about a _million_ kettle corn places.) But Clarke seems to know which one out of the million that he is talking about.

Clarke laces out hands together as we drag our feet towards the exit of the park. Right before the exit there is the last Kettle corn place, and Bellamy hands us a couple bags of the stuff. (I guess they really like it because they bought so many bags of it! I swear these bags are almost as tall as me!)

With that we head to the shuttle and the whole way back to the tents is completely silent… _except_ for Raven. She’s never quiet. She rambles on about how much fun she had today while everyone nods, and ‘mhmm’s’ her.

Once we get to the camp ground everyone heads straight to their respective tents. Including Clarke and I. Forget dinner…

I stop in front of our tent and smile at the glow in the dark paints on our tent. I smile, looking at the words above the door. “Dropship”

“What’s dropship?” I ask.

“Dad and I used to pretend we dropped from outer space in this tent. So we named the tent drop ship” Clarke mumbles. Taking over her bathing suit and just pulling on underwear and a long shirt.

I take off my pants and just sleep in a shirt and underwear as well. We cover up in blankets and Clarke stares up at the sky through the hole in the tent. We can hear the crickets buzzing and fire crackling. Happy families around us eating dinner. I can smell toasted marshmallows and freshly cooked burgers.

These sounds and smells make me feel so content. And my surroundings, Clarke on my shoulder, the night sky above our heads. It makes me feel so happy, just pure joy. It makes me realize how much I miss home. I love being out of the city for a while. I feel the most at home now, then I have ever felt in my entire life.

I wonder what kinds of camping adventures tomorrow holds.

 

 

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> feedback is always welcome. Keep the negativity to yourself please. 
> 
> !!Stay safe my little starships!!


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!! I'm back! This is a very very short chapter, but I am back from a very long and boring case of writers block as well as being busy with life. Thank you for reading, and Thank you for sticking around even though I haven't been very active on here. I don't know exactly when my next update of this will be but expect something on this one towards the end of July.   
> Also, I had a little bit of trouble with the format in which I wrote this chapter. I'm not sure what I did but I messed something up. Not sure if you can tell, but if it's super bad, and super bothersome, let me know and I will do my best to fix it.

The next few days are spent going to the amusement park, eating kettle corn and hotdogs while getting extremely sunburnt under the early summer sun. Our hair is stiff from the chlorine and our bathing suits dripping to our feet as we walk slowly towards the exit of the water park. Clarke walks up to another ride with a wide grin and a question in her eyes as she points up to the rides sign. Everyone else behind us dragging their feet, their cheeks red and hot, Raven getting a piggy back ride from Lincoln everyone shakes their head and Bellamy tells her they’re heading back to camp.  
“I’ll ride more with you Clarke.” I tell her, putting my shirt on over my bathing suit because there’s a sign that says, ‘bathing suits not permitted in this area’  
“At least someone loves me.” Clarke smiles walking into the line for the ride, waving goodbye to the rest of the guys.  
I follow Clarke in the line and we wait the hour or so until it’s our turn.  
Next in line I get butterflies seeing the red rollercoaster start off so fast. Each piercing scream makes my heart sink.  
“You nervous??” Clarke asks in a teasing manner.  
“Only a little. It looks intense.”  
“You’ll be okay. I’ll let you hold my hand.” She smiles.  
Our turn comes, and we load ourselves into our seats.  
It takes off at seventy miles per hour and a flash of light makes you squeeze your eyes shut real tight, I immediately regret that when I realize that, that was the camera flash.  
It goes up hills and through upside down loops. I can feel my hair defy gravity that’s how I knew I was upside down.  
“Your promised it didn’t go upside down!” I yelled at Clarke. Noticing how dry my mouth got from just opening it for one second.  
“I forgot!” She yelled back with a smile. Giggling as she tells me her lips are sticking to her teeth.  
Clarke grabs my hand and squeezes it lightly as the ride starts to slow down enough to come to a stop.  
“Woah,” I sighed, trying to catch my breath. Licking my lips and teeth too because opening you mouth on a rollercoaster really isn’t the best idea. I shudder thinking to myself about the bugs that could have gotten into my mouth.  
When we get off the ride Clarke runs to another and then another until the park announces they’re closing in ten minutes. Once the closing announcement is made we head for the door, buying a bag of kettle corn for tomorrow with breakfast on the way out.  
We walk to the shuttle stop and wait in the line assigned to our camp ground.  
Clarke sits on the concrete, her face resting in her hands. I pull my camera out of my backpack and take a picture of her unsuspecting self, the flash giving me away. She rolls her eyes as I smile down at her. “You’re just as annoying as Lincoln about these photos.”  
“You look so cute. All tired and sunburnt. Like a little lobster,” I laugh.  
“That’s not a good compliment Lexa.”  
“Why not? I said you look cute?”  
“Yeah but countering it with ‘you look like a lobster’ completely erases the effectiveness of the original compliment.”  
“Oh. I wasn’t aware that was how it worked. So, I’ll fix that. You look like a lobster, you’re so cute Clarke.”  
“It doesn’t work like that either.” Clarke giggles.  
Once we get back to the camp, everyone is cooking their food around the fire and Raven is stuffing her face with marshmallows. I can tell she didn’t want to wait for the food to cook. (It didn’t even have to thaw out this time so it wouldn’t have taken long, Raven is just impatient.)  
Once dinner is over, Clarke and I decide to hit the bed because we are beat from today. Getting sunburnt, swimming, running around a park all day from opening to closes gets tiring. So, we go to bed, and look up at the sky through the hole in the tent until we fall asleep.  
\-----  
Waking up to the sounds children isn’t unheard of for me. I actually quite like the sound of happy kids running around the camp ground, and the smell of everyone’s breakfast. I turn on my side and see Clarke is huddled up in the blanket. (The entire blanket mind you. She bunches it up around her waist taking the whole thing from me, but not using most of it. She’s lucking she’s cute.) Her face buried in her pillow-I don’t know how she can breathe like that- one leg hanging off the mattress and laying on the tent floor. Clarke is definitely the definition of a wild sleeper. Sometimes I feel like she’s trying to play soccer in her sleep from the amount of times she kicks my shins.  
“I can feel you staring” She grumbles, her voice muffled by the pillow.  
“I have to pee, will you walk to the bathrooms with me?” I question.  
“Do I have to put pants on?” Clarke asks.  
“There are children awake out there, so yes Clarke, you do have to put pants on.”  
We mosey along the dirt path to the bathroom. Waving and saying good morning to our tent neighbors and stopping to pet dogs along the way. Once we actually get to the bathroom I’m dancing in my pants and Clarke is laughing because there are gaggles of girls stuffed in the showers and in stalls taking up the entire bathroom. There’s a line of little kids and moms but these girls are taking their sweet time.  
“How much do you wanna bet that half of the girls in there are realizing how gay they are right now?” Clarke smiles as we walk to the back of the line.  
“I don’t want to bet against you though so nothing. I’m sure you are right Clarke.”  
“You’re no fun Lexa. Raven always takes my bets.”  
“I’m not raven, and I’m not competitive like raven, but also, how would you win the bet. You’ll never actually find out if you’re right.” I shrug.  
On our way back the camp it’s much quieter as most of the kids have gone off to the park already. When we get back to the camp Lincoln is awake and heating up breakfast for everyone. He’s even made coffee.  
Only seconds later Raven sticks her head out. Her eyelids heavy with sleep and her hair frizzy and wild.  
“I need help.” She whispers, trying not to wake up Octavia. Her voice is deep and gravelly from not using it today.  
Clarke and Lincoln are sitting, drinking their coffee with their eyes half closed. Not even looking towards raven.  
“I got you.” Say getting up and climbing into Ravens tent. Octavia is sprawled out half naked on the Cot and raven hurries to cover her with a sheet.  
I grab raven’s brace, and open all the buckles to help her into it quietly. Once her leg is in she adjusts the straps until its tight enough to provide support but not too tight. The way she checks is if she can fit two fingers in between her leg and the brace it’s perfect. Just like the way you check if a dogs collar is too tight. 

Since today is the last day of the trip, we pack up our tents and throw out the food scraps and drain the cooler water. We pack both cars up again and make our way out of the camp ground. Bell, and Lincoln drive the cars to the park-parking lot while the rest of us take the shuttle to the park. We have one last day here to spend at the park so we get on as many rides as we possibly can before we start our journey back home, I have almost a full memory card of pictures that I can’t wait to look through and weed out the ones I don’t want, and gander at the ones I want to print. How cool is it that you can fit hundreds, if not thousands of photos on a little card that’s not much bigger than my big toe!  
I take more pictures today of the park, of my friends, Lincoln takes pictures too and he tells me how happy he is to have another photographer here because now he has more pictures with him in it, as well as pictures of everyone else. No one is left out from a picture. Which is great.  
On this last day we eat dinner together at the park, and gush about how much fun we’ve had and how everyone is so happy to have one another in our lives. The impact each person has made and how sad we’d be without each other.  
This last day here has made up my mind… when I get home, I am going to pack up my dresses, caps, and shoes. I’m going to put my dress and caps on, gather Clarke, and ask Murphy if he could drive me home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I welcome feedback and constructive criticism. But if you have nothing nice to say, or cant give criticism in a respectful way, just don't say anything at all. 
> 
> !!Stay safe little space beans!!


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, here I am. Missing Clexa with every bone in my body.

When morning comes, I wake up with a headache and puffy eyes to show the world how much sleep I didn't get.

After my shower, I put on underwear, and go to the closet where I stashed away all of my old clothes and dig them out.

Plopping my tiny suitcase on my bed I open it and am hit with the faint remnants of the way my home smelled the day I left for Rumspringa. I remember It so vividly, I wish I was just leaving home again so I can redo the two years.

I pull out a dress, socks, and my brothers old farm boots. I put them on first, then I go to the bathroom to look into the mirror.  What I see in return though it's not me. Not anymore.

Grabbing my hair brush, I brush my newly washed hair back and up, pulling it into a tight bun, and putting my cap over it. Letting the strings drape over my shoulders, and I pull out pieces of my hair by my ears.

Once I'm dressed, I call Clarke to ask if she is coming with me. Crossing my fingers and hoping with all my might that she does.

"Good morning Lexa." Clarke croaks. Her deep tired voice crackled through the phone.

"Morning Clarke. I smile. I love her sleepy voice. It's one of the best sounds a person could hear.

"Are you coming with me today?" I ask. I close my eyes tight and pray that I hear a yes come through the phone.

"Yes, pf course." I can hear her smile through the phone. "I would hate myself if I didn't go, and you didn't come back." She says sadly.

"Good. I'll see you soon then."

"You will" She says and then, I hear a knock on the door.

Running to go get it with my phone still pressed to my face. Opening the door and seeing a tired Clarke behind it could brighten anyone's day in a second.

"You really did get here fast!!" I exclaim, swinging the door open.

"You, wow. You"re cute."

"Me?" I ask.

"No, the naked ghost in your apartment, yes you, goofball." Clarke laughs at her joke.

I let her in and close the door behind her.

"So, are you going to tell me why I needed to come with you?" She asks.

"Because I want my family to meet you. I want you to meet the rest of my family. I want them to know who their kid has been spending the last two years with."

"Okay. Well, I'd love to meet them as well."

"Mmm, save that for _After_ you meet them. That might change."

Clarke just laughs and sips at her coffee. I wait for her to burn her tongue like always but it doesn't happen. She must have gotten the coffee at a shop closer to her house than the coffee shop near mine.

Murphy honks his car horn at the pickup loop right under my window. I look out and he waves us down, so I grab my suitcase and wave Clarke to come along.

Locking my apartment door, I take a deep breath to settle my heart before continuing on.

Clarke and I walk shoulder to shoulder down the hallway and into the elevator. Not saying a word to each other but it's not an awkward or unusual silence. I take in the musty smell of the apartment building as I remember myself from two years ago, in full dress and cap, running up the stairs pulling my suitcase along. Knocking on the neighbors door, and asking for directions to the nearest mall. I remember my first night here, how I was tuned in to every little city noise below my window. I remember watching nickelodeon and loving every minute of it.

"Morning Murphy." Clarke and I say in unison as we hop into the back of his car.

"Good morning girls. When we get there, am I coming back or??"

"You can stay for dinner just know, it might get a little tense."

Ahh sure, it wouldn't be a family dinner if it didn't get tense."

"Alright. And thanks again for driving us."

"no problem. I was just going to sleep till noon today anyways." he smiles back at us.

"You remember the way?"

"Yup, I still have the route from work."

And so it goes. Murphy drives off and I sit uncomfortably in the backseat, nervous out of my mind.  Still unsure of what I want. I love my family, but I think I love Clarke more. i miss my family but I'd miss Clarke more. The one thing I have to think about is me though. how will me being gay affect my life if I stay?? I'll be miserable. Depressed and likely unsafe. I guess I just gave myself the answer.

After about twenty minutes Clarke relaxes herself, and her leg touches mine. "Lexa, did you sleep well last night?" Clarke questions quietly.

I think to myself, about telling her I slept fine. Because if I didn't sleep that meant I was nervous and she knows that. But I end up telling her: "No, Clarke. I didn't sleep well at all." I hum, my eyes still closed and my head lolled back against the headrest. "Did you?" I ask her.

 

"Not really. I was nervous about today. I'm afraid I will have to ride back home alone."

"I don't want to talk about this right now." I sigh.

"fine." Clarke breathes. "fine"

She falls asleep after looking out the window for another Fourty minutes. Once she is asleep I start to relax more and I look out the window at all the trees on the way there. There are more trees out here than I've seen in a long time.

Murphy makes a sharp turn onto a dirt road and I know it's driveway to my house. The turn makes Clarke wake up again and she looks around her, at the farms, the tiny houses in the middle of the farms and all the animals some people have.  And at the end of the dirt road is my house, and on the porch of the little white house is my entire family. Mom, dad, brothers, and Anya. I smile at seeing them all together. The boys got so big, Mom is pregnant again, and Anya is too. Which is...unusual.

Murphy parks the car, and I hop out, opening the door for Clarke.

"Good morning, Snacha it's been a long time." My mother smiles holding her arms out for a hug, but not descending down the stairs. So, I run to the steps, and I skip two at a time to get to her quicker.

The mom kind of hugs are a special. Every Amish Mother smells the same. Like fresh baked bread and honey. They give the same gentle hugs. Â Hugs that feel like your favorite sweater that just came out of the dryer. Hugs that are so gentle but at the same time, so tight. Mom hugs are

"Hi mom." I smile into her shoulder.

"Oh we missed you so much." Mom smiles, before kissing my cheek.

"I missed you guys too."

"I brought a friend."  I announce. Internally cringing just calling her a friend, but friend will have to do for now. Her name is Clarke. She was the person I met the first day in Ton Dc. And the person that drove us, Also a friend; that's Murphy. His real name is John but everyone just calls him Murphy." I ramble on. "I hope you don't mind if they stay for dinner?"

"Of course not, the more the merrier. Hi kids. I'm Leksa's mom. These are her brothers, sister, father there on the end. How did you meet Leksa's Mom asks them, and I wait for them to not say a party. I pray they don't say a party.

"It was a get together with a bunch of my friends around the neighborhood, Murphy here told Leksa about it. We met there." Clarke smiled. Stuffing her hands in her pockets, clearly becoming uncomfortable. I mean, it wasn't a lie. Another name for a party could be a get together. A party just suggests alcohol and my parents don't need to know that.

"Oh that's great. And you've been friends ever since then huh?" Nomon questions.

"Yes, indeed. Friends." I sigh. Clenching my jaw. Looking towards Clarke as she looks down at the ground. 

"well, that's great! Glad to see you've made some friends."

"Well welcome, everyone can come on in. I'm going to get dinner started Clarke and Lexa you can help me. And Murphy you can go wherever with the boys."

"Oooo. Mom, you don't want Clarke to help cook Since, you know, she can't." I laugh.

"You can't cook?" Nomon questions, looking completely shocked that a girl doesn't or couldn't cook. And believe you, me. Clarke couldn't cook to save her life.

"Nope, can't cook. I can order out but I assume that isn't an option."

"No, that sure isn't an option here, but since you are here I want you to at least know how to bake a fresh loaf of bread. There is something special about homemade bread. So, come, take an apron, and let us make bread." Nomon smiles, handing Clarke an apron.

I can only happily watch for a second, Nomon never takes to any English person so easily. She usually wants nothing to do with them, she says their ignorant, and boring. Yes, boring.

But I guess it means something different if it's an English person that made sure her kid was safe. It won't be long, until she despises Clarke, so I soak it up as much as I can now.

"Leksa come on, the dough won't make itself. Teach Clarke, I'm going to go wash the dishes." Nomon hummed.

With that I get on to making dough, taking out measuring cups, flour, yeast, butter, all of the essentials to making bread. Clarke watches me in silence as I make my way through my kitchen. opening cabinets and drawers finding exactly what I need in their respective places.

"It's amazing how you just jump right back into routine. Your mom is nice." Clarke says.

"Yeah, she's nice. For now anyways," I grumble.

"Okay, so to make the dough, Clarke, you put water to this line in the cup" I say pointing to exactly the half a cup line. Clarke acknowledges it by nodding her head, and she does so with all of the measurements.

"Once you have all of your ingredients in the bowl, you whisk it until there are no more lumps."

"Right, no more lumps. Like cake batter." Clarke smiles.

"Kind of, except you're making dough, not batter."

"Same difference" she scoffs. Rolling her eyes as she whisks away at the dough mixture.

A few minutes later, she starts slowing down because it's getting harder to whisk as its becoming dough.

"Want me to take it from here?" I question.

"Yes please." Clarke says, handing me the bowl, and the whisk.

I start beating it until the lumps leave, and the dough is nice and firm. Once I put it in a pan cover it in wrap and push it to the side to let it rise.

"So, can we talk about your forearms now??" Clarke whispers with a giddy smile on her face.

"Are you going to make a dirty joke? If so, then no. later sure." I smile in return.

"Awh, you're no fun."

"Hey girls, how's your dough?" Nomon asked

"It's rising." I smiled.

"Are you okay Snacha?"

"Yes. Just thinking."

"Your sure?" she questions.

"Yes mom." I nod. Careful not to catch an attitude.

"Well why don't you guys come to the dinner table, I just took dinner off of the cooker."

"Okay." I smile, and wave Clarke to follow me.

At the dinner table, I find, Murphy speaking with Nontu and my brothers. They all look like they're having a nice time.

"No, no, we aren't dating." I hear Murphy assure Nontu.

"Hi, dad. Who is Murphy not dating?"

"You dear." Nontu says.

"Oh right. Right. No we aren't dating." I chuckle nervously.

The whole table gets quiet in response to my nervousness.

Well, I guess here is where I either start my life, or end it. Either way, Its been fun up until now.

I draw in a deep breath before speaking, "I've got something I need to tell you guys".

All eyes turn towards me and everyone sits on the edge of their seats. Even Clarke and Murphy.

"I'm I-I-I'm not coming back to the church." I tell them shakily. I can hear Clarke's sigh of relief and it makes me happy to hear she's happy but, I can see the pure rage and fear in my mothers eyes.

"What!?" Mom yells. "Leksa! You know what that means don't you?'

"Yes Ma'am. I do."

"Then why are you doing this??? You can't"

"I can, I am. I'm doing it because I was happier in TonDc. I love you, I love all of you. But I can't live in a world where I am unhappy, where I hate everything about my life. I got to taste a sense of who I actually am and not who you want me to be, and I don't want to give it up. And... I fell in love. With this stunning human. One who loves me, and respects me and our culture. They are my main reason for not coming back to the church. I love them. I can't leave them."

"Them? Whose them? There are plenty of nice boys here. Better boys. How much can one English boy mean to you?!?! WE. ARE. A FAMILY SNacha!!"

"Them, They're actually one person. And I know there are nice boys here, I know, they're cute and sweet, sometimes."

"Who Could be more important to you than family!?"

"Well.. Um, Clarke is. Clarke is more important to me than you are." I know saying that was probably the slow begging to my death. But, Clarke is worth it. Lincoln is worth it. My friends are worth it. They're my family. They support me, they love me even though I'm gay, because gay isn't even an "even though" for them. It's just me, it's an okay Lexa likes photography, hiking, camping with her friends, slumber parties; and oh Kissing Clarke. That's a thing Lexa loves to do.

"What??" my mom and dad say in unison.

"I am in love with Clarke. And I am sure I want to spend the rest of my life with her. I love her, mom. I love her, unlike any other. Oh, and you remember Lincoln. If not, he's your eldest. He is in college for photography, and he's got a job at a studio and plans to build his own studio one day. He's great, and I want to be with him too. Iâ€™m in love with Clarke, I love Lincoln, Murphy, I love all of my friends and I can't leave them."

"In love? With who?? Clarke, which Clarke?"

"There is only one Clarke mom. She's sitting right next to me. I'm in love with Clarke, A girl. to the point where if..if sometime in the future she wants to get married. I'd marry her mom."

"Well, I guess it's a good thing you don't want to come back to the church because I will not have a... I will not have you in my house."

"Okay" Well guys I think it's time to go." It's impossible to stop myself from crying. There is no yelling, no crying, just a calm quiet rejection. With my whole family and two of my friends watching me. How lovely.

Clarke and Murphy both stand up from the table at the same time.

I run to my backpack and take out a folder of developed photos. And take out just one photo. One of all of us. The one we had to take a few times because the timer kept going off before Lincoln could get back so he was all blurry and everyone was busy looking, and/or laughing at him.

I hand the photo to my mother. "I love you mom. I love all of you. But I better get going. Any of you can visit me whenever you want to. I'll even provide transportation. You can't keep them from me mom. Not like you kept Lincoln from me. Goodbye." I hold my hand out for Clarke and the same for murphy and we walk out of there together.

"I love you guys so much." I say, pulling them closer to me.

"I hate to say this" Clarke says through tears. "But I am so damn glad you're coming back with me."

"I know, it's okay. This was the life I was meant to have Clarke. I was meant to be with you. I love you."

"I love you too. Lets go home. I'm going to sleep over if that's okay?" Clarke only half asks

"Of course that's okay. Lets invite everyone over. See who shows. I'll make a big dinner, and we can watch movies.  I say, beaming from ear to ear, excited to see how life will be from now on.

\-----

It's been a year since Lexa told her parents that she wasn't coming back to the church. A year since Lexa's mother told her she didn't want her in her house anyways because she's gay. It's been a year since she had to say goodbye to her brothers, and probably some of them for good as they were really mad at her. Anya takes the littlest one, once a month to come visit her, they were the ones three with the best relationship

It also marks another year that her and Clarke have been together. They're still together and better than ever. They go to college together, they room together (they pushed so hard to get a dorm room together) and they make sure that they can eat dinner together no matter what. Even if it is in the school library while writing papers and scarfing their food down so they don't waste any time.

 

Clarke is Majoring Visual arts and minoring in creative writing. She says if she's going to be paying all of this money then she better make use of all of the resources she can while she's there, and she wants to better her poetry skills in order to get better at song writing.

Lexa, is majoring in Photography, and minoring is pretty much everything else. She's taking, maths, science, American history, English, German, American sign language. Sociology, and she didn't even know what that meant when she signed up for it, but she loves it. That's all that matters to her. She says she wants to stay in college forever and learn everything she possibly can.

The rest of the gang are all still around, Lincoln did start his own business. Octavia teaches a self defense class at the gym she goes to, and her and raven are still together too. 

Raven is starting an internship at Nasa and is studying Aerospace, and Mechanics at the local community college and is quite popular with her teachers in her classes. Some may call her a teachers Pet.

They all are planning to pool their money together and buy a great big house, and live there together until their lives pull them to separate places.  But until then, no one is going anywhere.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I might do a sequel depending on what you guys want. I was thinking something like when they're I college and how that is, and how Lexa fares with not being able to see her family again and stuff. I will try to not have a year between each chapter this time. So let me know how you feel.


End file.
